nail, She is emotionally blackmailing YOU! Again you have 50/50 rights to the kids so they would still be in their home with YOU! Also, wouldn't an attorney interpret your leaving as abandoning the family home???
I know a couple where the W wants the D,not the H. He has refused to leave and so has she. They also have 2 children. His attorney advised him NOT TO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES leave the family HOME!
I'm not an attorney, so I'm just giving second hand information. See what your L says.
So sorry you are having to deal w the stress of your W's decisions. Please don't cave just b/c you think it might work to your R's benefit-it won't. Maybe for a little while it will give your W peace, but ultimately she may continue to walk all over you in other ways and not respect you as much for caving to her demands. I don't know, just food for thought.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I understand the whole DB approach, but I have some questions/conflicts with it.
If you try to do the LRT and after several months go by there is no change in your R, except that your w is now threatening to move out and serve you with a D because you didn't move out, isn't it time to accept that she's made up her mind and there's nothing you can do to change it?
I wonder what the options are here,
do I make an appointment for mediation, get all my legal ducks in order, move out and co-parent separated continuing to DB hoping for her to come around. (this would make her happy because it's what she wants)
or
do I continue to stay in the house, let her move out if she want to, and our R goes further south, she probably would serve me with D papers soon after she moved out.
or are there any other options?
She is totally done with me, she feels no love for me, she doesn't kiss me, we have not slept together or ML in 6 months, she just wants me out of her life and she wants to move on. All the fighting for our M I've done has not helped at all. She will not read anything I ask her to, she will not respond to any talk of R, she only responds to me talking about mediation,separation,and D.
I just don't know how to turn this around. She's done and has been for a long time. She's detached and unemotional with me.
Anyone got any ideas?
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Man, you are asking the questions the wrong way, that is why you are not seeing a solution. The question is not what she wants and how she will react. You need to do what YOU think is best for YOU and YOUR kids. Not what you think you need to do so that she reacts the best way for you.
Originally Posted By: nailinthecoffin
... your w is now threatening to move out and serve you with a D because you didn't move out, isn't it time to accept that she's made up her mind and there's nothing you can do to change it?
You really cannot do anything to do to change your wife's mind. That does not mean that you do what she tells you to. She is threatening, this is her problem. She has been threatening since when? I have been following your topic for a while. She has been threatening for a while. But has not left. What she does is her problem, not yours. If she threatens to take the kids with her - this is something you need to discuss IMMEDIATELY with your L. BTW your L is telling you not to move out. You pay him money, listen to him or get a second and third opinion.
Originally Posted By: nailinthecoffin
do I make an appointment for mediation, get all my legal ducks in order, move out and co-parent separated continuing to DB hoping for her to come around. (this would make her happy because it's what she wants)
Do you want a divorce? Why do you want mediation? You need mediation when you want divorce.
Get all your legal ducks in order for sure. Be prepared! But don't do anything.
Don't do anything to get a reaction from your W. Nothing you do now will make her happy. You winning $250,000,000 from the lottery and giving it all to her, will not make her happy. So, do not chose your actions based on what she will think about it.
So, stay home. Don't talk to her unless you have to, be nice to her when you do talk to her, and take care of your kids and yourself.
Originally Posted By: nailinthecoffin
She is totally done with me, she feels no love for me, she doesn't kiss me, we have not slept together or ML in 6 months, she just wants me out of her life and she wants to move on. All the fighting for our M I've done has not helped at all. She will not read anything I ask her to, she will not respond to any talk of R, she only responds to me talking about mediation,separation,and D.
She is done with you - that is fine. This may change or not change. This is none of your business though. So do not even think about it (as much as possible). Act as if you are happy that she does what she thinks is best for her.
Stop asking her to read stuff to do stuff! Don't talk about R at all!!! Let her be. And maybe she will never leave the house.
do I make an appointment for mediation, get all my legal ducks in order, move out and co-parent separated continuing to DB hoping for her to come around. (this would make her happy because it's what she wants)
It won't make her happy no matter what she says to the contrary.
Quote:
do I continue to stay in the house, let her move out if she want to, and our R goes further south, she probably would serve me with D papers soon after she moved out.
Frankly I'm surprised you're even asking this. Many of us have told you over and over again not to move out. Your L told you not to move out. Are you going to keep asking this hoping that someone will eventually tell you what you want to hear? You've heard the advice on this already. It's your decision now.
Quote:
She is totally done with me, she feels no love for me, she doesn't kiss me, we have not slept together or ML in 6 months, she just wants me out of her life and she wants to move on.
Yeah, same as my sitch. W didn't start coming out of the fog until after the 6 month mark. Sometimes it takes much longer.
Quote:
All the fighting for our M I've done has not helped at all.
If you're fighting for your M then you're not DB'ing. DB'ing is all about letting go of the fight and turning the focus on yourself.
Quote:
She will not read anything I ask her to, she will not respond to any talk of R, she only responds to me talking about mediation,separation,and D.
In DB'ing you do not EVER ask your W to read anything related to saving M's. And what do you mean she won't respond to talk of R, are you doing this too?? These are both forms of pressure and are to be avoided.
One thing I was reading which may help you is the concept of being "empathetic yet decisive."
This means you say to your W, "W, I understand your feelings about wanting me to move out. I understand that is your preference. However, I feel very strongly about this. I am sorry, but I am not moving out."
You cannot be the disease and the doctor at the same time.
My H was all over me for moving back into my house after he had banished me for 3 months. Just before my kids went back to school in the fall, largely thanks to the encouragement of the wonderful people here, I moved back in. H was pissed. That is how I ended up sleeping in the den for 4 months. He would always say to me, "If you had any respect for my feelings, you wouldn't have moved back in." I just wish I had had something in my toolbox to say back to him.
You have every right to be in your home. Let her move out. See if she really does it. My H threatened and threatened and threatened and when push came to shove, he decided he'd rather R than move out. To paraphrase Mr. Bond, and no offense intended, grow a pair and tell her if she wants to split up so badly, there's nothing you can do to stop her from leaving.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
One thing I left out was that my DB coach was actually telling me to drop the rope, i.e., go along with moving out, agree with w and actually do it so that we could find one thing to agree upon together, to be on the same page about. She was saying I should emphasize a "collaborative effort". She thought this has got to happen to preserve the ability to be good co-parents.
She also suggested a "nesting" situation, where we rent an apt and take turns staying in it so that the kids never have to leave the house.
I dunno, all of you make sense. I love my w, but this has been taking a toll on all of us and it's so strange living in the house together without love. I'm sure my kids feel it and wonder by now why daddy and mommy don't sleep together.
I made a few big mistakes last fall by being too emotional, but now I think I'am a little better and so far this month the worst mistake I made was to let out a few little jabs. (I know how bad they are Regretful and I won't do that again either)
Maybe if I stay in the house and continue to DB, things may change over time.
My worry is that my very stubborn w who seems to have made up her mind a long time ago and is determined and set to get her way, will not change her mind.
No use worrying about something I have no power over. My guess is she will move out if I don't.
I guess my big question now is, How do I stay in the house and still "drop the rope", so that she and I aren't in a tug of war.?
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Thanks Aventinus, makes sense. I need a few 2x4's every once in a while. I'll focus on myself and kids.
Sorry if I am being nasty. The first second I read your post, I thought "Jeez, I did not mean this to be a 2x4". The truth is I did, though. Not to make you feel bad, but to make you think about your actions and thoughts.
That said, I want to emphasize something very strongly. Do not be harsh to yourself. Stay away from thoughts like "How could I do this??!?!", "This is the final nail in the coffin" and so on. Understand one thing. No one single action (with the exception on assault, murder and attempted murder) will get you divorce, just as no one single action will get you two back together. Both the disintegration and the rebuilding of a M are long processes.
You are probably discouraged by the fact that rebuilding your M will take a long time. But this also works for you, because even now, when your W wants D, a small slip up will not be fatal by itself. Your goal should be not to be perfect, but to improve, and learn from your actions. Use your errors as feedback material, nothing more. Say, if you make a sarcastic remark, and your Wife moves out of the house, it was not the remark that made her do it. That was just a pretext. But whatever her reaction, you should note your error and make sure you do your best you do not repeat it (or at least repeat it less often for the time being).
I have been in a similar sitch for 3+ years now, and I will tell you that the mistakes I made back then that made me feel sick, now seem distant and unimportant. I have learned from them and I do not need them anymore... So, do not worry too much. I know how impossible this seems but if you stick to it, it will eventually become possible.
