One goal I always had was to never have my kids be from a broken home and never have them feel unloved by their dad like I did. I now have serious doubts I can accomplish my first goal and realize it's not solely in my control. Since the second one is in my control I have no doubt I'll accomplish that one and be the best father I can be for my kids. I can't let any of my issues rub off on them so now I'll work doubly hard on myself since they are obviously still tucked away deep inside.
Did you know, that the Human mind is incapable of distinguishing the difference between DO and DON'T ???
We may think about the difference, yet when it is calculated inside of our noggin, there is no distinction between the two.
Look at it this way, imagine yourself standing on the 17th tee at TPC Sawgrass (google it to see it), and as you prepare to hit the ball, you keep telling yourself..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
What your mind interprets is...
Hit it in the water....
Hit it in the water....
Because the mind doesn't distinguish the "don't" in the beginning..
If one approaches the Tee with that mindset, the chances of landing your shot in the drink, are much greater than hitting the green.
So how should one approach the shot ?
A simple change in the perception of the language.
Hit the green...
Hit the green...
Hit the green...
The same applies to what we value in our own lives. I was much the same as you, I came from a broken home, and I made a vow to myself that I would NEVER do that to my children.
What happened was, that saying "Don't let the Marriage fail" over and over, was much like saying, don't hit it in the water. It became a goal that I was actually working toward, instead of working away from it.
I was conscious that it could happen ( the marriage failing), yet I focused so much on stopping it from happening , that I became a person that I never imagined that I could be, or ever wanted to be. I was clingy, controlling, manipulative, co-dependent , and I don't blame my EX for wanting a life without that...not me, mind you.... that ^^^
And I can't say that I blame her for not wanting a relationship like that. I know that I wouldn't want that for myself. What started as her not wanting that^^, became that I was the person associated with that behavior , and the behavior and I became forever linked together in her mind.
Think about how your thoughts become goals for behavior, and try to imagine how your actions were driven by your fears of failing the marriage. Recognize those thought patterns , and dig deep into yourself to kill the patterns of stinkin thinkin.
This is the time for YOU to figure those things out, and really change those things within yourself. It is easy to see the obvious things within our behaviors that lead us here. The hard work starts, when we think we are done. The hard work is the most gratifying work of our lives, and pays the greatest dividends....
You have already seen the power of acting "as if" , and pulling a 180. And you did that, not for her, but because YOU wanted to act differently. How did that feel to you ? For you ?
Start living your life in that mindset, because in the end, YOU are the one you have to live with....
Spartan great job not bringing it back up. When you think you're going to react to something remember you can only control you.
You are working on becoming a loofe. When you don't react the intimidator has no energy to feed off. When you don't react there is nothing to argue about.
I have ACOA support to call at any time. I have a lady I can email 24 x 7
You need a support system outside friends and family. If I listened to friends, family and counselors I would be d'd.
When kids goto bed at night what are you doing to gal or change the dynamic
Mach - Great post and thanks for the insights. The golf analogy really worked for me. A couple months back I read a golf book 'Golf is not a game of perfect' and the point of the book was to eliminate the negative thoughts. Funny I could apply it to my golf game but never thought about it in my own life/ M. My fear of failing the M drove me to do things I never imagined doing. Gives me a lot to think about. I'll check the 360 later today.
Labug - This process has made me realize just how many layers of "bad" I really had to work on. Before BD I thought I was Super-man, then I thought I just had some issues, now I see lots of room for improvement with list growing daily. You would think it would be depressing not thinking I was great anymore but it's enlightening and exciting. BTW - I liked myself in mirror again today
PON - realistically you guys are my support system. My church campus director has even recently flipped and told me maybe I should consider moving. GALing at night usually involves me reading, playing video game or guitar, workout if didn't do earlier in day, or watching a movie. Not real exciting but haven't done much of those for last several years because W didn't like them. We'd just watch sitcoms and most of those bore me to death. Guitar is new hobby and loving it. Just finishing up 1st song (lyrics have a very BD feel, sounds country).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Read Laws of attractions and it makes sense. Trying to change my mindset and stop thinking about D (it's tough but forcing myself to do it). Just got first set of interrogatories from W's lawyer yesterday. So much BS in these things... Oh well got to fill it out but I'll take all 10 days to do it.
After my 24 hour beatdown of myself after starting fight I've been in a good mood. Yesterday had a blast at a charity dinner with a bunch of friends. Went longer than I expected so working with 23 4 year olds at early church service this AM was a little tiring (sure glad I don't drink anymore). Before that spent day with family and I acted like nothing happened in fight on Thursday. My morning workout got cancelled so we went to gym and ran, very surprised that W got on treadmill next to me. She usually works out away from me so surprised me that of all times to run next to me is one day after huge fight. I'll never understand WAS's (or women in general. Didn't say anything or show anything to W.
Today went to church and spent rest of day with kids. We're getting ready to go swimming right now. W called to ask if she could join us since she's on her way home.
Church service today was about looking to God when dealing with difficult people in our lives. Instead of blaming them for all the wrongs they do to you and trying to change them to what we need them to be he said we need to look at ourselves and look to God to help us fix ourselves. He also discussed fight or flight tendencies but said to be like Jesus the third option is to forgive and have patience. It felt like pastor was preaching directly to me (again) and he had just finished reading DR .
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
This is something I need to remember as well. Along with patience with our wives, we need to have patience with ourselves. Our changes won't become permanent overnight. Ithink the first step is to get in a mindset to permanently strive for change.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
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