Thanks for your responses and insight. Accuray...I have done so much work on myself consistency and without fail since late August when H said he was unhappy with several things. I even began many of these things before H said he was unhappy, on my own when my mom died and I realized life is too short to be grumpy and resentful that someone else wasn't making me happy. Decided to make myself happy.
The main things I have done are
--I don't bring my emotions (anger, crying, yelling) to discussions. I talk in a neutral, thoughtful way after thinking about what I am going to say for several hours or days. I keep things to the point and listen hard to what he is saying. I acknowledge when he is right or has a point.
--I don't expect or ask him to do anything around the house. I take care of all of the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, bill paying--everything. Things got off kilter when my mother was dying and I never picked up the slack.
--I take interest in his work, his hobbies and ask a lot of questions about his day. He has responded to this by bringing home things from work to illustrate to me what he is doing. It's pretty interesting. He demonstrates what he learned in his guitar class or martial arts class.
--I thank him for things and appreciate him verbally much more.
If your description of detaching is correct, then I am detached. I feel so much compassion for him and his struggles right now, and I know that whatever he has done has nothing to do with me. His lying, sneaking around, not having any friends, is not my fault, it was his choice. I feel horrible that he is so much pain, but other than support him in his journey, his pain is nothing that I can fix.
I think you are right that I don't quite understand detachment so I thank you for that description.
I think it is possible that he "misses" her. They never met, but shared a comraderie and friendship that he does not have in real life--no friends at all--and I even feel bad for him for not having that in his life. How weird is that? I wouldn't say that he "loves" her. I have seen their phone activity, no call longer than 5 mins. I believe it was light and fun with little depth, but I still believe it was deeply important to H.
I believe that I am an amazing person. H also says this--he says I am a wonderful friend, a generous person, an amazing mother--I have been lazy in my friendship with him at best, and dismissive, rude, grumpy and mean at worst. Careless. I am sure he hasn't felt special in my eyes for a long time.
Since August (and even before) I have turned all of this around. I know there is a long way to go, but the sense of self-worth that I get from being in tune with him is worth it to me personally. I have bad days when I am sad, but I don't change my behavior towards him. No silent treatment, glaring looks or stomping around. Just peaceful cheerfulness and respect. I have come a long way.
