Along with patience with our wives, we need to have patience with ourselves. Our changes won't become permanent overnight. I think the first step is to get in a mindset to permanently strive for change.
I do see that I have a lot more patients with others than I do with myself. I guess it's because I know myself and I know what I want (and need) to do so I'm hard on myself when I slip up.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I'm glad Mach popped in...he helped me immensely last year. He will make you think, and you'll grow because of it.
I'm glad too, the questions he posed in last post have really been on my mind. I'm surprised at how many of my thoughts revolve(d) around not letting my marriage fail rather than just enjoying it. It's something I'm really going to work on in life, not just M. Our upcoming family cruise + the D process (next court date set for 3/12) have been weighing me down because I was feeling like I was running out of time. My thoughts revolved around what I could do before 3/12 to make a change but I know that thinking won't work because it just adds more pressure. Now I'm really trying to just enjoy the kids, GAL, work on me, and enjoy the time I spend with W.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Now I'm really trying to just enjoy the kids, GAL, work on me, and enjoy the time I spend with W.
Uhmmm......
Isn't that ...????
Nevermind
3030,
How much of that behavior was driven from your fears of what COULD be ?
I'm pretty sure a lot of it was...
Try to release that fear, and let it go. The worse has already happened, and there is nothing/was nothing that you can do about it now. So why are you so afraid of it now ???
Things come to you in waves, and you will deal with things when you are ready to see/hear/sniff/taste/touch them. Until YOU are ready to face them, they will never present themselves.
Something that I read, and followed, through this, was that God gives us EXACTLY the problems we need, in order to fix ourselves.
How much of your past behavior can you accept ? Forgive ? and more importantly...
Change what you don't like, and let the rest go ????
If one approaches the Tee with that mindset, the chances of landing your shot in the drink, are much greater than hitting the green.
LOL! Interestingly there's a concept in motorcycle training called "fixation" that is much the same as your example. The way it works is this- the more you focus on something you're trying to avoid, the more inclined you are to hit it. So for example, if you see a pothole in the road and you stare at it and tell yourself to avoid it, then you will probably drive right through the middle of it, LOL! So instead you should quickly note it's location, chart your path AROUND it and focus on THAT path rather than the pothole location.
I STILL think that you allow her to use the threat of a Divorce to control the situation. And I firmly believe that needs to stop....
One of the things I have been trying to get across, is that focusing on you, takes that away from her, without actually taking it away from her.
My W avoids conflict as much as possible and admittedly either shuts down or lies so she doesn't have to deal with it. Now that the D is in process her canned response to anything she isn't comfortable with is 'I don't need to answer/ respond because it doesn't matter because we're getting a D'. I know she's saying this so she can end the conversation and she knows it's not what I want so it hurts me. I need to focus on me to take this threat away from her. Need to really prove to her that I don't care. So hard because as you guys know I do, heck we all do.
Mach - To answer you previous post I think a lot of my ugly habits have come from fear. Fear of being alone/ abandoned, fear of being hurt, fear of D, fear of being found out to not be everything people think I am, etc... As you said the worst of most of those fears has come true so there's no reason to be afraid of them anymore. Your posts make me think, even the ones not in my thread. Thanks again.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
To answer you previous post I think a lot of my ugly habits have come from fear. Fear of being alone/ abandoned, fear of being hurt, fear of D, fear of being found out to not be everything people think I am, etc... As you said the worst of most of those fears has come true so there's no reason to be afraid of them anymore.
So where do those fears REALLY come from ???
Why do they still affect you so much ?
Is the reality of what has happened, better or worse than you imagined it being ?
When you start to understand those fears, then you will start to see how fear overtakes your interactions. you start acting out of fear, and it drives the poor habits that you have acquired over the years.
When you first started dating your spouse, did you act out of fear ?
I would guess that you didn't.
Fear is an emotion. When you can overcome it, then you can start acting from a place of rational thought. Think about how irrational your spouse seems to you right now. I'm sure that you think that she is 180 different than she was when you met, or even last year.
She is running and reacting on pure emotion. Emotions are driving her thoughts, actions, everything about her. You think it is strange, yet to her, those emotions are very real to her, the same as your fear is very real to you.
Once you can let that go, then you will be free of emotional reactions, and start rational actions.
Your goal should be to act rationally...not to REact emotionally..
And when you can act, then your reactions will start coming from a place of rationality...
One of the things I would do, is to be conscious of the difference when I would interact with strangers, or family members. When I would talk with a stranger, there was a complete absence of emotion, and the interactions looked very different than when I would talk with Family, or friends. I would intentionally provoke a topic where that family member, or friend would start interjecting emotion into the conversation, to gauge how I would react.
Maybe start recognizing the triggers, or behaviors that trigger you interjecting emotion into your conversations. Start digging into the "whys" of you becoming emotional.
My W avoids conflict as much as possible and admittedly either shuts down or lies so she doesn't have to deal with it. Now that the D is in process her canned response to anything she isn't comfortable with is 'I don't need to answer/ respond because it doesn't matter because we're getting a D'. I know she's saying this so she can end the conversation and she knows it's not what I want so it hurts me. I need to focus on me to take this threat away from her. Need to really prove to her that I don't care. So hard because as you guys know I do, heck we all do.
You don't need to prove to her that you don't care. You can detach and still care. You need to act as if. You need to work on yourself. Believe it or not if you had the mindset that it was over (plan for the worst, hope for the best) it would help take the focus off your W and you could really look inward at yourself.
it wasn't until I started attending ACOA where it clicked "oh f%ck my W was right, I am not an easy person to talk to" "oh crap I am just like my mother" "oh crap I am... and the list goes on"
I am determined to fix these areas and that is what you should be doing.
Spartan it is not over until it is over. Keep working on you and don't help the D in any sort of way, unless you want a D.
I think a lot of my ugly habits have come from fear. Fear of being alone/ abandoned, fear of being hurt, fear of D, fear of being found out to not be everything people think I am, etc...
Wow, can I ever relate to this!!!! Fear was eating me alive before W moved out. Nasty scenarios played out against my eyelids like some horror movie every night when I tried to sleep. I would have given anything to keep her home so I didn't have to face those fears. But she did leave, and as my "new" life sorted itself out I was surprised to see that not a single one of those nasty scenarios came to pass. Instead what I discovered was I could be much more independent then I ever thought possible, I could run an entire household, I could be a great father and still find time to do laundry, cleaning, food, etc. I could be alone without my kids every other week without freaking out (and could even find ways to enjoy that time alone). And in time I came to realize that people didn't see me as a weak failure of a husband, but as a strong figure who worked hard to hold the marriage together in the face of impossible odds and act as an anchor for the kids during a terrible crisis. And you are all of this as well, you just don't know it yet Have faith in yourself, because I already have faith in you.
When you start to understand those fears, then you will start to see how fear overtakes your interactions. you start acting out of fear, and it drives the poor habits that you have acquired over the years.
Read your post at least 5 times today and have thought a lot about all of it. All you guys make me think so much about myself in ways I never have before. It's enlightening and I'm starting to already feel a difference in the way I think about things.
I'm realizing today that fear has really driven a lot of who I am. Not all for the bad because it was a driver for me to have many successes (fear of failure) but I can easily see how fear has hurt my R with W. Looking back I think the big shift in me happened when she had a PA 8 years ago and we never really resolved the hurt I felt. I've been afraid to trust her since then. At least through all this I did bring it up during one of our talks and let her know how much it hurt. Not much of a response from her but I honestly felt better and it felt like a huge weight was lifted off me. For some strange reason I felt like that helped me get over it if that makes any sense.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Maybe start recognizing the triggers, or behaviors that trigger you interjecting emotion into your conversations. Start digging into the "whys" of you becoming emotional.
Make sense ???
The other fear I didn't mention is the fear of not being loved/ respected. In my thinking today my trigger, and I can't believe I never really put it together, is when my W acts like she doesn't care about me or the topic. When she shuts down, shows she doesn't care about me, or is obviously lying is when my emotions erupt. That's when I start reacting on emotion, all rationality is lost, and the stupid, many times complete nonsensical, thoughts come out of my mouth. I will pay more attention to this and if I feel I can't stay rational I'll just walk away but my goal is to not let it affect me in this way.
Originally Posted By: PowerOfNow
You don't need to prove to her that you don't care. You can detach and still care. You need to act as if. You need to work on yourself. Believe it or not if you had the mindset that it was over (plan for the worst, hope for the best) it would help take the focus off your W and you could really look inward at yourself.
I'm trying to get to this point. Until I can detach I'll continue to act as if. Been doing good since last Thursday (I know not that long but baby steps).
Quote:
Spartan it is not over until it is over. Keep working on you and don't help the D in any sort of way, unless you want a D.
I will now admit I don't want D. As you guys know I've thought about leaving/ quitting many times but I realized (again today) that it was more out of fear and not something I ever wanted. No matter what she's done in past or how I feel I've been treated I do love my W and want to stay M.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Fear was eating me alive before W moved out. Nasty scenarios played out against my eyelids like some horror movie every night when I tried to sleep. I would have given anything to keep her home so I didn't have to face those fears.
The nasty scenarios I used to play out happened during the past several years when she'd go out. I was always afraid she'd do something again and/or was lying to me. It made things so much worse then they ever had to be. I was a controlling freak for a while there. Thank God I'm getting past that. I don't give it much thought anymore when she's out or working late and it's getting better with every passing day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I really will be detached. Still not there but I think getting closer.
One thing I realized today is I'm not afraid of a future without my W. I don't want that for me (or my kids) but this isn't what keeps me up worrying. I know I can handle a house, I'm a great parent, I make good money, and I don't think I'll have issues dating when I'm ready.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Have faith in yourself, because I already have faith in you.