Help/Advice needed please...

[labug]

Did you think she'd look haggard and forlorn when she came to your house? She may or may not be happy, it really doesn't change anything at this point.

You wife gave you some good info, do you agree with her assessment?

What are you doing to change that?

[Intact]

I absolutely take responsibility for the things I got so badly wrong in our marriage.

180 s are a at the moment as she's not here - but when I do see her I always make sure I don't nag or argue and I try and talk to her about her day and act interested. The house is spotless and all of the ironing and washing is always done. I can't do much about the way I physically pushed her away as she's not here and at the moment I do need to go out so its very hard to work on the single man lifestyle.

[Intact]

Also I'd like some advice if possible please.

As stated my wife has moved into her mums house - and there's not much room there. As a result she still has an awful lot of her things here. She seems to pop round quite often and pick "bits" up but never really takes a car load...

Should I pack all her things up for her and get her to pick them up or is it better as it is, as she still has reasons to pop over?

It's kind of hard to get on with your own life when you're surrounded by your wife's possessions; books, ornaments, candles etc.

[AnotherStander]

That's the most upsetting thing though - how happy she seems.

I see this expressed a lot on these forums, LBH's being upset because the WAS seems happy. First, she probably isn't happy, or at least not all the time. There's a lot going on inside. Second, don't you want her to be happy? If you truly love her you should want her to find happiness whether that's with you or without you. Why would her happiness upset you? These questions are rhetorical, I know why. You're hoping that if she's miserable it'll make her want to come back. It doesn't work that way though, you need to give her reasons to come back, by being the spouse only a fool would leave. And that means finding your own happiness and PMA INDEPENDENTLY of her. A WAS even if they're unhappy is not going to be drawn back to a mopey, sullen LBS. So GAL. Work on your PMA. It doesn't happen overnight, that's why it's important to work at it every day until it becomes second nature.

[AnotherStander]

Should I pack all her things up for her and get her to pick them up or is it better as it is, as she still has reasons to pop over?

It's kind of hard to get on with your own life when you're surrounded by your wife's possessions; books, ornaments, candles etc.

Do what's right for you. If you're finding it hard to detach because her stuff is there, then by all means pack it up. One of the first things I did was take down all pictures of W because it was too hard seeing her face all over the place!

[Intact]

Well today my wife has "Facebook divorced" me - I know this was the wrong thing to do but I sent a text that said "Facebook just told me we are divorced, that's interesting lol" she responded by deleting her facebook profile - which seems somewhat odd...

I know I shouldn't have text her - I really don't know what I was thinking...

[Intact]

Anyone else think that was a strange response? Also I have to see her Tuesday as we are closing our joint bank account. Anyone have any tips or suggestions of how I should handle it, what I should say etc.

Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[swoop]

Facebook....ugh...don't get me started.

My wifes facebook drove me crazy. She took off her married status, removed our anniversary date, left all of our family pictures tho...and posted more inspiratinoal mumbo jumbo relationship poems than I could shake a stick at...Then I posted one picture of a mutal friends Christmas party and she unfriended me....which drove me even more crazy, haha....It doesn't mean anything. Just let it go

In regards to the joint checking account, do as you should always do. Act as if everything is just fine with your life. Stay upbeat and positive. Don't get into any talks about R, past, future, nothing too deep. Just be light, friendly and cancel the joint account. It is that easy.

[25yearsmlc]

I would not say "it's that easy" b/c you are trying to show her a new you &you are hurt. Stop looking at the FB and don't rush to pack her stuff yet if you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

Don't make it harder for her to come home than it already would be. Don't tell everyone "she LEFT me!" The more people who know, the worse it is for her and the harder it is for a reconciliation.

Or do you want to "teach her a lesson"? Don't.

My DB coach said "it's NOT the job of the spouse to 'teach a lesson' or 'show the consequences of'...that is just an LBSer getting punitive & looking mad, which is not attractive.

Life teaches them lessons.

You say you acted like a single man when married. What does that mean?

You also didn't do much to help HER and you only wanted to touch her if it meant sexually.

Those are not small items to work on. Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book yet? If you can, if it's not awkward, try to give her a hug of friendship, like you have warm NON sexual feelings for her, (she KNOWS you are attracted to her. She wants to know you LOVE and RESPECT her too).

Do/Say things that show love/respect. Not just the desire to be gratified, b/c that can make a woman feel used over time.

you really need read one of the DB books though, before we can get very far here. My 2nd suggestion for reading is "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman.

It'll show you why her "Love tank" is so empty sounding and possible ways for YOU to re-fill it.

[Intact]

I've read divorce remedy and the 5 love languages. Her love language is definitely touch - which is difficult. I will try and do what you say and give her a friendship hug...

I think there is very possibly Another man - believe it or not I'm not too worried about this at this point - I just want to repair my marriage - if there is any hope of that happening - although that looks very slim at the moment...

I am doing my 180s - I faltered with the text message regarding facebook - I find it so hard because I wonder if she has noticed that I am not pursuing her etc at the moment... It's hard but I want so much for this to work. I want my family to be complete again...

When I see her tUesday to split the bank account I will try my hardest to be positive and happy... But it's hard... I want her to notice me again, to think about me... I want her to be happy because I love her - but it hurts that she seems so happy and certain without me...