Accuray, I know that OW meant a lot to H because he loved the sharing of common interests (sci-fi, music) and someone thinking he was fun, funny, interesting and smart (all true, but I had been too bogged down with resentment, caring for my two young sons and my dying mother to see this or affirm this for him.) H told OW that his wife didn't allow him to have friends so he wasn't going to tell me about their friendship because I would get upset.
I have encouraged him to have friends, but he blames me for not having any, says that when I set up outings, double dates, suggest he join some of my friends' husbands for a drink--that I am saying that H can only be friends with the people I sanction. Not true. I am trying to make it easier for him--and these are people he genuinely likes. In the past I have wondered why he has lost touch with his college buddies and he said that I wouldn't let him be friends with them. We recently had a talk about this and it seems that I must have said that I don't like one-sided relationships, and I would let a friendship of mine fade away if the other person didn't reciprocate....and H took that to mean that I was saying HE shouldn't be friends with someone who didn't reciprocate. I think we cleared that up.
H has a very low need for socialization in general. More of an independent lone wolf homebody person. Yet he misses the easy friendships of college (20+ years ago!) It is harder to make friends he says, at work or in our suburban neighborhood. He says he doesn't even know how to go about it anymore.
I don't think he is in love with her, but I do think he Loved the relationship very much. H said he liked it because she lived 1000 miles away and he could keep things light and fun. She is married with 3 teenage sons, her H knew about their friendship. She worried at the beginning that H was "stalking" her, and also pouted asking him something like--"why am I not good enough to let your wife know about me?". She misses him a lot, too. H showed me the last email where she apologized and hoped she hadn't burnt any bridges, that she missed his friendship and being able to share funny stories with him.
Thank you for the book recommendations and your insight. VERY much appreciated.
Right now my main motivation to save this marriage is because we have two young sons 4 and 8, and I don't want to break up our family. I also love my husband and he is very good natured, easy to be around, smart, funny, and generally a very nice person. Even right now he is never mean spirited, never rude or unfair. Just deeply confused and hurt and tired of "being a doormat".
