D is just a piece of paper. H , in our long convos by text and email lol, said that if we were ever to have a relationship again, he would want a D first...weird, I know, but I also understand his position.
So, D does not bother me, really, and I think I personally am moving to the place where I would rather be D'd than separated myself. Sometimes I think it is for some of us, that last little step that forces us to detach completely, even if we still love S with all our heart
Why did you need to have the discussion? And was the discussion about cleaning?
W came in the MBR and asked why I said something about S18. I don't remember her exact question, but initial topic was about S18 and church. It was pretty much an attack on me, with W basically saying I'm to blame because S18 doesn't want to be more involved at church.
Ultimately, my W is a conflict avoider. She was clearly upset, though whether it was about the church, or cleaning, or something else is unknown. She wanted to say something about it, but as soon as it escalated, she fell back into "I'm done" mode and left the room. This is all very normal, though I didn't see it clearly at the time.
In hindsight, I should have asked her to sit down and tell me what was really bothering her. I should have been loving and supportive, I should have defused the fight before it started. And I just read Gottman's chapter talking about defusing fights too...doh!
Hey Ruby...thanks for stopping in. I think my W may have the same mindset regarding the D. She has told me that she doesn't think a D will make me stop wanting to make the relationship work, and she's right. I'd probably continue to fight for her up until she married someone else.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
When is your court date ??
It seems that she is gaining fuel to push away, and your lack of just listening/validating her , is allowing her to push some buttons on you....
Of course, you are the one that allows those buttons to be pushed...
You aren't always gonna like what she says, or how she parents the children. Yet, you are always gonna have to support her in HER decisions...
Maybe that is why she thinks you haven't changed ????
Did you always question her parenting decisions ???
How are you different now, as opposed to before with matters like this ???
Good to see you Mach! Good points.
Court date is about a month away and I'm pretty sure we'll just extend it again in some fashion until the house is sold so I don't think that's it.
We did talk a little this morning (she apologized! whoa!) and she did say she felt like I undermined her with regards to the cleaning. I get that, though I didn't say anything in front of the kids and my intent wasn't to not do it, just to have a softer hand with it. But I didn't get why she got as angry about it as she did. She explained that it was a bunch of stuff, S18, a doctor appt, our past, etc. all rolled up together.
You are right on with listening and validating. When she started blaming me, I stopped listening at that point and went on the defensive. I need to recognize that better. I did a really good job during this morning's discussion, but of course, she was much calmer.
In terms of how I'm different, it's really night and day. I could see this going two ways in the old days. 1) I'd be yelling at everyone to get it done or 2) I'd let her take command and I'd sit on my ass. Now, I simply wanted her to ease up a bit and I was helping the entire time. I even boned that damn chicken for her while she was at work! :p
One thing she said this morning sounded different. She said "people continue to change every day. I don't think we're the same people were were yesterday, or a year ago, etc." That's a long way from the "you can't change who you are" I used to hear.
In terms of how I'm different, it's really night and day. I could see this going two ways in the old days. 1) I'd be yelling at everyone to get it done or 2) I'd let her take command and I'd sit on my ass. Now, I simply wanted her to ease up a bit and I was helping the entire time.
Oh, I didn't say that you haven't changed. I just wanted YOU to see it too..
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I even boned that damn chicken for her while she was at work! :p
Careful there...if you start to itch, well....
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
One thing she said this morning sounded different. She said "people continue to change every day. I don't think we're the same people were were yesterday, or a year ago, etc." That's a long way from the "you can't change who you are" I used to hear.
She is changing BD, maybe not as fast as you would like her to, yet she is...
What appears to be happening, is that it isn't happening on YOUR time, and you are getting impatient.
And also, do not underestimate the power of the legal stuff on her mind. You say that you aren't concerned with it, yet you post about it almost daily....
How is that mindreading workin for ya ???
I know how hard it is with a live-in, I have lived that.
Stay consistent , and true to yourself.
That is the person that she will seek out through her hard times. Listen and validate when you can.
Ask her if she needs opinions ? or someone to just listen....???
Just be patient for now, and let things settle a bit. Be aware of these little things, and how they can set you back mentally. You have a pattern of that ( if you read back through your threads). So just let things "be" for now.
Remember, it doesn't have to be black of white. When it is time, it will be time for either to happen....
I went back recently, and re-read your bootcamp thread...
I highly suggest it, if you haven't for a while...
Great advice Mach. I've heard you say "be patient and let it settle" a number of times, and every time, it has gotten better. I'm starting to see a pattern here...hmmm
And yes, I think you are right that she is changing, that she is healing, but it is slow. She is scared, and frankly, I have done a lot of damage. I need to be understanding and compassionate.
The court dates do stress me, but I'm trying to let it go. I had too many expectations tied to the first appearance and it hit me like a hammer.
Will go back and read the bootcamp thread again. I seem to get something out of it each time.
The court dates do stress me, but I'm trying to let it go. I had too many expectations tied to the first appearance and it hit me like a hammer.
I understand, yet I wasn't referring to you.
This thing...is still out there, floating around like a balloon at a skeet shooting competition.
Every time it gets closer, SHE holds that decision in her hands. To delay, to proceed....it's a killer for her.
Think about this...
If you were making a decision in your life, a huge decision, that would impact your family, and perhaps future generations of your family....
Would you ask questions, and test things ?
Would you poke and prod, and find out truths before making that decision ???
Relax my Brother...
It is YOU that she is looking toward for her information. She is testing you to see how things could maybe be different than what you have shown in the past. It is YOU that she is looking at to see if she feels understood, or judged.
It is YOU that she is looking toward to see if she gets all giggly inside when you "bone her Chicken"...
It is YOU that she wants to light up when you see her, or she sees you...
Your life is a test...it always has been a test.
With that....
Are you REALLY the person that you have been for the past few months ?
Or are you the person that you were, before this happened ??
The best part, is that YOU get to decide that one...
Don't underestimate the power of what she is, or isn't thinking....
You still seem to communicate, so why not ask ????
Try this...
Look her in the eye, and tell her...
Rather than assume, I have noticed that you seem a little off the past few days...
And if you want to share, I will happily listen, no judgement, no fixing, simply an ear for you.
I finished re-reading my bootcamp thread and wow, have I changed. Probably the biggest difference to me is the mental turmoil is mostly gone. Yeah, I still have a lot of the same feelings, but my mind isn't spinning out of control the way it used to. There's much more calmness.
That said, some recurring themes:
- still struggling with patience - need to re-focus on being a good listener - need to continue GAL and turning down W's invitations more
I was kinda shocked that Mach told me in July to start focusing on me, to GAL, to turn down 2/3 of W's invitations and looking back, I've only started doing that in the last week. I had done some GAL, but was still way to available to W.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
It is YOU that she is looking toward for her information. She is testing you to see how things could maybe be different than what you have shown in the past. It is YOU that she is looking at to see if she feels understood, or judged.
It is YOU that she is looking toward to see if she gets all giggly inside when you "bone her Chicken"...
It is YOU that she wants to light up when you see her, or she sees you...
Your life is a test...it always has been a test.
Ah...now that makes a lot of sense. I need to stop looking to her for answers, and spend more time looking to myself. Less time in fix it mode, and more time in listen mode.
I was kinda shocked that Mach told me in July to start focusing on me, to GAL, to turn down 2/3 of W's invitations and looking back, I've only started doing that in the last week. I had done some GAL, but was still way to available to W.
The part of DBing that I don't like, is that it feels like a game.
It is NOT a game, although it plays like one.
I will not advocate playing games with anyone, and their emotions..
what I will say BD...
Is that she has never been in danger of losing you, at any point..
And usually in those situations, she doesn't have to exert any effort finding you. She knows exactly where you are at, anytime she wants you.
You are right where she left you, and for the most part, that is a good thing. The bad part, is that with knowing right where you are, she never has to look for you. And I don't mean that in a kindergarten , hide-and-seek kind of way.
It is a double edged sword, with a razor's edge that you must walk with that.
With that said....
This back and forth, with her never really making a decision one way or the other, is harmful to you. It doesn't bother her to keep you at arms length. She has the best of both worlds.
And while she APPEARS to be making a decision one day, she changes it the next, and you are on pins and needles again.
That is you allowing her to dictate how and what you want your life to look like.
Fine line, and I gotta say, I feel like I am jumping from one side to the other just trying to explain it.
I STILL think that you allow her to use the threat of a Divorce to control the situation. And I firmly believe that needs to stop....
One of the things I have been trying to get across, is that focusing on you, takes that away from her, without actually taking it away from her.
Make sense ??
Maybe 25 will jump on here and pick up my words a bit...????
