I'm sure it's emasculating not to be working full time. I don't ever make waves about it. I don't nag or belittle him. I'm supportive of the time he does work and that's that. I hope it's enough.
I try to view it as I'm responsible for all the bills. If he happens to contribute to the household expenses, great. If not, then it's no different than if he weren't there. Don't get me wrong, he does buy quite a bit of the groceries, I'm not saying he doesn't contribute. I just try to look at it as if it just doesn't matter. I'm in a much better situation with him there than I would be without him there.
The exercise definitely helps with the depression. I see a huge difference in my attitude about things. Those endorphines are stronger than drugs! I find that I don't break down and cry 1-2 times a day anymore. It's more like 1-2 times a week since I ratcheted up the exercise. I'm so glad about that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I've discovered that a 15 pound medicine ball will kick your butt! My entire body is killing me from bouncing it back and forth with Gabe at the gym. ARGH!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Eeewwwww...I had an eye opening conversation with a friend the other day. I've been processing it ever since and trying to figure out what it all means.
I was at the market and ran into one of my very good friends. We've both been crazy busy with the holidays and haven't had a chance to get together so we were playing catch up. Inevitably, she asked the question she always does (half jokingly)"So, have you and Gabe gotten re-married yet?" I just laughed and told her no but that I had been thinking about a couple of things.
First, with the new Health Care act we are going to have to start paying for next year it is going to cost more for me to pay for me and Marc and Gabe to pay for his than it would have cost for us as a family.
Second, I really need to have a living will drawn up so that in case something happens to me, Marc won't have to make a decision he is absolutely not mature enough to make. I don't want him to have to face pulling the plug or not. Gabe wouldn't be permitted to do that because we aren't married anymore.
She stopped me and said, "Gees, isn't there any better reason for getting married than those? I supposed people get married for all sorts of reasons but I would hope there are better ones than those for you."
I thought for a second and then told her that, those reasons are practical and don't scare me. The other reasons are terrifying. She then asked me if I was scared the first time I married him and I told her no, I was young and naive and stupid then. Now my eyes are wide open and I can't see marriage the same way anymore.
She laughed and said I needed more therapy!
We moved on with our conversation then but that has been in the back of my head ever since. I wonder if my feelings on the subject are just because it's Gabe and I have massive trust issues with him or if my feelings in general would be the same regardless of who it was. Would I trust anyone? It's an interesting question.
I don't know the answer and likely never will, but I wonder how the rest of you feel on the subject. Can you see completely trusting someone again or are the scars so deep that you can't see being that open with anyone?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I've been saying I don't want to get married again, and I claimed that the reason was, that getting UNmarried was such a pain in the neck, I don't ever want to go through that again.
(Which I guess reflects a certain loss of innocence, that I'll never again believe naively in forever love)
I didn't THINK I was scared to get involved in a long-term relationship though. Lately, I've had to come to grips with the fact that I've developed some Love Avoidant characteristics myself, though, and that I'm more comfortable dating unavailable guys, than I would be dating someone who wanted the whole enchilada with me. Definitely some scars, I guess.
After Chuck left me I swore I would NEVER be able to trust anyone again. I had trusted him with my soul and he violated that trust badly. Just as Gabe has done with you. You have never resolved your trust issues with Gabe but you are turning a blind eye to all that has gone on with him. He is not committing to you which just adds to all the pain and confusion. You have decided to accept him on those terms yet you constantly struggle with it all. In my opinion - you are selling yourself short BIG TIME. But we know that and you choose to continue. That's your right. But will you ever truly trust him again? I doubt it.
But someone new is a fresh start. I decided to give Josh a chance. To see if I could truly love and trust a new man. And I can honestly say that after 9 years - I can trust him. He has never done a single thing that gives me any reason not to. He is good and kind and loving. The only thing he will not do is ask me to marry him. Is that an issue for me? Kind of. Because I'm a hopeless romantic who would love to be married. Is it a deal breaker? Nope - no way. I doubt I could find another man who I love as much and who loves me back as much. If getting married is his one hangup - then I'll deal with it.
In Canada - we are considered in a common law marriage after living together for a year. So in that sense - we are married. I'd still like the party and "atta girl" from my friends and family. But it's ok, really.
Interesting question. I think you need to do more soul searching and as your friend suggests - a chat with your C.
And Mish - as far as the practical details - I'd talk to a tax accountant before deciding to marry for financial reasons. Yes, you might get a cheaper family policy for health insurance, - but you might get certain tax breaks as a single head of household that you wouldn't get if you remarried. You might still be better off tax-wise as a single woman.
There is always risk in anything. Going through divorce makes you much more aware of the risk. Doesn't mean though that the risk is negative. There could be a risk that it could work out. Glass half full.. or half empty.
I know that right after the divorce if I saw a wedding party I wanted to run up to them and shout, " Dont do it. He is going to hurt you! He is going to cheat!". Now I have gotten past that. I would like to get married again. Preferably that has already dealt with their mid life stuff! Lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I find that I don't break down and cry 1-2 times a day anymore. It's more like 1-2 times a week since I ratcheted up the exercise. I'm so glad about that.