Yes. Stop trying to figure out what's in her head. Start living your life and while you can show concern, you certainly shouldn't try to control the situation.
Many of us got good at this type of thinking where we could make statements such as this. I definately did not have the perspective before going through a WAS situation and attempting some of the DB principles.
I have no idea what was going through her head and was a bit surprised because she has seemed very happy and content with her decision to divorce.
Any thoughts?
I think this is the 3rd or 4th time I've posted this today, but the WAS is NOT happy and content even though they may appear that way on the outside. They are hurting, confused and in pain. It is going to take them months to heal and come out of the fog and there is nothing you can do to speed it up. My W always appeared happy, content and in control, it wasn't until this weekend that I found out she's been crying constantly in the 4-1/2 months we've been S. She did it privately, and when around me and/ or the kids put on a happy face.
Just something that has been on my mind and would like some opinions. My wife has been spending considerable time with a male coworker (which started before the divorce bomb). I would just automatically assume this was an all out affair, but my wife and I have always assumed he was a closeted gay man.
Of course it is possible we were wrong about the gay thing and they are indeed sleeping together. But what if he is indeed gay? Can a woman have an emotional affair with a gay man?
A female friend once told me she likes gay men, they are so soft and understanding. Who knows - the coworker could have a coming out from the coming out. Would it change anything? In the post before you wrote you understand you ought to stop mindreading. The same applies here. It's best to focus on yourself and GAL. Let W do what she feels like doing.
Thanks longrun, like I said not mindreading is easier said than done.
There are other reasons that I would like to know if it is an affair though. In my sitch, there were some red flags, but there could also be another explanation (for instance that he may be gay). Not knowing either way is the worst part.
When I first suspected I was pretty sure in my mind that it was an affair. I was very angry but also focused and at peace with it. I actually met with the meanest divorce lawyer around and was ready to fight her for every asset. Since then I have looked at it a bit more rationally and now I'm not so sure what is happening making it even harder to deal with. The best financial move would be for me to fight her in this divorce. I have a few cards that I can play and if I knew with relative certainty that she was cheating then I would have no issue fighting her. However, if she is just tired of me and has respected our marriage vows, I would be more likely to have a collaborative divorce (which would likely leave me with less).
Of course it is possible we were wrong about the gay thing and they are indeed sleeping together. But what if he is indeed gay? Can a woman have an emotional affair with a gay man?
Sure, but I'd say it's more likely that if he's really gay then he's probably an "enabler". Enablers are the people that WAS's surround themselves with that tell them what they want to hear. "You've been through so much!" "You deserve better!" "You will be so much happier without him!" "You've lived for him along enough, it's time to make this about YOU!" That kind of crap.
[/quote] Sure, but I'd say it's more likely that if he's really gay then he's probably an "enabler". Enablers are the people that WAS's surround themselves with that tell them what they want to hear. "You've been through so much!" "You deserve better!" "You will be so much happier without him!" "You've lived for him along enough, it's time to make this about YOU!" That kind of crap. [/quote]
Yep this is what my WAW has done. In my sitch my W has recruited members of my family who invite her everywhere! Trust no one.
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Of course it is possible we were wrong about the gay thing and they are indeed sleeping together. But what if he is indeed gay? Can a woman have an emotional affair with a gay man?
Sure, but I'd say it's more likely that if he's really gay then he's probably an "enabler". Enablers are the people that WAS's surround themselves with that tell them what they want to hear. "You've been through so much!" "You deserve better!" "You will be so much happier without him!" "You've lived for him along enough, it's time to make this about YOU!" That kind of crap.
"Just do what makes you happy" is one. Usually following a life altering or risky decision.
Hi everyone. I posted something similar on a another thread a while back, but this seems like a better place to continue the discussion.
I spoke with my lawyer yesterday. In my state I have two years to settle this divorce and make it final if I don't want the divorce. But my W wants to have everything negotiated and final in 90 days. My lawyer said I can use her wishes to my advantage in negotiations. Basically tell my W that I don't want the divorce (which is true), but offer her a settlement which is very favourable to me if she really wants it in 90 days. I don't really feel immoral doing this as it truly is my wish to wait two years and see if she has a change of heart.
I'm leaning towards using this tactic. Would I be ruining any slim chance of reconciliation with this course of action? Or would she respect me standing up for myself at some level?
