Wow, have things changed

[Tallula]

He called. I had texted that I needed some space, but he called. So I calmly told him that I need him to be willing to give me total transparency, defriend the OW on FB, this nurse, and being willing to let me see his phone & emails if I need to. He of course immediately said "I dont know if I even want to work on this anymore & I don't want to feel spied on." ok, then we'll figure out what we will do for a S. he got mad & said I do t want you seeing my FB, knowing what I make, or in my life ever again!! We are getting a divorce. I just calmly said "ok".

He later texted he was sorry & he loved me. I responded with "I'm not saying divorce. I've told you what I need, and if you can't do that right now, then we need to S. we will figure it out" he texted back I love you. I know it's going to keep going up & down, but I'm serious. I'm going to start acting in my own best interest.

I feel good. Sad, but good.

[labug]

It's good to know your boundaries and be able to state them.

[leopoldstotch]

Tallula take your time with this decision and I'm sure you are. Make sure you are very specific in what you need from him. The fact that he is freaking out about "feeling spied on" is very telling as you know he brought this on himself. Without trust you have nothing and your H needs to earn your trust BIG TIME.

I mean this with all the respect in the world but I was thinking how your sitch really is an abusive R. He may not be doing you any physical harm but I know it's taking an emotional toll on you. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Respect yourself and don't fall for his lies. I'll be here for you.

[Tallula]

Thanks guys! Yes, this crap is totally abusive, but I'm not backing down. While these are my boundaries, I pretty much stated them knowing he would not be able to do them at this time. I'm relating differently, so he doesn't know what to do. I set an appointment Monday night for the IC. I'm taking care of me. he totally cake eating. I'm done allowing it. I'm going to DB for me & move on.

I'm not saying I am completely done with him, but today he is unwilling to treat me the way I should be. I mean, Im pregnant & this is what he is saying. Nice.

[tiredndrained]

He sounds exactly like my husband. Claims nothing going on but won't let you know what he is doing or see his phone. Its like they have one over on you. I had a brief backslide this morning but I'm back trying to act like I don't care. I also feel as if I am done. Trying to just fix myself and not worry about my spouse. I guess that would be my only advise for you. Try and work on yourself. I've been going to IC and it really seems to be helping me get stronger.

[Tallula]

Good morning everyone!

I just want to say how much I appreciate your support & comments. I spend the last day with my family & came home last night with the kids. He texted "I love you" around bedtime & for the first time I just looked at it, and had no desire to respond. I still haven't. If this is how you love someone, I don't want it.

I've made plans to take the kids to my sisters tomorrow for when he comes home. I pretty much figure this scene won't be pretty, so I've got my backup plan. If he refuses to leave, I'll tell him I'm staying at my parents for the week so he can find a place. If for some crazy, unforeseen reason he actually agrees to all my boundaries, I plan to still spend the night with my parents & will tell him to meet me at the MC Monday night. I needed to do all this because there is that small part of me that knows I want to buy that he lives me & will stop. But I can't jump back in this again like I have the past 2 months. He'll give me just enough to bite...then we'll be here in a week.

I will accept no less than what I deserve ANYMORE!

[leopoldstotch]

Sounds like you are doing good. Stay strong and I really like what you are doing and thinking. Stick to your boundaries. I hope all goes well. Keep us posted.

[Lampstand]

Saying "noting is going on" means they aren't having sex. But they are doing all the things that lead up to it. It's the same things as "we're just friends". That also means they haven't had sex YET.

[Tallula]

So the conversation was not long. There were no tears, no fighting. He talked, mostly. He hates himself. Wants to just die. I am completely right, he should give me access to everything, but something is holding him back (um, maybe getting "caught"!?). He best friend gave him an earful. He is mad at him. He said, "I know I should do these things, but I can't. I just don't think I'll ever change. I'm just a huge peice of you know what! I hate myself!"

I simply said " well, we have 2, soon to be 3 amazing kids who love their dad and you need to get ok. I don't think you should be asking yourself if you can change, but do you want to? Whether you and i end up together or not is the point anymore. We need to be happy, and right now we are both miserable. This isn't working & we will end up hating each other. I don't hate you, just hate the things you are doing. I need to take care of myself, since no one else is."

So today we are going to go through our budget & see what we can do for this month. Figure out visitation schedule, etc. But, I feel good. Bottom line, our kids deserve for us to be able to co parent successfully. That is my focus as I'm talking to him.

[labug]

Good job, Tallula.