Geeez - you echo my thoughgts so well. i don't know how we ever get our brains to quiti 'spinininig'. like youo, i'm a suck it up and get the job done kinda gal. maybe if we werre increrdibly sappy and needy they'd be busy taking care of us insteaad of freaking out/ (just an icky little thought - tho, then they'd be doing what they are because of tht) i have a notion no matter what and who we are or were - they'd be doing exactly what they are.
my h is a tekkie freak too- i have successfully resisited all urges to find out more. i cannot tolerate the little i do know- i swear, when i have to turn on his computer to print something- my stomach still flip flops because there is where i first found out anything! sad huh?
[quote] still hate that tightrope feeling of not knowing how much I should respond to him and how much I should ignore him. He seems to be pretty happy around me, always wanting to tell me something new. I hate that he has such an avoidance personality and has buried all of his problems for so long. Makes me feel like this will go on for a long time because he is not going to deal with any of his demons. He will just keep ignoring them. It's been two months since I've had any kind of break down in front of him, so I am happy for that.
my thouoghts exactly- right up to the two months since any breakdown- you are doiing extremely well i think - for this stuff being so recent for you. i'm keeping busy and lookinig normal to the world- and it's been a heck of a lot longer getting here than you. you need to pat yourself on the back for your staunch nature and keeping together for the kids.
isn't it amazing what we can do when we HAVE TO?> I'VE though a few times in life that i managed to c ope bettter than i'd ever have thought in the real clinch - it's something to know- your inner reserves and "steel". sad to have to find out- particularly like this- but nevertheless.
i list almost daily the good things about my life- keep myself even handed a bit and remembering to not discount any blessings however small. somehow helps me keep perspective ] it's just an all bad sitch no matter how we slice it- i'm sorry you have to be going thru this. i read your posts and feel a kindred spirit- i truly wonder what will be in our lives in fiveyears time.
oh well- good luck and keep your spirits up best you can if possible. i tell myself all the tijme i can always walk away tomorrow - we do have that power - should we want it. you've got those kids to keep you focused on the bigger picture- that wiill help too -
Bottom of the RC again. He went and had a booty call with OW#1 last night. Friends of our invited us over to their house on Sat night, and now I just want to say no. I think I should. I think I should just avoid him now. I don't know. He doesn't know that I know all that I do. Maybe I just tell him I need some space if he asks if I am going. I know he wants to have this whole thing where he can go have one night stands or f-buddies and then hang out with me and the kids whenever he wants and then go hang out with his friends until all hours of the night.
nero, in 5 years, we are going to be happy. Either I will be single and happy with 4 boys that are all potty trained, or I will be seeing someone amazing, or H will have grown up and we will have worked through all of the issues. No matter what, I'm going to be happy.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I'm so sorry that you have to continue to live with such pain your H inflicts. All he can think about is himself right now yet he wants you at his side. I'm so so sorry.
I love this :
Originally Posted By: Hopper
in 5 years... Either I will be single and happy with 4 boys that are all potty trained, or I will be seeing someone amazing, or H will have grown up and we will have worked through all of the issues. No matter what, I'm going to be happy.
Hugs to you today, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks to you all I hate days like this. And Heather I like your addition That's the one thing I hate the most is that just not knowing what the outcome of a D would be, that because I went back to work 5 yrs ago, my kids would suffer in a D and H could benefit. So he could be completely irresponsible and barely contribute to them financially.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
i'm buying into your "we're going to be happy ". i can't believe you know all this stuff and are keeping mum. i'm such a jerk- first thing i did was say "what the hel_ is this??? blah blah blah" it was awful- not in the least fulfilling or anything other than horrible.
oh well- so me- up front- don't like the covert operation crap. i don't know how you hold it in.
i'm quiet and storm when he's seeing ow. we both know it- my best effort is to just stay clear of him and hnot pick up phone. to co-exist and be pleasant- i probably would just explode into a pile of guts. no kidding.
you're such a stoic. here i am tho, he's back up in nj- coexisting in same house, bed, acting like "usual" - knowing what i know- trying like mad to just not say anything and not be sarcastic. don't succeed all the time.
ALLLLWAY feel like i'm either not doing proper db, or having good pma - or whatever. today tho, letting self off hook- i'm just who i am.
please refer to dr. seuss (some sister keeps saying:
be who you are- say what you feel.
those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter.
trying to keep a good thought. h is out with car at moment- driving with my 88 year old mom who was sick and hasn't driven in three or four wks - better hm than me.
oh well- carry on and good luck with everything. thanks for note- i'm thinking if you want to say no to casual visiting and social interaction- just do it. no one says you have to shove this down your own throat as well as him.
i resent it all like - this jerk messing up my happy little life - if i feel it i do it- otherwise i'm thinking we have a right to save ourselves from pain or uncomfortable sitchs if we can. no one says martyr ourselves - rite?
xxo (( )) like the thought of potty training eeryone- makes me miss my great neice & nephew in fl- i gotta go get a baby fix and regain my composure & perspective in life. no kidding. baby's really cut thru the crap- love, air, food, the essentials... the heck with all the intrigue of adulthood
these guys are crazy - who needs it ? not me\
snow coming- even now- at this age (62) still feels exciting to think of a possible blizzard - it's so peaceful and beautiful-
nero, that has been extremely difficult. Having this forum sure helps, because I'm not disclosing it to friends either. This goes against my core personality, but my core personality is taking a beating, and it sure is changing--I believe for the better.
I have always been a very impulsive person. H will surely think he is getting away with all of this, because this has not been my nature at all. I now take time to really think about things and let them cool. Nothing will be lost by waiting days or weeks or months. That moment to go ballistic will always be there if I choose to take it, but once I do, I no longer have a choice. I like that the choices are mine. I am in control. He may be out there destroying all the love and trust I have for him, but I am the one who still has the choice of the reaction. And yes it hurts like hell that we "saved" ourselves for each other, and he is out there spreading something that was so special to me as if it was worthless. But there is nothing I can do to stop it, at least stop it permanently.
I see no benefit in letting him know anything now. The likely reaction is to push him into action, which then means I no longer have the choice of whether or not to take action. It also means that in the future if he does want to make amends, I will know whether or not I will be able to make it work with him, if he can be trusted again, by what he says or doesn't say. This will be huge, because even though I was quoting him lines from a recording between him and OW#1 right before separation, he still denied it.
I feel like this little baby who is coming is going to bring so much joy into mine and his brother's lives. I'm really looking forward to that. I know it's going to be super hard doing this alone, but who can be sad when you have something so perfect? 10 more weeks!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I now take time to really think about things and let them cool. Nothing will be lost by waiting days or weeks or months. That moment to go ballistic will always be there if I choose to take it, but once I do, I no longer have a choice. I like that the choices are mine. I am in control.
Hopper, that is some damn good stuff there ^^^^^ !
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
That moment to go ballistic will always be there if I choose to take it, but once I do, I no longer have a choice. I like that the choices are mine. I am in control.
my new idol - this is what i aspire to. it was the total shock- brain off- gut running amok -
Quote:
I feel like this little baby who is coming is going to bring so much joy into mine and his brother's lives. I'm really looking forward to that. I know it's going to be super hard doing this alone, but who can be sad when you have something so perfect? 10 more weeks!
omg - do i ever agree. that tiny little child - will be perfect. you are sure right- holding a teeny weeny baby and looking at them, so simple - so pure - what else in the world can compare. i am dying to get to fl again and hold my great nephew (almost a yr) and his sister - just turned 4. they are such a pleasure & a joy. all they want is some time and affection - who can be blue when you have a baby to play with? i can't thnk of anyone alive that i can make that happy- if that's greedy or grubby of me- so be it. i can suck up their pleasure and love like a sponge. it's what we're meant to feel it hink- all that. non of the pain and intrigue and crappola that adults deal with and deal out to each othr. if it can't be nice and love and courtesy and care- then why bother being in some relationships? i'm having a new outlook- hope it doesn't get wierd - but my hert is sooo bashed by this h - that i'm looking at all my other r and if they're not ncie or pleasant - (i'm willing to hand that out btw- so not asking for someting i'm not willing to gigve) i don't want them. simple as that. it's even making me inspect this troubled r with my mother.
i do not feel like accepting the junk anymore from anyone. working on that and how to extricate myself nicely.
anyway- BABIES _ WE LOVE THEM - they cut thru the crap inlife.
you will do well i am sure- if you can control yourself in this awful sitch- you are able to do anyting and i'm not kidding. i've got more control than 2.5 years ago- i'm not where you are tho. i am fighting hard to be me- and let go of notion i have 'DONE THIS - to him or me. it is him all the way.
surprisingly hard to accept that and move past it- let myself be self and "off the hook". i have a very high level of expectation of self. anyway- i can talk less- i can not get invested in a fight- i can sidestep one- i can not defned self - i cannot tho, at this moment, trust h or find the love i had or find the respect for his goodness i had, so on....
that's the sad bit. i feel like you- i loved without qualification- completely & utterly. that he chose to lie and screw it all up- i cannot fix or change. wh3re the future goes will be interesting to see- if i can recpature somethng- if i will need to even - if he regains his sanity- if he is too off the rails to ever get back- etc.
today- i'm glad here thnking of your baby- i'm cutting out hearts for my neice to decorate her room- i thnking of these babies in my life and how very very glad i'll be to hug them and go to the park and hear them laugh-
xxoo ((( ))) hang in there - i sure wish we were all neighbors and could meet up for a glass of wine- or what4ever. wouldn't it be nice to actualy sit and have a visit sometime with everyone tht has made life more bearable for these past few awful years.
wonder if it would be wird and we'd all look at each other and say "yikes" - mental pictures , etc. xxoo
I hate days like this. And Heather I like your addition