Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

Phew. Lots to cover.

This is all such strange territory. I am trying so hard to break my old mindset and I can see he is too, but it is HARD. H has a habit of lashing out, getting frustrated/feeling criticized and only seeing the negative things that I do. Just as an example, we were talking about finances tonight. He said, "I have no idea why we are cash poor if we are bringing home X." I said, "I know exactly why. Did you have a chance to look at the budget I did?" He said, "No because i suck at everything." Somehow he was inferring something completely other than my face value comment. This was a good example of how things can go. Even my son, who heard the conversation, said, "She really didn't mean that Dad."

That said, I continue to have my doubts. We do have trust issues, that is for sure. Yes, I suppose his contact with this woman was not exactly appropriate. But it goes beyond that. For me, it's more about him sticking to his word, doing what he says he is going to and not doing what he says he isn't going to do. I do not think he'd go out and "cheat", especially given all that has happened, BUT I don't find him 100% reliable AND I don't trust what he says to other people about our sitch. As I have said, his truth is not my truth, and he gives a very one-sided account. He has not been discreet at all with any of it.

Communication continues to be a huge challenge. I've been very focused on it so I am sensitive to every word, whereas I'm not sure he has done much exploration on this. So we've got our work cut out for us I guess. I see us falling into much of the same old patterns on a day-to-day basis. I have a tendency to get defensive so trying to break the patterns has been tough.

With that said, I think you're in a position to have some serious talks. You could do the LL questionnaire together, or something from Gottman's book. You might also considering just having an honest conversation and ask things like "what do you think working on it should look like?" His thoughts may not look like yours.

Great idea Breakdown. I'd like to try all of those but I still don't feel 100% comfortable with him. I wish I knew why that was and how to get out of that. I don't think overwhelming him will be a problem since I also seem to be pretty skittish.

TSquared2, well I suppose there must be something in there to make him want to stick around other than just logistics, finances and children, though those are decent reasons to try. I had a dream not long ago where he said, "I still love you" or someone else told me that or something. I hadn't dreamt about him in months prior to this, so I took it to be meaningful.

So just to end on a good note, H left tonight for a 2 week trip to Europe. We drove him to the airport, gave him hugs and he said to me, "I love you." So, that's new, and somewhat encouraging, especially since we had been fighting today.