Slow down...take a breath...try to calm your self.
I "think" your husband is showing a few things. First of all he is questioning why you are not acting the way he EXPECTS you to act. That might very well mean your 180's are working, which is a good thing! Keep that up. It is bound to make him a little confused and that will likely lead him to question his choices. You have to keep in mind that your H is also very confused and frusturated at this time. He has a lot of conlfict running through his head. These choices he is making do not come easily. So, he is trying to reassure himself that he is doing the right thing. He does this by testing you. He is basically trying to trick you into showing the reaction that he expects. He wants to have "the real you" show her face so that he can reassure himself that he has been right in his thinking all along. DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT! Cool, calm and collected is the name of the game. Work as hard as you can to stay on an even keel. The more consistant you can be, the more doubt and internal struggle he will have. It's tough to do...that's why they call it the "rollercoaster". Just think of the scary stuff as part of the ride. Keep DBing and try to be as detached as possible. I know that's hard, but the more you work at it the easier it gets.
Don't worry too much about the "apartment". It might have been said to get a reaction. It may have been said in truth. Remember, believe NONE of what you hear and only HALF of what you see. Either way, it wouldn't be the END of anything.
Stay focused on your overall goal and roll with the punches, LMF! You are going to be stronger than you can possibly imagine
And I believe all of that is exactly what he is trying to do today. He went from saying 'if and when I get an apartment', which in my response about something else in that message I didn't not mention the statement, then he writes again a little later about 'when he gets his own place' and about being able to decide on times to spend with D like adults, because lawyers are expensive. I think he is totally trying to get me worked up. I also think he is maybe feeling me out to say something about him coming back, because he has it in his mind right now that there is someone else and I've moved on. Thank you for calming me down - now if I can just keep calm the remainder of the day lol. Not sure what to respond about this apartment/lawyer business, if anything. Thoughts?
Not sure what reaction he was looking for, but was looking for one. He finally said he was sorry for all the gloomy talk but he felt like I was sending a signal that I don't want to deal with him anymore. And then went in to say that this was the first week I hadn't voiced any feelings or tried to make plans with him. Which I actually just responded for him to read that again - he doesn't get it. Maybe if you want to do something with me you should ask! We are supposed to talk in person tomorrow. Shall see where that goes. I feel like I should tell him I'm distancing a little to keep my heart from getting hurt, which is partly the reason. Obviously I can't tell him it's wryly because he needs to realize that living like this is not ok with me, the cake eating.
I keep getting questioned about why I'm acting 'weird'. I know that the limited contact is more to keep my sanity, but it's also because he needs to realize that he made the decision to move out, I can't always be at his beg and call. What do I say?
You say you're taking time and space to think about things, that you're trying to decide what you want in life. If he asks for specifics tell him you don't know how to explain it any better than that. If he asks if it's partly him then say yes, it's him, the whole situation, etc.
He finally said he was sorry for all the gloomy talk but he felt like I was sending a signal that I don't want to deal with him anymore. And then went in to say that this was the first week I hadn't voiced any feelings or tried to make plans with him.
He feels you pulling back, and he doesn't like it. Good! Let him feel that.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
I feel like I should tell him I'm distancing a little to keep my heart from getting hurt, which is partly the reason. Obviously I can't tell him it's wryly because he needs to realize that living like this is not ok with me, the cake eating.
I think the pros would not to recommend telling him that. I am by no means knowledgable about all of this, but I would compare it to telling everyone what cards you have in your hand at a poker game. Don't tell him, SHOW him instead. Do it by detaching and GAL and setting YOUR boundaries.
You want your H to know that you would like to work on the marriage...if he doesn't, that's okay. However, you are strong and confident and will be moving on with your life, with him or without him.
Ever feel like anything you do is the wrong thing to do? Nothing I say is a good enough answer - I get accused of lying etc. And I'm so sick of hearing how it's 'obvious' that I haven't been truthful with my friends and family about my shortcomings etc and that I'm not innocent. I suppose all of my family and friends are supposed to check in and see how he's doing - well, ok, am I supposed to call them up and ask them to do it? Not gonna happen. I told him again last night that he lets other peoples opinions have too much to do with our relationship. This is what he seems to bring up every time that he talks about why it is he isn't living with me. I need to 'own up' to my stuff. Suppose he doesn't have to own up to his? I try to stay off of the rollercoaster but then just get accused of sending him signals that I don't want to work on things, that I don't want him around etc.
I agree with your last statement there suckerpunch, but I guess I'm not sure how to make him understand it.
I have dealt with these same issue in my sitch. It makes you feel almost like your S is leaving YOU, based on OTHER PEOPLES actions! There was a period of time, in the beginning of our split, when my wife would segway into how angry she was with her best friend. I kept thinking, "uhhh shouldn't this separation be in regards to US?" We would literally be discussing the demise of our marriage and she would go off on a rant about how mad she was with BF.....makes no sense to me, and I learned to just let it go and validate her.
I can understand your H feelings, if possibly the signals or 180's you are doing aren't perfectly clear to him. If you are "acting as if" and detaching too coldly, it could easily be misconstrude as you no longer being interested in the M. You have to detach and act as if, but in a way that still allows him to feel that he can engage you. You have to keep that road home clearly paved and accessible. Take a moment and consider how much of an effort that will be for him....the guilt, the embarassment, the anger, the fear. It is a lot to step through. It will be exteremely tough for him. Also, do you think you have completely owned up to your own shortcomings? Have you actually verbalized that to your H? Have you made honest efforts to 180 them and be consistent?
Exactly! And I have voiced that several times, that our relationship is between us. Did she ever stop doing this?
That probably all ties in with the guilt, embarassment etc that you mentioned. And yes, that is going to be very difficult. But it seems like he wants me to get a billboard announce to all that everything was my fault. I have owned up to my shortcomings with him and have tried to work on things- such as not having bad reactions, not nagging so much, and I have even asked a lot about his music. Mostly I try to make my own plans and not rely on him, but that usually doesn't seem to make him happy either. (I've had set backs such as New Years)
I would say I have probably been somewhat cold about the detaching. It's hard to find a balance, for me anyway.
