One goal I always had was to never have my kids be from a broken home and never have them feel unloved by their dad like I did. I now have serious doubts I can accomplish my first goal and realize it's not solely in my control. Since the second one is in my control I have no doubt I'll accomplish that one and be the best father I can be for my kids. I can't let any of my issues rub off on them so now I'll work doubly hard on myself since they are obviously still tucked away deep inside.
Did you know, that the Human mind is incapable of distinguishing the difference between DO and DON'T ???
We may think about the difference, yet when it is calculated inside of our noggin, there is no distinction between the two.
Look at it this way, imagine yourself standing on the 17th tee at TPC Sawgrass (google it to see it), and as you prepare to hit the ball, you keep telling yourself..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
Don't hit it in the water..
What your mind interprets is...
Hit it in the water....
Hit it in the water....
Because the mind doesn't distinguish the "don't" in the beginning..
If one approaches the Tee with that mindset, the chances of landing your shot in the drink, are much greater than hitting the green.
So how should one approach the shot ?
A simple change in the perception of the language.
Hit the green...
Hit the green...
Hit the green...
The same applies to what we value in our own lives. I was much the same as you, I came from a broken home, and I made a vow to myself that I would NEVER do that to my children.
What happened was, that saying "Don't let the Marriage fail" over and over, was much like saying, don't hit it in the water. It became a goal that I was actually working toward, instead of working away from it.
I was conscious that it could happen ( the marriage failing), yet I focused so much on stopping it from happening , that I became a person that I never imagined that I could be, or ever wanted to be. I was clingy, controlling, manipulative, co-dependent , and I don't blame my EX for wanting a life without that...not me, mind you.... that ^^^
And I can't say that I blame her for not wanting a relationship like that. I know that I wouldn't want that for myself. What started as her not wanting that^^, became that I was the person associated with that behavior , and the behavior and I became forever linked together in her mind.
Think about how your thoughts become goals for behavior, and try to imagine how your actions were driven by your fears of failing the marriage. Recognize those thought patterns , and dig deep into yourself to kill the patterns of stinkin thinkin.
This is the time for YOU to figure those things out, and really change those things within yourself. It is easy to see the obvious things within our behaviors that lead us here. The hard work starts, when we think we are done. The hard work is the most gratifying work of our lives, and pays the greatest dividends....
You have already seen the power of acting "as if" , and pulling a 180. And you did that, not for her, but because YOU wanted to act differently. How did that feel to you ? For you ?
Start living your life in that mindset, because in the end, YOU are the one you have to live with....
