GTO, Labug is right.

"I felt AWFUL that I let my emotions about H get involved when interacting w my boys. I feel like I let myself down , as well as them."

I can assure you that this happens to all of us. It's normal in our sitches; we are all under immense stress.

You are ahead of the pack in being able to recognise that you might do things differently. And you have a strong support network here.

Keep posting and try to be kind to yourself; you are doing OK.