Rinse, repeat, replay

[Raine]

nero, that has been extremely difficult. Having this forum sure helps, because I'm not disclosing it to friends either. This goes against my core personality, but my core personality is taking a beating, and it sure is changing--I believe for the better.

I have always been a very impulsive person. H will surely think he is getting away with all of this, because this has not been my nature at all. I now take time to really think about things and let them cool. Nothing will be lost by waiting days or weeks or months. That moment to go ballistic will always be there if I choose to take it, but once I do, I no longer have a choice. I like that the choices are mine. I am in control. He may be out there destroying all the love and trust I have for him, but I am the one who still has the choice of the reaction. And yes it hurts like hell that we "saved" ourselves for each other, and he is out there spreading something that was so special to me as if it was worthless. But there is nothing I can do to stop it, at least stop it permanently.

I see no benefit in letting him know anything now. The likely reaction is to push him into action, which then means I no longer have the choice of whether or not to take action. It also means that in the future if he does want to make amends, I will know whether or not I will be able to make it work with him, if he can be trusted again, by what he says or doesn't say. This will be huge, because even though I was quoting him lines from a recording between him and OW#1 right before separation, he still denied it.

I feel like this little baby who is coming is going to bring so much joy into mine and his brother's lives. I'm really looking forward to that. I know it's going to be super hard doing this alone, but who can be sad when you have something so perfect? 10 more weeks!