Cake-Eating..I just don't understand

[rosesarered]

So I had a major backslide this week. H and I were having dinner. I had too much wine and just started talking about everything. I leave on a trip tomorrow for a week. So H is moving back home to take care of the boys.
Anyway, I blabbed that when I get back everything is going to change adn that I am moving forward. He took it as a threat, of course he would, because he only thinks about himself. I wish I hadn't said anything because I wanted to that have conversation very emotion free. I also went on to ask him about his childhood. A lot of relationship issues in midlife stem from childhood problems. I asked him why he has such a different view from his brother. His brother talks about their childhood with pain. That his father was a drunk and his mother put up with everything. They would come home from school to a drunk father and all that comes with that. Anyway, H talks about his child hood with rose colored glasses. I think he is in denial. I believe his brother has dealt or is dealing with it and H is not. Anyway, just my opinion.

I just didn't want to have that conversation at all and especially not while having had too much wine.

I feel like this is a backslide, but I am getting back up and dusting this off. Yesterday, I told H that he didn't need to come home at all and I would just see him at S8 basketball game. We sat next to each other at the game and talked about nothing important. Then he left to go out with his friends, something that had been planned for a while. I didn't ask him about his plans. This morning he came over to pick up the kids. I didn't ask him about his night at all. He asked me all about my plans. Now he is off to breakfast with with kids. I am going for a run and out to brunch with a friend.

[rosesarered]

It has been a while since I last posted. I have been traveling for work. Finally had another discussion with H about how things are going. I apologized for my comments when I had my backslide a few weeks ago.

He said that I was mean that night and it took me 3 weeks to aplologuize. I at first listened to what he had to say. Then I couldn’t help it. I said I am aploguizing now. I explained that this was my anger coming out. I said, you never apologuized for some of the cruel things he said to me. He think he has apologized. He never apologized. I don't think he remembers some of the cruel things he said to me.
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He says he is not angry at me anymore. Still loves me as a friend and cares for me but doesn’t feel anything more than that. Doesn’t want to lead me to false hope.
Thinks I am different and trying too hard. I asked if I was doing anything right. He just said that I am trying too hard. I agreed that in the past I had the wrong priorities and now I have the rights ones. I said that I wouldn’t give up and I would continue to try. He also made a comment that it makes him realize that he sees what he missed out on a few years ago.

He only wants to come home every night because of the kids.
He says that he doesn’t believe that I understand how deeply I hurt him. He claims there is no one else that he is interested in.

He said several times that he would come back but would live with unhappiness. I explained that I only want him when he wants to come back.

He says he feels very guilty for being gone, doesn’t want to abandon me and the kids. Wishes he could be here for us. Likes his lone time.

Said twice that he still loves me but just doesn’t feel the same way.
Is this the MLC speaking. He really has come along way in the mLC tunnel. He doesn't appear angry anymore. I don’t know if he is searching inside him enough to relize that happiness comes within. He keeps saying that he is just trying to find happiness. I did say that happiness comes within.

Now what..
He seems to have settled down now. He is so much calmer now.
I asked him what his intensions were, he just doesn’t know. Made a comment, that we haven’t had a marriage in 2 years.

I have to go to FL April for work so I get a cheap hotel on the beach. He said that he wouldn't say no for now. That we could talk about it. I think he just feels guilty.

[AnotherStander]

Thinks I am different and trying too hard. I asked if I was doing anything right. He just said that I am trying too hard.

It sounds like what he's saying is that he sees your 180's, but they appear forced. So he thinks they are tricks to get him back. This is why it's important to stick with your 180's over a long period of time, it takes quite a while before the WAS starts to believe the 180's are real.

He says that he doesn’t believe that I understand how deeply I hurt him.

I hope that when he says things like this, that whether you believe them or not, you validate his emotions. Tell him "you sound hurt and in pain, I understand why my actions made you feel that way." Things like that. Don't agree or disagree, just validate.

He seems to have settled down now. He is so much calmer now.
I asked him what his intensions were, he just doesn’t know.

It does sound like he may be emerging from the tunnel, you said it started in Spring 2011 so the timeline seems about right for that. You might go to the MLC forum and read some of the resources there to help you cope. I've read that they will come in and out of the tunnel a lot during this stage, so now is the time for patience. Remember that you cannot help him out of the tunnel, your best approach is to stay detached, concentrate on yourself and the kids and give him space as he emerges.

[rosesarered]

Thanks Another Stander. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It really does help me cope. I am curious how "Retrouvaille" went for you. I will have to check out your thread.

H was supposed to go to a work event last night and chose to come home instead. Told me he plans to go to the store on Friday and will make dinner for us.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks Another Stander. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It really does help me cope. I am curious how "Retrouvaille" went for you. I will have to check out your thread.

It went well, W and I have been doing the followup exercises every evening and we seem to be connecting pretty well. We're hugging 2 or 3 times every time she comes over, leaning against each other, even a kiss here and there. W has REALLY opened up and is exploring some things she's kept bottled inside for years and years. She says it's like a great weight has been lifted from her. Still no talk of reconciling or moving back in, but I told her to take her time with it, no pressure from me.

[rosesarered]

Last night I had a total GAL night. Went to an 80s concert with friends while H stayed home with the boys. Today I am going on an overnight ski trip with the boys and our neighbors. H decided to go to NY instead. He is thinking about investing in a restaurant up there. Just another crazy MLC idea.

So I have been reading and re-reading the MLC success stories. They really do help me cope. I was so angry a few weeks ago that I wanted to drive more separation between us. Now I seem to be at peace with the situation. He seems to be coming through the tunnel. I can see signs. He is no longer angry. He doesn't have the mean angry outbursts that he used to have. Although there is nothing to lead me to believe that he will choose our R anytime soon. I am hopeful that in time he will. So I plan to just keep focusing on myself, the boys and GAL. I think the LBS goes through their own journey of emotions.

[tiredndrained]

Your H sounds a lot like mine except mine hasn't moved out. He sleeps in a different room and basically says the same stuff about being unhappy for years. My H did have an affair and would never admit it until I found out by accident. He also bought a sports car and if we had the money would probably have left by now. I hope you don't have the same situation with an OW. It complicates raw emotions even more.

At present, my H has been nicer and doing family stuff but still won't commit any further. It is very frustrating to say the least. I can't offer much in advice since I'm dealing with the same thing but at least you know you are not alone. This website is great when you feel like noone in the world understands what you are going through and find someone else that is in a similar sitaution.

These men in MLC are very selfish. They only think about themselves. My H went to a funeral yesterday at 9AM and didn't come home til 3AM. He runs away every night and will look for any reason to leave the house and then he doesn't return til the morning. Blames me for all of it. It is sad that they can't seem to find any happiness within themselves but choose to blame their spouse for their problems. We also have been together for 17yrs and have two S. My H also comes from a bad family life. I read in different places that has a lot do with MLC. Not sure if that is true or not. Hugs to you!!

[rosesarered]

Thanks Tired. Yes, I agree they are very selfish and self absorbed. I have stopped caring and almost laugh at the ridiculous things that my H does. Latest one, is that he wants to invest in a restaurant in NY. Good thing he is doing well professionally. He is still putting money each week into our joint account.

I have also read that MLC stems from unresolved childhood issues. My H is going to Boston next week to take his mom out for her birthday. He hasn't seen her in over a year and a half. I see this as a good sign for him in his progress out of the tunnel. Although I have zero expectations.

I still wonder if my H has an OW, although he swears he doesn't. I know he will never tell me unless it get more serious. I stop worrying about it. I just focus on me and the boys and doing whats best for us.

[rosesarered]

I finally heard from H today and I feel really annoyed. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days. He has sent a few texts and I always reply nicely. He decided to go to NYC for 1 night on Sunday. While i took the kids on a 1 night ski trip. The kids had a 4 days weekend. You think he would at least check in by phone but all I got I was 1 text. I know...zero expectations. I am actually proud of myself for not initiating any texts or phone calls because I normally would.

He did send a couple of texts on Monday. He usually calls or texts when he is back from a trip, but I got nothing.

He finally called this evening (Tuesday), he was going to a softball meeting but said if the meeting gets out early he would swing by to see the kids. This was at the beginning of the conversation. I tried to be nice and ask about his trip. He seemed to get all testy that I was asking him questions. Finally, I said at the end of the 5 min conversation, what should I tell the kids, will they see you. He then said, well the meeting last 2 hours, I doubt it. I said ok fine, good night. Then I haven't even heard from him. Normally he would text and say that I am not coming or something like that.

Why am I so annoyed, I should just expect this at this point. Tomorrow, he will be home for dinner. So we will get a chance to speak in person. Its just so hard.

Is there a time when I can initiate friendly texts. He always responds when I do text, which isn't that often.

[rosesarered]

Journaling:

H came home for dinner tonight. Just caught up on things going on in his life. He had lots of questions about what the kids and I have done for the past few days. He seemed really interested for some reason. Then we talked about S9's birthday coming up. Last y ear this was a sore point for us. One of his complaints about me was that I went ahead and planned a birthday party for him even though we had planned a trip to FL in June. So this year, I haven't planned anything even though S9 keeps asking for it. Tonight H was asking about it. I told H that I wasn't planning anything but that S9 really wants one. H said yes, that if S9 wants a party, that was fine with him. Wow what a difference from last year.

As for Superbowl, H also suggested inviting a few neighbors over. Which also really surprised me, I am surprised he didn't just make plans with others.

This week my GAL activities are:
Dinner with Friends tomorrow night
Facial Apt on Sat.
S8 Basketball Game
Walking with friends on Sunday

Anyway, thats my short update for tonight.