TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

Feeling the emotion, the subtleties in which it was meant, finding the value in their thoughts, validating their words, feeding the conversation with acknowledgement that you are present, and being available to "just be" for them. Asking them if they want your opinion afterward, or are they just looking to vent. Taking the time to appreciate that their feelings are worth YOUR time. Your body language telling them, without a word spoken, that you value their time. Making sure that they know, without a doubt, that you HEARD them.....seeking to understand them, before you have the need to be understood...

That is what you should want...
Do you give that ???
Better yet, have you ever given that ????

Thanks Mach1, I've read a lot of your posts on other threads and I like your straight-forwardness.

You describe a lot of the stuff I need to work on/are working on. Eye contact, body language, taking my time to just listen are some of the things I haven't been good at.
I've written down your Q's in my notepad so I can review, thanks!

I'm aware of it now though and usually think about it after the fact.

Join the club Sounds like we are in a similar place. I was a bit frustrated about the hindsight tendency, but at least it shows we put some thought and effort in it. With time and work hopefully it will come a lot more naturally.

The point being, the actual topic of the conversation didn't matter at all. What mattered is her FEELINGS and you did nothing to validate her feelings. In fact you ignored them. Not intentionally, but that's how she is perceiving it. In her mind you don't care about how she feels, because you're not saying/ asking the right things.

I did ignore her feelings, I just didn't see it that way.
I guess I just figured she was bashing and I just brushed it of as not important.

"I hear you saying I never listen, can you tell me more about that?" "Well yeah, it's like I'm talking to a wall! You never HEAR what I''m saying!" "Oh, well it sounds like that makes you angry, is that how you feel?" "No, not angry, but very frustrated!!" "Yeah, I can see that, you do sound very frustrated. How frustrated are you, how would it rank on a scale of one to 10?" "It's a 10 for sure!" "Wow, well obviously you do feel very frustrated. I can see why you feel that way. I'm sorry you feel like that. It is something that I'm going to work on."

This is definitely more along the lines of how I would like to see (our) communication.
In the time after BD I applied this a lot, but it just made her more upset. She told me to please stop acting like her d@mned therapist.
Maybe that's normal, maybe I swung the pendulum too far in too short time and just needed to be more consistent? Thoughts?