finding my way

[littleGTO]

hi, roses, thanks for posting! No baby steps whatsoever. H has not brought up R since before Christmas, when he made it very clear he is still in love w OW and needs to "follow his heart." He still comes to house every day after school for kids and in the afternoons on the weekends. our paths only cross briefly during the week (or some days not at all). Our convos have been limited to kids stuff.

Had a bad night last night. S11 was having difficulty w following directions to get t bed (was extremely hyper, as he sometimes gets). I grew impatient and sharp w him---he said I was being mean and grabbed the phone to call his dad (that's what he's done 2-3 times before when he gets upset w me/my actions toward him). But, no answer.

As I am apologizing for my "meanness" and try to calm him down S9 is interrupting for my attention and I snapped at him too! Next thing I know he's on the phone w my H telling him I yelled at him.

Why am I the bad guy???!!!!

I apologized to him after he got off the phone & S9 & I cried together realizing our reactions were both due to the same reason ("daddy not being here"--his words, not mine).

Anyway I felt like all apologies were made and we were all okay going to bed, but I felt AWFUL that I let my emotions about H get involved when interacting w my boys. I feel like I let myself down , as well as them.

We are going to see a FC next Tuesday (just me & boys) for first visit. Hoping we can keep our family glued together.

S13 missed the bus this morning & I had to scramble around to get other two out the door & bring him to school late. (I just HATE HATE HATE doing this by myself!!!)

GAL tonight- boys & I are going to movie night at S9s school. Hopefully that will good for all of us!

I love my boys, but I feel bad I am just so sad in my heart that it spilled over to them. (I'm trying, but sometimes I just fall short.)