Hi All, I needed to create new thread. I hope the link at the top to the previous thread works. Thanks RLA, Bug, Ruby et al. Yep, things have increased litigation wise this afternoon. After explaining to my ‘banker’ W Wednesday night to her complete disagreement that the mortgage will be in default by Feb 1 if not renewed. I guess she actually looked into it and found my statement to be true. She should have known this as a banker and mortgage expert for 25 years. She is making all kinds of financial mistakes. She is out of it. I did her a favour by not letting it default and getting into credit problem. Anyway, new legal letter has been sent from her lawyer to clarify this and to renew temporarily at a higher rate until all is settled. Her aim is to have me out by Feb 25. My kids are distraught. I cannot allow this to happen. She does not realize it takes much longer than this to litigate such action. All financials have to be disclosed. I feel sad but strong today. I am sure that will change. Yes, I have had a L since Oct. and he is not going to put up with this either.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Floyd, I'm sorry this has taken a turn for the worst. Hang in there.
That said, I will echo some of the other comments here....too much mindreading on your side. You have no idea what W thinks, feels, thought, did, etc. It's a mind trap so don't even allow yourself to go down that path.
Also, I sense a lot of anger here. I know the sitch is tough...but try to find some calmness. You can't control W and she can't control you. She is going to do what she wants and you are going to do the same...accept it and don't feed into the negativity.
Clearly W is unsure if she's doing the right thing...she just knows she wants it to be different. Every negative behavior you show now is just going to show her how right she is to leave. Be strong, be calm, be nice...and do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family. There doesn't have to be anger in it.
Thanks BD. What is it that makes you think she is unsure if she is doing the right thing? I am not as angry today, except for her treatment again of d10 last night and again this morning.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
My 180's clearly did not work. She seemed to get angrier and more vindictive. So, I backslide and made coffee, left her a nice full hot cup prepared and she rejected it, poured it out and made her own. Yet, the night before she prepared ice cream treats for the 4 of us including me. She will go to Starbucks or Tim Hortons and ask the girls right in front of me if they want something then turn away from me and ignore me. The other night i did pipe in and say i would love a hot chocolate, she ignored me in front of them and did not get me one. She did my laundry and folded it yet i have asked her not to and keeps claiming since the summer she never will. I have been sick and asked her to put out the garbage for the first time in 17 years and she just looked at me and said "no way!". This after I cleaned the kitchen but did not want to go out in the -15c weather having a bad cold. Yet she plans on taking over the home in 4 weeks? Time for me to not do anything? BD, what makes you believe she is unsure if she is doing the right thing? As far as detaching, she has got it down to a fine art. She is cold, though I believe her indifference is feigned. She definitely is emotional, in an angry and spiteful way. Very, very passive-aggressive.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Thanks Bug, I agree. That's why I think this whole thing should be fixed and healed.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Floyd, it seems to me there's too many emotions on both sides, especially hers. You can't really know what she's thinking, but I will say it's common for the WAS to see our changes and then get PO'd because we waited til now, or it seems so easy for us now, or whatever. It's likely that every time you are nice to her, or she sees your 180s, she simply gets pissed about it and lashes out to try to find the old Floyd in there.
Go back and read the article on how to lovingly detach. You need to get out of her head and start focusing on you. You are driving yourself crazy with all this.
She's pushing your buttons a LOT...and you are letting her. Get away from it. Do what you want to do for you and the kids.
I agree with labug: "Do things because you want to do them, because it's who you are not because you think it will make her like you."
The next few weeks will bring a lot of challenges, so stay centered and write on this board anytime anger or negative feelings come to you.
About the garbage, if you don't feel well, don't take it out. Tell her that you don't feel good and leave it as that. There's a lot of anger coming from her, so detachment is key for you now.
I do them because I do want to. Things I have done for 17 years. For 17 years I have brought her a fresh cup of coffee, usually to the room to wake her up with or one for the road. She always loved that. I was cleaning out some drawers and I assume this type of thing will happen a lot over the next while, as I came across some gift cards given to me over the years. She always would write specific messages in them. This one was from 2004 telling me how proud she was to be my wife and how much she loves her family and that she loved me so much and to keep my promise to look after myself since my near death health problem a couple years before that in 2001. She did save my life back then and dealt with me in the hospital for several months as d14 was only 2 at the time. I must say, I did for a while but did not live up to that promise. I am very healthy now, but was not looking after myself from 2007 - 2011. I was working hard, making great money, lost a major account and worked another back to make it up within a year, the stress, the coaching, her spending habits, fathering, domestic duties etc etc created bad eating and other unhealthy habits and the stress showed. i wanted to change jobs as i hated mine but money was so good and she liked spending it. Still does. I did what i thought best for everyone. The strain I am sure showed in ways I did not realize. I lost myself and was not the guy she knew.... a silly goofball, handsome dude, and not using my brain anymore.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Okay, a handsome goofball dude who can take care of himself first is so very attractive. Why would I be interested I someone who could not care enough to care about himself?
The coffee thing? Let it go. She is pointedly showing you that this behaviour, an indication of who you were, is not what she wants. Start showing her who you can be.
If she doesn't want to take garbage out, okay. The garbage police going to come and rescind garbage privileges?
I realize these things build and trust me, I am not minimizing, but I agree in that you must start doing things that make you and only you feel good. It does not feel good to make a cup of coffee then watch her throw it out. It does not feel good to be ignored. So do not put yourself in these situations.
I realize I can take my own advice, so I will, lol! But how about we do this together ?;)
