I reread Divorce Remedy over the holidays, and one passage resonated with me: “You’ve stopped doing things that give you pleasure. Chances are, you even think you’ve forgotten how to have pleasure. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself for a while.”
Christmas was hard, and so was New Year’s Eve. but after the holidays, I was really determined to enjoy the things I like doing. So that is what I’ve been doing for the last month.
I’ve read. And read some more. I’ve knitted. I’ve learned to write with a fountain pen. I’ve listened to new music. I’ve taken part in a protest at our state capitol for a cause I believe in.
That was the me. This is the “he.”
We had a confrontation between Christmas and New Year’s. I ambushed him and demanded to see his phone and computer. After staring me down for – no joke- 45 minutes, he finally consented.
I didn’t find a darn thing. And the subsequent conversation resulted only in an admission that he had emotionally divorced me, and another ILYBINILWY. He made two surprising statements: that it was embarrassing to admit that, and that it had happened before that he had lost feelings for me, but the feelings had come back.
The second one was my pointing out that I didn’t think it reasonable that he had gone without sex for a year, being a healthy (I’m assuming here) male. He said, “Well, neither have you.”
I was too stunned to say that, under different circumstances, I would not be averse to actually acting like man and wife.
I asked about the receipts, too. He said he wasn’t hiding them, just didn’t think I used them to check the credit card statements. He put most of the old ones in an envelope for me. Nothing on the receipts was out of line.
I got a gift for Christmas from the boys and Santa, long underwear. And a kiss on the cheek in thank you for the gift card the boys and I gave him. I got a kiss on the cheek on New Year’s Eve, too. I’m sure that both pained him.
There have been some significant changes in him, which started during his time off for the holidays. He has spent much more time downstairs with the family, watching movies or watching the boys play video games.
He has even attempted to play himself once or twice. He has told me that he is trying to bond with the boys.
He has initiated more conversations with me. He has emailed a couple times. He has even called a couple times. Last Friday he called to ask if I minded if he met a friend who was passing through town for dinner.
I still don’t know if there is ow. Not finding anything wasn’t a relief. I still feel that he is getting emotional closeness, at the very least, from someone else. After the holidays were over, I was just sick and tired of being obsessed over it and being unsuccessful about putting it out of my mind.
That is when I decided to renew my focus on me. I read 5 Love Languages and have tried to put that into practice with my boys and H. I figure it can only improve my relationships in life.
Two other books I’ve enjoyed are The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and Emily of Deep Valley by Maud Hart Lovelace.
That one in particular is a good inspiration to “ Muster your wits: stand in your own defense.” It is about a high school graduate who is left behind when all her buddies go off to college. She has to learn to let go of her old life and not feel sorry for herself. She has to Get a Life. Sounds familiar.
