After a couple of weeks of emotional hell, I snapped out of something and really started thinking about all this and myself. I started going for a walk alone, going to Starbucks alone, going shopping alone, taking Christmas pictures for my friends, working with animal rescue group etc. While spending lots of time to myself, I was able to really understand what he really wanted to tell me and what I chose to ignore in this relationship.
OK, well all this sounds really good!
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For the past 2 months, I really focused on changing myself. I think twice before I judge someone or something, before I say I don’t like something etc. Doing this has really helped me become calmer person. I was an extremely negative person before BD. I would even tell my H that I like to think everything negatively so if things don’t turn out the way I want, I wouldn’t be too disappointed.
I can relate, I was like this as well. It sounds like you're doing a good job of 180's though. Just understand that it takes months of 180's before your spouse will believe they're not just done as tricks to get him back. Stick with them.
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and I solely counted on my H for emotional support. Poor H, it was just too much for him.
If you want another book for your list, check out Codependent No More. I think you'll know why I'm suggesting it just by reading the title.
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He said it’s taking a toll on him by living like this, he felt distancing himself would help reinforce with me his feelings that he knows he’s doing the best thing for him and he’ll move out pretty soon.
Sometimes separation is needed for the real healing to begin.
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How can I be loving and still encourage him to move out?
It's his decision to make. Don't encourage or discourage him, just tell him you support him in whatever decision he makes, that you want him to be happy. If you've read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" this is what he refers to as opening the cage door. Your H feels trapped, so you want him to know he's free to go if he chooses.
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Should I not even say something like "How is the apartment seach going?" The last time we talked I told him to just let me know the availability of an apt he finds and we'll work out budget.
It's OK to ask. You don't want to apply pressure, but things like this are just info, not really pressure. I asked W for an update now and then just so I'd know when she was leaving.
