You handled that very well. You should be proud of yourself. I think he's just trying to get sympathy from you by saying he hates himself etc. Please dude you don't hate yourself you are just mad that you can't have your cake and it too anymore. If he really felt that way about himself he would do what it takes to save himself and his M. Ok I'm done ranting.
It's very good that you were calm. Just remember to remain calm when you talk to him and don't let him make you feel guilty about anything. His world is gonna crash down on him. Oh and don't stop posting you need support while going through this.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Well, today he seemed to be entertaining the idea of transparency. However, now he claims that he sees that my having access to his phone, etc will just create more problems. Like I will question something & not accept his answer & the we'll get in a huge fight. He said that just like I want to be able to trust him, he wants to be able to trust me with access. My only answer was that I need it, and we could go to the MC to discuss these "communication" issues.
I'm not backing down. Transparency, or get out. Still more on the just get out train.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula, talk about a roller coaster. Such a short period of time and so much heartache. I was feeling so good early in your thread, looked like things were going to work out, and then I just got bummed along with you as things went downhill again.
I hate how I keep seeing that the stuff with A's just doesn't seem to work out. It is good that you've gotten yourself to a place where you want to be happy no matter the outcome. It does seem like it takes that mindset to see the possibility of reconciling the R in these sitches.
Sounds like your "transparency or get out" attitude is the right one. IF he goes with transparency then I'd say do your part, trust but verify and if you have a question about something stay calm. It's all on him now, so if he goes with transparency I'd be checking everyday to start with and you calmly express that those are the terms until you, Tallula, are comfortable.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Well, today he seemed to be entertaining the idea of transparency. However, now he claims that he sees that my having access to his phone, etc will just create more problems. Like I will question something & not accept his answer & the we'll get in a huge fight. He said that just like I want to be able to trust him, he wants to be able to trust me with access. My only answer was that I need it, and we could go to the MC to discuss these "communication" issues.
I'm not backing down. Transparency, or get out. Still more on the just get out train.
T don't fall for his crap. If he wanted to be transparent he would do it and realize that yes its going to take you a very long time to trust him. Tell him he has to earn your trust because he is the one who destroyed it by lying and cheating and being a sneak. Don't you just love how he's deflecting it back to you.
He needs a dose of reality. I'm very happy you are sticking to your boundaries. Full transparency or leave and its his loss.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
He wants to go to the MC tonight to discuss the boundries I've stated and how would could navigate them, should he choose to accept them.
I'm detached. In my head he is moving out, so what can it hurt? I'm not going to budge on any of them, so we'll see.
This is probably him just trying to prolong moving out, or see what he can do without doing all of them...but I'm not going to waver. I don't even know if he agreed to all of them if I'd be ok trying. I will not tell him about the text I read, because it will give him the opportunity to just flip it back on me. JZOOM said
"IF he goes with transparency then I'd say do your part, trust but verify and if you have a question about something stay calm. It's all on him now, so if he goes with transparency I'd be checking everyday to start with and you calmly express that those are the terms until you, Tallula, are comfortable."
and I don't know if I can do this. So, I'd have some thinking to do. But, I swear I will fall out of my chair if he agrees to everything. Like, maybe have a full on heart attack
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Search your heart but from reading your thread I get the feeling you want to do this and are strong enough to stand your ground. Doing it at the MC sounds really good since there will be a 3rd party present to keep things on track.
I'd say write down your terms so that you won't forget them in the midst of everything with MC and him being there. Have you talked to MC about the terms? Could you go in alone first so that MC is on-board and can help you identify loopholes, then allow him in?
I think you're right not to bring up the text you did see, he'll then just be able to blame you for snooping and try and make everything seem like it's your fault. He will delete it and if he agrees to transparancy and you go for it you'll have to start with a clean slate. You can't bring up anything in the past, just go forward with a positive outlook.
If you go with this get the phone record and go over the numbers with him so you know who is who by number. Make a list and say for instance there is this last text you saw, he deleted it, the number is still recorded on the phone record/bill. Then you can track the record/bill for the number in case he deletes the text from her.
What I'm getting at is this. If he texts her outgoing you know he just violated his agreement with you. If she texted him incoming and he didn't respond, look at the phone. She might try to get in contact with him and he has no control over that, so he either needs to ignore the text and show you right away or respond with a "leave me alone" attitude and show you right away.
You also have to be firm on the "if it happens again there are no more chances" and stick to it. You've already gotten this far so that shouldn't be a problem. I think you can do this and if he agrees in front of the MC it's worth it IMHO. Make sure your terms include "subject to change" and always keep the mindset that he has to prove himself to you in this matter.
Hope you don't have a heart attack lol
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Well, it went badly. He walked out after 10 minutes. He didnt like hearing what the MC said when he gave her his reason to not want to give me transparecy. The drive home was ok for most of it, but then we ended up fighting when i calmly told him the 3 thngs she said to discuss regarding the S. I kept it calm for awhile & then just lost it for a minute. Threw this whole thing it is like some alien being has taken over my husband. I have no idea why these things set him off. He threw his wallet at me, so i left for the night. Unacceptable!! He has never talked to me the way he has been, and certainly never thrown something at me. When I got home the next morning, we had a very calm and frank discussion. S is going to happen. He really felt horrible and we know we can't live together. he admitted that he is very angry with me & sets me up. He doesn't know why he is getting so mad at me. Bottom line is, really for the first time in awhile I finally saw a glimpse of my old H. I said again, that we are going to be in each others lives forever & I would like to keep our R as civil as possible for our children. He said that I deserve none of this & that he is really screwed up. Lots more stuff, and it's been civil since.
We made a plan for the kids, and that we will truely be S. only discuss the kids. He had been wanting to "date", which was what had set him off at first since I thought we shouldn't. But he completely agrees that we shouldnt. I need space to get calm in my life & really move on with me, he needs space to move past his resentment & really figure out if he wants to be a faithful person.
We both feel good about the S, but are sad. I really do think that we are stuck By living together and trying to force it. It's also fun that our anniversary is this month...and I'm trying to cancel our weekend away. Ah. We also set a minimum S of 1 month. I can see him trying to come back earlier & me letting him, so we figure that a minimum is good. We have found a few month to month places. While I will miss him, the thought of being in this house on weekends without my babies is killing me. I only work 2 days a week, so we have planned that I get them Sunday-Friday evening, he'll take them Friday-Sunday. And he'll one over on Tuesday nights so I can go to a meeting.
Here we go...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
That is exactly how my S took off. Just settle in and TRY to detach. At first, you are going to HATE the loneliness you will feel in your own home. I still struggle with that, even when my D is with me. When she is not, it's flat horrible. Don't stew or let yourself fall into too much self pitty. Get out of the house and do something, anything. GAL!
Your husband will settle down and things will get easier. Both of your emotions are very raw right now. Give it a little time for your brains to start taking over again. Things are going to seem pretty irrational!!!!! Just keep up your DBing and don't budge on anything you don't find acceptable. Also, do not act on any of your emotions. I made my sitch so much worse after S by lashing out.
It is probably a really good time to start journaling. It will help you keep things in perspective.
Honestly, both of our bigger fears than fighting is that we will pull the whole "I miss you" and jump back in before we are ready. Then, when he is unwilling to comply with the boundries I've set...we'll be here again. He said this morning that each moment he thinks about being separate he knows that he loves me more than anything and doesn't see us divorcing, but in order for him to move past all this anger and sadness he needs to be with himself to work on him. I just listened. I honestly have no idea what I want. I don't want to have to D, but I don't want to be married to this person that he has become. So really, I'm actually more hopeful than I had been living in the limbo hell. Nothing was going to change, if nothing changed. He even said that when he saw all the changes I was making, he just can't get past the past and his anger.
I already have made plans for a big girls poker night at my house next saturday night. This weekend will be moving weekend, hopefully...so I do plan to keep very busy. I made a list of projects I can get done on the weekends and to start my artwork again. I know I'll be totally lonely and sad, but I do plan to make the most of this time. Work on ME!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
