LBS-still hauling-3rd lap

[Lampstand]

Stopping attempts at contact is very hard. I pressured my H to leave a month ago and he's initiated no contact with me other than sending me a chat invite after I sent 3 emails. I've thrown him out several times before but I've ALWAYS asked him back. He always comes back and forgives and forgets. But I don't want that marriage back. I want things to be different. I want to be a different wife. I never thought I would miss him. I didn't even think I loved him. At this point I don't even care about the problems. I think about not having his friendship anymore and it hurts so bad. I screwed up. And I don't know if I can fix it.