TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

I'm new on the quotations, so I'll cheat a bit.
Thanks for the reply 25!

When I see a man telling a woman (especially a woman you never deemed worthy of marrying? What was that all about? I cannot fathom not being ready to marry BUT being ready to have a child...just an aside...)...

I was a bit backwards on that point. I wanted a house and a child, THEN marriage. I know common sense might dictate marriage first, but that's how I felt at the time.

Of course I can't really speak on her behalf, but I got the impression she felt marriage/house/child would make our R dreamy. I on the other hand saw it as something wonderful BUT also something that could be strenuous on the R. I guess I was afraid she wouldn't see that part.

For me it was more that if we could get through the stresses of housebuilding and having a child we were "ready".

anyhow, telling her you were "going to have my hobbies and NOT give them up" or as you said "Stood my ground" ....really? This decision to have a child was a POWER play?

HER world got turned upside down and she gets to see you go off as if nothing else changed for you. Her body got pregnant, HER body changed dramatically and then gave birth and then did all the child care & had all the sleep deprivation, and hormonal swings,

but hey, you "stood your ground" for those hobbies, and you sound, even now, proud of that. Are you?

I'm not proud, not at all. And continuing those hobbies(risk exposed) while having a child IS selfish.
I've gone through it in my head a million times "is this justifiable?".
Stood my ground was bad phrasing. She never asked me to give them up, although the last half year she asked me to cut back. This will explain better :
She said she wanted a child NOW. I told her I wanted one as well and that I know we both have for a couple of years. I told her to give me AND HER some time to reflect upon it, and to remember my line of work and hobbies. She said it was no problem and she was ready now, but a couple of months later I told her I wanted to try.

During S2 first year I had 13 weeks of from work, and all through I've changed diapers, fed him, bathed him, got up in the middle of night during working days etc etc(I know this is merely what is to be expected) I didn't just kick back and do nothing, but I could have done a lot more.
My hobbies are weather-dependent and I do them about once a week, sometimes there is weeks even months with nothing. Last year I had 3 active weeks in total. I took time of from work to attend doctor/check ups/appointments etc. BUT b/c of my insane work schedule, all this^^^is ..well..barely minimum of what I should have done. And b/c of MY insane work schedule I'M the one who should have sacrifised more.
I thought, like several other men I've seen on these boards, I was "providing" for the family.

what do YOU mean when you say you've "always been a bad listener"? That's not a small trait to work on my friend. Work on it....

you can take communication classes that work on this. Or attend a personal growth workshop called 'Essential Experience" (check their website) which works a ton on HOW to listen better (and a ton of individual issues too. It usually helps R's a lot but keeps the focus only on the person attending, NOT the spouse).

What had her upset most often was IE the fact that she could say in casual conversation her plans for day X, and next day I might ask what she was doing for day X. So mostly that I always forgot date/times/schedules she had.

But of course, I know I have a lot of work to do in listening. Especially on feelings. Had I lived even remotely close to the area, EE would be really interesting. I guess for now I'll check what similar workshops I might find in my own area/country.

and you gave her YOUR opinion on the "value" of her proposal. Don't. Just LISTEN to her and let her work things out so she sees that you are LISTENING and not judging or advising and NOT risking the whole patronizing appearance.

Ugh. It seems so obvious in hindsight. I really hope to get better on this.

you have been what? "Patronizing" IN the R too? And you "Shared little economy" means what? You say you bought an apartment without her? Do you mean the HOME you were to live in? IF SO, that's huge. She probably felt ignored and devalued then. Plus you stole a wonderful opportunity from her.

You two could have gone house hunting together. IT's a wonderful bonding experience you denied her. Why? IF it's a control thing, admit it. See how you robbed her AND YOU of a wonderful memory.

And whatever was "wrong" with the place probably got held against you since it was forced upon her. Make sense?

I bought an appartment when we were quite young. She didn't have any income, so it was never an option to buy together. I'll admit though it felt safer buying alone.
HOWEVER, at some point she said she didn't like it and didn't feel like we should live there. I thought she was being picky as it was a newly built apartment and I would loose a lot of money if I backed out.
SO, yes, I disregarded her wish. For several years.
And I'm ashamed of that, I really am.

I finally put it out for sale, and we went as a family(all 3) to several housebuilders in search of a house we could build and call our own. We did the paperwork, but the officials stalled for over a year and there was a lot of frustration. Again her income was small. She resented being dependent on me. Before we started building BD came tumbling down over my head.

The last part of your quote makes total sense! Strong point for sure.

The aquarium sounds fun with S, but it's NOT GAL in my book. What are YOU doing to GAL?

About GAL. Time with S is time with S and will not be comprimised by my hobbies.
I've been sick a lot the last months so GAL has been disappointing, but I've started working out again, being more social, INITIATING more social activities which is something I didn't do much. New activities I want to try is solo vacation out of country, rock climbing, flying lessons, fishing, hikes in some higher mountains(for the sake of hiking). I'm also open to other social activities as well as my current hobbies.

However wanting to do is one thing, and means nothing before I go for it. I'm looking forward big time to getting my strenght back and getting out there!