W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[adinva]

The solution is to work on improving yourself. There is no way you are the best person you know how to be yet.

That's not the solution you want to hear, sorry, but it is the only solution, and that's why people here keep telling you the same thing over and over.

[SM34]

Advina welcome back to my thread! Missed you =)

Yes I am not the best I can be yet. Still working on all of my 180s and they are definitely not second nature yet.

GAL is going ok. I am going out to play pool or bowling tonight with the guys from work.

My problem, or difficulty, is with how to be when around my wife at home. I have been told to treat her like a roommate. But she said I was not giving her what she needed 'emotionally' so how do I show her I can do that if it's going to be too much attention? Or as AnotherStander said, is it not even time for that now?

Maybe leo is right. I am being too uptight about things. I should just relax and enjoy my time, live life, and hope she sees it at some point.

How do you think I should treat my W at this point? She is very nice to me, but I do sometimes notice the torment and frustration she is having with her decision.

This is all so confusing. Why doesn't a WAW come with a manual??

[leopoldstotch]

Right now she doesn't want you to be there emotionally for her and why would you when is having an A? Just be calm cool and collected around her. Treat her like she's just a friend or co-worker because quite frankly that's all she really is right now. Reread Michelle's books.DETACH.

[25yearsmlc]

Advina welcome back to my thread! Missed you =)

Yes I am not the best I can be yet. Still working on all of my 180s and they are definitely not second nature yet.

GAL is going ok. I am going out to play pool or bowling tonight with the guys from work.

Good. And JOIN something so you meet NEW people. This is a MUST DO.


My problem, or difficulty, is with how to be when around my wife at home.


YES WE KNOW. We all had the same problem SM. Your situation is NOT unique. Detach.

I've posted to you about it before, more than once.

Stop caring what SHE is thinking/doing/planning and make it about YOUR plans.

Do not attach your happiness or mood to what she is doing/planning or saying.

Get a sitter if she can't watch your d. GAL so SHE wonders what you are up to.

Let her believe your old self is back, only better.

And STOP the focus on OM. It's absurd how frequently you analyze him (and you don't know him.)

You tell yourself bad things about OM so you can tell yourself she'll return. Notice how that lets YOU off the hook of change?

He's attracted to her and he makes her feel desirable. That isn't ALL about "being new". You were too busy and into your business to meet that need.

By joining new groups or taking a class, you'll GAL and you'll also look as if making money is not the only priority in your life. Let her wonder about how the "vitamins" are working.

AND DO NOT provide any funds for her to see him.

If he's so into her, then let him pay to see her & THEN they'll meet up so if he is SO into her, let HIM find a way to see her.

But YOU giving her the money is crazy. [b]That's a huge sign of weakness and weakness is NOT attractive. It's as if you don't mind OM doing your w. How "attractive" do you think she finds that trait? You're being so conflict avoidant & fearful of her anger, that you are coming off as a doormat, and that's not sexy.
[/b]

I have been told to treat her like a roommate. But she said I was not giving her what she needed 'emotionally' so how do I show her I can do that if it's going to be too much attention? Or as AnotherStander said, is it not even time for that now?


well, SHE WANTS to just be roomates with you FOR NOW. She seems to want Nothing physical. Although she does ask you about the vitamins...

She wants you to help raise your d, & pay the bills (so I guess you're A GREAT roomate) and what does she do? She cooks dinners, and cleans up? Is that about it?

So you have to show her a few changes, by getting in great shape, working out and jogging so next time she's around with you and D3 (ask her to watch D so you can "go for a run") and

always LOOK YOUR BEST as if you might be "on the market soon", b/c guess what? You might well be on the market soon! SHE does not have to hear you say "OH I WON'T EVER DIVORCE"...that cannot be a position you announce anymore.

That does not help you stay married. I'm Catholic. But I made it clear to my h that I'd file for divorce before I'd live a celebate life forever or live 3000 miles apart indefinitely. And I did file for a sep so he couldn't mortgage the house "to invest" with his heroes. Thank God I did that too. Or we'd have lost everything as his MLC cost us a fortune.



Maybe leo is right. I am being too uptight about things. I should just relax and enjoy my time, live life, and hope she sees it at some point.


YES^^^....

How do you think I should treat my W at this point? She is very nice to me, but I do sometimes notice the torment and frustration she is having with her decision.

Explain that comment "She is very nice to me". I don't know what you mean.

This is all so confusing. Why doesn't a WAW come with a manual??

B/C every WAW is different and the idea that a manual would answer your questions, is an obstacle to YOUR progress.

[SM34]

thanks 25! You are right, I need to exercise badly. She has taken interest in my vitamins TWICE since BD. I shave EVERY day now, clean smooth face. I smell nice all the time.

So, even though I think these questions are EXTREMELY unlikely, what should the answer to these be? Or more accurately, how should they be phrased?

1) as far as the money for trip to OM "Hey can I have some money in case something happens?" Answer?

2) As far as the Divorce "Hey when are we going to file for the divorce?" I DOUBT THIS QUESTION GRATELY because if she was 100% sure the first day or two after BD, she is certainly not sure now. The more I back off, the more she engages. Right now she has sent me 3 pictures of D3, one at the part, one in the car on the way home, and one in our living room. Each picture message has a series of messages inbetween that are littered with smiley faces and LOLs.

Last time she went to OM was last Tuesday. It is saturday, and she asked me what we are doing tomorrow with D3. so, I am assuming she will not go until either Monday or Tuesday making this the longest stretch since the start. Not reading into it, just an observation.

[SM34]

Oh and when I say I need to exercise badly, its not that I have a ton of weight to lose....well not anymore! BD took care of most of that. But i need to tone up and bulk up and have the sexy arms that I used to. =)

[SM34]

AnotherStander, you will be so proud of me! I have been reading a lot of your posts to people about how to listen to your W, hear her problem or emotion, validate, ask how bad it is, and then revalidate with a "you have the right ..."

I JUST DID THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH MY W VIA TEXT!!

She said at the park, D3 was pushed by a little boy and she fell backwards badly and started srying. W went over to see D3 and the boy's mom didn't move from off the park bench or say anything to her son for what he had just done.

My wife said "I am so mad! God I wanted to smack that lady!"

I said "Wow, you sound very angry. How angry are you?"

She said "Very angry! I can't believe the mom didn't do anything. Is that what you teach boys these days?

I told her "I total see, you have every right to be mad. There was no need for that"

She said "I know! Parents should teach their boys to respect girls

I said "You are absolutely right. When I was young we were taught to be more respectful than that. Was D3 crying long?"

She said "Well, D3 wasn't so mad, I was mpore pissed than she was! LOL"

This conversation would have been COMPLETELY different and much MUCH shorter before I read your tip OVER AND OVER on everyone's threads.

It would be as follows:

"Some little boy pushed D3 at the park! She fell over backwards and started crying! I was so mad!"

Me: "You should have said something to his mom. Thats not nice" <-- no validation of the emotion. .. And offering a solution instead of listening to the emotion and validating is NOT what women want!

I am learning so much on these forums. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU! I wish I would have come here before BD. Probably would have been in a much better place.

they should really teach these things in school. Imagine our divorce rate if there was a "Understand your W 101" class =)

[25yearsmlc]

thanks 25! You are right, I need to exercise badly. She has taken interest in my vitamins TWICE since BD. I shave EVERY day now, clean smooth face. I smell nice all the time.

So, even though I think these questions are EXTREMELY unlikely, what should the answer to these be? Or more accurately, how should they be phrased?

1) as far as the money for trip to OM "Hey can I have some money in case something happens?" Answer?

AT MOST (and b/c you seem to like to say A LOT, say this)--and act surprised too--

"You're kidding, right? You're NOT actually asking ME for money to cheat on me with, AGAIN, are you? B/C That CAN'T be MY job to provide. So, no."

Be calm, firm and taken aback. End the topic as if it deserves no more of your time. (The nerve & sheer absurdity of her request must not be overlooked).




2) As far as the Divorce "Hey when are we going to file for the divorce?"

who is asking whom this^^^ question? Do NOT let it be YOU asking or pushing. She's not nearly ready to say "I choose You" if you give her an ultimatum.




I DOUBT THIS QUESTION GRATELY because if she was 100% sure the first day or two after BD, she is certainly not sure now. The more I back off, the more she engages.

then learn something from this^^



Right now she has sent me 3 pictures of D3, one at the part, one in the car on the way home, and one in our living room. Each picture message has a series of messages inbetween that are littered with smiley faces and LOLs.

Last time she went to OM was last Tuesday. It is saturday, and she asked me what we are doing tomorrow with D3. so, I am assuming she will not go until either Monday or Tuesday making this the longest stretch since the start. Not reading into it, just an observation.

maybe he's busy. Maybe he's not. Don't read into it, but accept that it's better than the alternative.

Do the 180s and do them WITHOUT staring at her for her reaction. The changes are so YOU can become the man YOU want to become.

[AnotherStander]

1) as far as the money for trip to OM "Hey can I have some money in case something happens?" Answer?

"No". If she asks why tell her you are done funding her trips to go participate in adultery. Don't be mean or angry, just matter-of-fact. EDIT TO ADD- just read 25's suggestion and I like hers more

2) As far as the Divorce "Hey when are we going to file for the divorce?"

Don't ever bring it up yourself. If she brings it up then tell her "It's not what I want, but if you want to pursue it then that's your prerogative." But don't offer to help with it or do anything to move it along. Many WAS's will talk about D, but when it comes to actually filling out and submitting the paperwork they back down. Not always, but often.

The more I back off, the more she engages.

Yep, that's usually how DB'ing works Just be careful not to go into pursuit mode, that'll drive her away again. Let her engage, just maintain some distance. Don't be cold or indifferent, just don't pursue.

AnotherStander, you will be so proud of me!

You're right, I am proud of you That was textbook validation, nice work!

[SM34]

hi everyone! Have my first telephone coaching session tomorrow morning with Laurie. Any tips?

What should I have ready? What should I ask?

thanks