Running on Fumes

[Portia]

Your description of work counselling made me laugh, Snodderly, thank you!

Does anyone else ever wonder if the MLCer/WAS sense when the LBS is feeling that they just need to walk away themselves? In the last week, I have increasingly felt that it may be time to calmly and without anger, say goodbye to xSO. In truth, it is the presence of the GF that bothers me most of all, rightly or wrongly. I feel as saying that goodbye may kill any possibility of us reconciling but cutting that tie would also give me some peace.

I know that I have read that GF is just a bandaid but I feel like the longer she is in place, the harder it will be to rip her off. But even then, I do not really want to be Plan B or some sort of wierd consolation prize and I am afraid that I may always feel that way.

On the flip side of things, I wonder if xSO is being to feel me pull away even more. He initiated a text on Saturday - just a what's up. I gave a short jokey reply which said nothing about what I was doing. The next day I got an even longer text specifically asking what I was up to that day. He also told me he was on holidays for the week and then told me all his plans and said it was going to be a slow week. No mention of GF in that list. I know she has to be there somewhere even if he is implying that she is not. Do they think we are stupid? Lies of ommission are still lies!

xSO once described GF as the "elephant in the room" and I could not agree more. It kills me to make no reference to her but I am wondering if it is because I should not ask about her that she takes up more headspace than she should.

The other mystery here is why he has a week's holiday at the end of January when his holidays always fall in the summer. I cannot help but wonder if he was supposed to go away with GF but in the end could not afford it. I know that speculation is borrowing trouble there.

My parent is doing well considering; no pain and in good spirits. I am a little tired, lots of people leaning on me. I think that is why xSO is in my head now. He was always my support. We were that for each other. And now that I could really use that support, it is so noticeably absent. Maybe I am projecting all too well that I do not need him.

My plan right now is to keep going as we are and then on February 14, I will re-evaluate. I know that seems like a strange date but it has nothing to do with Valentine's day and everything to do with the fact I have an afternoon off work.

There are some positives lately, I can see that. Contact is frequent, he is opening up a little and that is the very first time in a long time he has specifically asked about my plans. And I DO love him.

So, no decisions until Feb 14. Please hold me to that!

[job]

Portia,
The mlcer does sense when we are withdrawing from their drama and that's why they begin contacting us again and acting out because they want our attention and yes, to suck us back in. The less we react, the better and it makes them work that much harder in trying to get our attention and then one day, they realize that they have to try something different. Sometimes, they use the nice person once and then the nasty person the next time around.

I don't think that by cutting contact for a while will kill any possibility of him leaving you alone totally. They can't seem to let us go because we are the apron string to their past and they need us to be right where they left us. We are the stable force in their lives and yet, they, like toddlers, can't seem to let us go once they begin exploring the world in toddler steps. So, if it will give you a bit of peace for a while, consider going dimmer.

As for him taking a holiday at the end of January, that could be anyone's guess. Maybe it's the time when work is slow or he may have had a ski trip planned he just wanted to spend some time at home for a change...I wouldn't dwell on this very long because nothing they do makes sense to us.

I'm glad your parent is doing as well as can be expected. Every minute you spend w/your parent is precious and those memories will be w/you for the rest of your life. That's why it is so important not to be focusing in during this time. I know I continue to tell you this, but it's very, very important that you keep the focus on what is important right now...your parent and yes, yourself.

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[Portia]

Portia,
The mlcer does sense when we are withdrawing from their drama and that's why they begin contacting us again and acting out because they want our attention and yes, to suck us back in. The less we react, the better and it makes them work that much harder in trying to get our attention and then one day, they realize that they have to try something different. Sometimes, they use the nice person once and then the nasty person the next time around.

I think I am lucky here. I have not seen the nasty in a few months, ever since I began to draw back. In fact, it is me who WANTS to be nasty sometimes. Even if it is just a childish urge to say Liar, Liar, pants on fire!

The truth is, I do not know for sure that he is lying or leaving things out. I have no proof. I simply feel it.

I am trying to remind myself of the positive signs. Are they even positive signs? I want to believe they are, but I cannot BE inside his head. What I would really like to do is slap him upside of the head and say what exactly do you want from me? I constantly feel as if I do not have enough information to make a decision that is right for me.

I'm glad your parent is doing as well as can be expected. Every minute you spend w/your parent is precious and those memories will be w/you for the rest of your life. That's why it is so important not to be focusing in during this time. I know I continue to tell you this, but it's very, very important that you keep the focus on what is important right now...your parent and yes, yourself.

Thank you. And I am. One of the ways that I have come up with to cope with all of this is to "compartmentalize" my day. Just as I can neither think about this situation all the time, I cannot always be thinking of my parent. So, when I am with my parent, I am fully present. And when I am posting or reading here, I give myself permission to think about what is happening or not happening. Then I turn the Board off and concentrate on work.

I am fully capable of living my life without him and have been doing so for the last few years that we have lived in separate cities. I guess I was hoping for some reassurance that this situation is not totally hopeless and that I am not just kidding myself or deluding myself because I feel as if I am. That I want to see positives but the reality is that he has not chosen to be with me - he is with someone else.

Sigh. Back to work.

[kml]

Haha - is it bad of me, that my first thought, when you said he asked what your plans for the day were, was to think you should say something like this?

"Oh, my plan for the day includes a hot date with a rich man who is taking me on his private jet for dinner in San Francisco. Gotta go get ready, ta ta!"

lol

[AJM]

I know that I have read that GF is just a bandaid but I feel like the longer she is in place, the harder it will be to rip her off. But even then, I do not really want to be Plan B or some sort of wierd consolation prize and I am afraid that I may always feel that way.

I'm sure that was the feeling prior to BD - it would take a lot to pull you two apart. But I know how you feel. Who want's to be plan B. From what I've seen on the boards, it's not a "plan B" situation per se. They don't plan like rational people. It's not that methodical nor rational. But I totally get it. Only you can decide when you've had enough and there is no more. He won't be doing that any time soon. Silly as that sounds.

I constantly feel as if I do not have enough information to make a decision that is right for me.

Well, yeah. If it was easy, wouldn't everyone do it? I feel ya here too. Everything is clear as mud. At the end of it though, you have to do what is right for you and let him figure himself out. To do otherwise would be artificial and you would regret it later no matter how that turns out. It's part of the crazy right? They leave, but won't stop contacting you in familiar ways? Heck, my ex still does that, and she's remarried to OM. It's not fair if there is such a thing, but as it turns out we open the jail door when we decide what we're going to do. When we've had enough and won't go another step with them. All along we had the key, and know it, but didn't want to use it. Something like that.

You'll know when you can't do it anymore. When you won't.

Until then, keep on keeping on. Keep quiet and let things play out. If he wants back, you'll know that too. It won't be an unobvious thing, so you don't have to worry about missing anything.

Just a quick note on compatmentalizing. It's a great way to "get through" but you will need to find a way to reconcile those feelings and actions. It's a war time posture, and has stress consequences. At some point, take out the small parts and deal with them head on if you can. It'll suck at first, but it'll balance out.

I think I am lucky here. I have not seen the nasty in a few months, ever since I began to draw back. In fact, it is me who WANTS to be nasty sometimes. Even if it is just a childish urge to say Liar, Liar, pants on fire!

Oh and in case you're wondering. This is a classic example of the "dance" that we do with partners. As they move away, we move to keep the balance. In the case of an mlc'r we refer to it as a roller coaster. In the case of "normal" relationships, it's more like a teeter-totter where we maintain balance with one another. You may not notice it, but you do the same with co-workers in some form. Part of being a team.

Peace,
AJ

[Portia]

KML - I wish I would have thought of it....better, I wish it were TRUE!

AJ - Thank you so much for your post. It is nice to know that even when I feel insane, I am not insane alone.

Compartmentalizing is the only way I am making it through the day right now - time for work, time for DB Board (set amount of indulgence time) and mostly, time for my terminally ill parent. I cannot recall ever being this tired.

Sometimes I think I am as bad as the MLCer. He did not contact me at all yesterday, and I perversely am slightly angry even after saying to myself I want him to leave me alone. He's on holidays so I wonder what the excuse is? I am trying to detach but I am obviously not and my expectations while low are not at the zero they should be. Which means I am still on the stupid rollercoaster.

Worse, it just occurred to me that I am trying to control something that I cannot control. Wasting energy.

I am probing my feelings about being "done". I want to be done with the roller coaster and the only sure fire way to do that is to be done with him.

I have read quite a lot of posts which say that you will know when you are done and if you have to ask, you aren't done.

Before burning any bridges, I will think about this some more. I know there have been positive steps but I just do not see that he wants me for anything else but a "friend". I am sure he expects me to be "best man" at his wedding. Nope.

I never expected to still be hurting six months later.

[AJM]

I don't suggest burning bridges. Being done and burning bridges are very different things. Very.

Also, I assure you that being done and being off the roller coaster are not the same thing as you have stated it

That's why I'm suggesting that you deal with things in bite-size chunks. You'll need to deal with them at some point, so I'm suggesting spending a few seconds/minutes/hours a day and work on some of it until resolved for YOU.

If you want to stop hurting 6 months/days/years from now, you'll need to start working on it, vs "compartmentalizing" it and NOT getting back to dealing with it. You have the recipe for insanity and depression in my opinion.


The elephant in the room is that you're not done. As the old saying goes, elephants are best eaten in small pieces

AJ
P.S. You're not insane yet. But you are hurting and coping as best you can with the tools you have available to you. I'm suggesting you create new tools to cope. And you are certainly not alone. We're right here with you.

[Portia]

Thank you for your post AJ! IDK How insane would one have to be to try to eat an elephant?

And no, I am not done. I want to be done and that is different than actually being done. I still love him and do want us to move forward with each other, as delusional as that sounds even to me.

xSO called last night. I realized that when he called that it has been about two months, maybe more, in which I have allowed him to initiate all contact with only one exception.

He told me that he had his first counselling session yesterday and has another scheduled for next week. I think he really wanted to talk about it so I jsut listened for the most part. He said that most of the session was a getting to know his history session.

One of the first things that the counsellor picked up on was the fact that he came (as I did) from a family dealling with an alcoholic in it from a long line of alcoholics. The consellor gave him the book Co-Dependent No More. He said he started reading it and could see us both in there. (BTW I have also read the book and while I believe I exhibit codependent traits, I do not know that I would fit the description of codependent).

He acknowledged being in a "really bad place" in the fall and that "what happened with us was sh!tty". He went on before I could ask any more questions about that last bit.

We talked for a little over an hour, mostly about him but that was fine with me. Not once during the conversation was the GF mentioned nor did he even imply she was around. But then he hid her from me for a long time, so I am guessing she must be around somewhere. I confess I would just love to ask about her - but I bite my tongue.

Otherwise, we talked about a few other things, mostly every day stuff - my family, his family.

He said he has been having trouble sleeping and that he could now empathize with me when I said the same because the hampster would be on its wheel. He admitted to still being a bit depressed. I tried hard to simply listen and not to offer any advice at all.

The truth is, other than what happened/is happening between us, his MLC has so far wrought positive changes - finances are improving, responsibility is improving and some health issues are being taken care of including more exercise and weight loss. In light of all that, maybe I was something negative in his life that he had to change as well. I am happy for him and wish him well in his journey and hope the positives stick for him. Nevertheless, I am (or our relationship was) the collateral damage here, so I can not feel totally happy about what occurred between us especially if the relationship remains on the chopping block. I will not be in a three-way relationship forever.

In many ways, I have some of my own demons to work on and even now, still feeling battered and bruised, I realize this experience will make me stronger and maybe a little less passive in my own life.

This process is also teaching me patience and how to bite my tongue. No OR talks, no asking about GF. SOOOO hard!

At the end of the conversation, he threw many compliments my way, excellent handling of the parent situation and was very complimentary regarding the fact that I have also kept up my social life. It got to a point that I asked if the counsellor put him on some sort of 12 step process. He laughed.

In closing, I said it was nice to talk to him and he said the same and said for me to call anytime I wanted. so, our interactions remain good but whether or not that translates into progress towards me, I really don't know.

Until then, keep on keeping on. Keep quiet and let things play out. If he wants back, you'll know that too. It won't be an unobvious thing, so you don't have to worry about missing anything.

Thanks for that AJ, that is very reassuring! I have never been good at the whole "subtle sign, etc game. It was often a running joke between my friends and I and between he and I as well.

[Portia]

All that rambling and I forgot to ask my question: Should any of his actions or words change my strategy at all? Originally my goal was to keep on going as is (no contact unless he initiates it) and re-evaluate on Feb 14 but maybe I should change things up now?

Thanks!

(I know that I do not post much about my GAL activities, but in case any newer-than-me-newbies are reading this, those things do help and the MLCer does notice.)

[Portia]

Anyone?