Help/Advice needed please...

[labug]

What is this talk about?

[Intact]

Honestly I have no idea. She found out that someone had spotted her with OM and told me - she text me last night saying "I don't want to talk tonight as my head is full of stuff can I pop by tomorrow"

That's all I have so I really haven't got a clue.

[labug]

So just listen to what she has to say. Validate her feelings and tell her thanks for talking with you.

[Intact]

So just listen to what she has to say. Validate her feelings and tell her thanks for talking with you.

Will do thank you. After this I will probably only see her once a week for about 5 minutes so I think it's all a uphill struggle from now on... Wonder how long these affairs usually last?

[Intact]

Well she bought her mother with her - have no idea why.

She just wanted to talk about "co parenting" - my wife speaks in such final terms I do wonder if a way back together is ever actually going to be possible.

[25yearsmlc]

Well she bought her mother with her - have no idea why.

She just wanted to talk about "co parenting" - my wife speaks in such final terms I do wonder if a way back together is ever actually going to be possible.

Have you actually read the DB or Div Remedy book(s)? B/C they address this.

OF COURSE she acts as if it's all over. She may SAY it's over. She may mean it, today.

That doesn't make it true AND even if it is true, people change. It might only be true TODAY.

In 2006 I gave my marriage a "10% chance of success" and I meant it...THEN.

But the need to react to her holding hands w/OM is not a mature thought out reaction. Good grief.

You "need" do NOTHING at the moment. Just listen to her. YOU KNOW there were significant problems in your marriage and as you admit, you were a lousy h to her for a long time.

WHy not admit it and thank her for being the catalyst for change that YOU needed and then, as time passes, let her SEE those changes. Once you admit you are changing, there will NOT be a need to highlight or point out those changes as that looks tactical, rather than sincere.

But at least show her that you "get it" now. Even if it's too late, for your next r, you'll be a better partner.

She won't want the "next woman" to benefit from HER sacrifices. She won't want to think that all the #$%^ she went through with you , NOW leads you to become the man she always wanted,

only to be with some OW. But she will have to believe your changes are real

AND PERMANENT. How can she believe that?

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

I would not go out to bars or wherever it is you used to go out. Surely you can GAL without doing that. It's pretty unoriginal and it's not what adult men do to GAL, in all honesty.

Get a hobby or join something. A club or organization or volunteer or take a class. Even just playing cards at someone's house is better than a bar. A bar would be the LAST place I'd go to GAL, espeically if I wanted my spouse to think I had changed.

But please stop freaking out. She held a man's hand in public. She must wonder what you were doing all those nights in bars, in the dark, while only touching her if it meant sex.

You must learn some empathy for her. To see the marriage through HER eyes for awhile, in order to realize how unfair you're being even now.

Have you apologized for what you put her through? Did you simply implore her to stay OR did you own up to your role in the problems?

Don't confuse a sincere apology, without expectations, with pursuit.

I cannot imagine ANY reconciliation without some atonement. That will eventually be for both of you.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I'm not sure if you have read the books here or not. I didn't find a place where you say you have.

The books form the basis of this site's approach to solving marriage problems. READ IT.

There's no way you can get what you need out of this site without reading at least one of the books. You live where there are libraries? Bookstores?

Get the book and read it and you'll find yourself much guided and strengthened. But read the book!

[Intact]

Well she bought her mother with her - have no idea why.

She just wanted to talk about "co parenting" - my wife speaks in such final terms I do wonder if a way back together is ever actually going to be possible.

Have you actually read the DB or Div Remedy book(s)? B/C they address this.

OF COURSE she acts as if it's all over. She may SAY it's over. She may mean it, today.

That doesn't make it true AND even if it is true, people change. It might only be true TODAY.

In 2006 I gave my marriage a "10% chance of success" and I meant it...THEN.

But the need to react to her holding hands w/OM is not a mature thought out reaction. Good grief.

You "need" do NOTHING at the moment. Just listen to her. YOU KNOW there were significant problems in your marriage and as you admit, you were a lousy h to her for a long time.

WHy not admit it and thank her for being the catalyst for change that YOU needed and then, as time passes, let her SEE those changes. Once you admit you are changing, there will NOT be a need to highlight or point out those changes as that looks tactical, rather than sincere.

But at least show her that you "get it" now. Even if it's too late, for your next r, you'll be a better partner.

She won't want the "next woman" to benefit from HER sacrifices. She won't want to think that all the #$%^ she went through with you , NOW leads you to become the man she always wanted,

only to be with some OW. But she will have to believe your changes are real

AND PERMANENT. How can she believe that?

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

I would not go out to bars or wherever it is you used to go out. Surely you can GAL without doing that. It's pretty unoriginal and it's not what adult men do to GAL, in all honesty.

Get a hobby or join something. A club or organization or volunteer or take a class. Even just playing cards at someone's house is better than a bar. A bar would be the LAST place I'd go to GAL, espeically if I wanted my spouse to think I had changed.

But please stop freaking out. She held a man's hand in public. She must wonder what you were doing all those nights in bars, in the dark, while only touching her if it meant sex.

You must learn some empathy for her. To see the marriage through HER eyes for awhile, in order to realize how unfair you're being even now.

Have you apologized for what you put her through? Did you simply implore her to stay OR did you own up to your role in the problems?

Don't confuse a sincere apology, without expectations, with pursuit.

I cannot imagine ANY reconciliation without some atonement. That will eventually be for both of you.

This is great advice and gives me something to think about - thank you.

I have sincerely apologised to her for the way I behaved during our marriage...

I know what you mean regarding going to bars etc - trouble is I live in a tiny village and we only had 1 car - hers. Unfortunately as I'm trying to keep the house over my sons head etc I can not afford a car at the moment so GAL is a little difficult if it doesn't involve bars - although I have signed up to a cookery class at our village hall.

[25yearsmlc]

Intact

every item I listed on my GAL list took place in the interior of Alaska, mostly in the winter. I also coached a softball team, was on the board of directors for wrestlers and learned to cross country ski, shoot, and fish.

Either get a ride somewhere (how do you get to the bars?) or buy a bike...but GAL that is not at a bar.

Your excuse is just an excuse. It's not great "husband/father" material either and you know it bothered her.

Is that what you want to give off now?

[Intact]

Intact

every item I listed on my GAL list took place in the interior of Alaska, mostly in the winter. I also coached a softball team, was on the board of directors for wrestlers and learned to cross country ski, shoot, and fish.

Either get a ride somewhere (how do you get to the bars?) or buy a bike...but GAL that is not at a bar.

Your excuse is just an excuse. It's not great "husband/father" material either and you know it bothered her.

Is that what you want to give off now?

You're absolutely right. The bar is only down the road from me so it as been the easy option. I am looking for new hobbies that interest me. I have also taken up squash twice a week - which I love.

I suppose one of the problems I've had with this is that I'm a photographer - so my main hobby is my profession.