That moment to go ballistic will always be there if I choose to take it, but once I do, I no longer have a choice. I like that the choices are mine. I am in control.
my new idol - this is what i aspire to. it was the total shock- brain off- gut running amok -
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I feel like this little baby who is coming is going to bring so much joy into mine and his brother's lives. I'm really looking forward to that. I know it's going to be super hard doing this alone, but who can be sad when you have something so perfect? 10 more weeks!
omg - do i ever agree. that tiny little child - will be perfect. you are sure right- holding a teeny weeny baby and looking at them, so simple - so pure - what else in the world can compare. i am dying to get to fl again and hold my great nephew (almost a yr) and his sister - just turned 4. they are such a pleasure & a joy. all they want is some time and affection - who can be blue when you have a baby to play with? i can't thnk of anyone alive that i can make that happy- if that's greedy or grubby of me- so be it. i can suck up their pleasure and love like a sponge. it's what we're meant to feel it hink- all that. non of the pain and intrigue and crappola that adults deal with and deal out to each othr. if it can't be nice and love and courtesy and care- then why bother being in some relationships? i'm having a new outlook- hope it doesn't get wierd - but my hert is sooo bashed by this h - that i'm looking at all my other r and if they're not ncie or pleasant - (i'm willing to hand that out btw- so not asking for someting i'm not willing to gigve) i don't want them. simple as that. it's even making me inspect this troubled r with my mother.
i do not feel like accepting the junk anymore from anyone. working on that and how to extricate myself nicely.
anyway- BABIES _ WE LOVE THEM - they cut thru the crap inlife.
you will do well i am sure- if you can control yourself in this awful sitch- you are able to do anyting and i'm not kidding. i've got more control than 2.5 years ago- i'm not where you are tho. i am fighting hard to be me- and let go of notion i have 'DONE THIS - to him or me. it is him all the way.
surprisingly hard to accept that and move past it- let myself be self and "off the hook". i have a very high level of expectation of self. anyway- i can talk less- i can not get invested in a fight- i can sidestep one- i can not defned self - i cannot tho, at this moment, trust h or find the love i had or find the respect for his goodness i had, so on....
that's the sad bit. i feel like you- i loved without qualification- completely & utterly. that he chose to lie and screw it all up- i cannot fix or change. wh3re the future goes will be interesting to see- if i can recpature somethng- if i will need to even - if he regains his sanity- if he is too off the rails to ever get back- etc.
today- i'm glad here thnking of your baby- i'm cutting out hearts for my neice to decorate her room- i thnking of these babies in my life and how very very glad i'll be to hug them and go to the park and hear them laugh-
xxoo ((( ))) hang in there - i sure wish we were all neighbors and could meet up for a glass of wine- or what4ever. wouldn't it be nice to actualy sit and have a visit sometime with everyone tht has made life more bearable for these past few awful years.
wonder if it would be wird and we'd all look at each other and say "yikes" - mental pictures , etc. xxoo
