I have been keeping contact to a minimum - usually just reply to answer - so now I'm actuing weird, so he says. No, I'm acting like you are not controlling my life and if you would like to be more a part of it then you would be.
I have a girls night planned in a couple weeks and I texted last night asking him to keep D. He immediately starts into 'make sure you keep your phone number to yourself' ad 'why all night' and 'why at my parents than at the house'. Geez. I woke up to a text that says he doesn't trust me in the slightest. I didn't answer. Then this morning I get one about how I was chasing this guy, and I'm pulling away, what do I really have planned for that night that I would want him to keep D for 24 hours, and if I really have something going I should just tell him so he doesn't find out another way or see it with his won eyes.
So - let me get this straight - I can't go out with you because you don't want to be seen with me. I can't go out with my friends either because I can't be trusted. Am I supposed to sit home all the time? And to put it in perspective - I have only ever had conversations with this one person. For like a week. He talks with other girls all the time. Not so much any more but I'm pretty sure he does on places I can't see, like facebook messengers. But sometimes I just don't care about it anymore. It does no good to complain.
His facebook status last night said 'sometimes it's best to ignore all the racket, keep your head down, and just keep moving. sometimes.' Or maybe sometimes it's best to act like you like your wife, since you obviously do, and take care of your home responsibilities etc instead of living like a free loader over at your parents. Ugh.
I finished reading Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough last night - it's a good read. Mostly towards infidelity, which I don't have proof of. Which brings up something else - has anyone used private investigators to see what is really going on? I really wouldn't have a way to really know otherwise. Don't think anything is going on now, but I also feel like the reason he accuses me of things so much is because of what he is doing. (or has done) Hope everyone had a good night!
now he's all concerned about why I'm not talking much this week (he actually asked if I was pi*sed off which seriosuly made me laugh out loud at my desk) But I just told him I was busy - which he says is a cop out. So I said I don't want to bother you either - he says is a cop out. He says he didn't know we were on a 'don't speak unles spoken to basis'.
So now what? It's like I can't win. I know he is pushing this thinking there is something going on with someone. Which isn't the case at all.
now he's all concerned about why I'm not talking much this week (he actually asked if I was pi*sed off which seriosuly made me laugh out loud at my desk) But I just told him I was busy - which he says is a cop out. So I said I don't want to bother you either - he says is a cop out. He says he didn't know we were on a 'don't speak unles spoken to basis'.
So now what? It's like I can't win. I know he is pushing this thinking there is something going on with someone. Which isn't the case at all.
All I can say is if my wife said that to me, I'd take it as a sign that I should step up the conversation.
As for his jealousy/suspicions, that's his problem to work out. Don't allow him to make you feel like you need to justify your every action, or prove to him that you're not cheating.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I am sorry you have been having souch a hard time. It looks like you have tried some counseling, but as is often the case, they don't want to work with just one partner or they don't have the skills to be solution focused. It would be extremely helpful to talk to one of Michele's DB Coaches. They are experts in helping just you get clarity on how to interact with him, so that you are communicating with him in a way that could bring him closer and not pushing him further away. Please call me for further details. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I have been keeping contact to a minimum - usually just reply to answer - so now I'm actuing weird, so he says.
Detachment is more for you than him. How do YOU feel? He's trying to get you back onto the roller coaster, don't do it.
Quote:
I woke up to a text that says he doesn't trust me in the slightest. I didn't answer.
Good, it doesn't deserve an answer. He needs to come to grips with the fact that he moved out, you no longer answer to him and that is by HIS choice.
Quote:
So - let me get this straight - I can't go out with you because you don't want to be seen with me. I can't go out with my friends either because I can't be trusted. Am I supposed to sit home all the time?
That's exactly what he would like, he wants you in reserve in case he changes his mind. But you are doing the right thing. Detach. GAL. Don't let his spewing affect you.
Quote:
Which brings up something else - has anyone used private investigators to see what is really going on? I really wouldn't have a way to really know otherwise.
No, we definitely do not recommend that, it's the worst form of snooping. A lot of people really have heartburn over this question. I did too, so I finally just asked myself "what if she is in a PA? Would I change my approach? Would I not want to reconcile?" In our case neither of us were anything close to virgins when we met although we hadn't been married. So in the end I decided if she had an A then I would still want to R if possible, because it's not like I was the only person she had been with anyway (or vice versa). So at that point I told myself "OK, then assume she IS in a PA and move on accordingly". So that's what I've done. I assume she had a PA, but I really don't know for sure. And because I've made that assumption, knowing versus not knowing doesn't matter to me now.
Quote:
Don't think anything is going on now, but I also feel like the reason he accuses me of things so much is because of what he is doing. (or has done)
Yup, that is very often the case. A have a female friend whose husband had a PA. He became so paranoid that he insisted that my FRIEND get tested for STD's!!!!! Seriously! He's the one that had the affair and he never got tested, but he wanted HER to get tested and she never had any kind of A, not even an EA! I just can't believe the mindest of adulterers, it's incredible.
Thank you all. While I would say that it's a sign I should talk with him more, it just makes me feel better about things and end up hurt, again. And also I think it sends him the message that I'm ok with these living arrangements.
I see what you mean about the affairs. It probably would just hurt more to know. He was accusing like that long before I had texting conversations with that one guy. And he had the conversation that if I should decide to do that I should let him know - so he wouldn't get STD's - makes ya wonder.
I told him to quit bringing up the guy I had talked to and I got a text bashing as usual, this is one similar to what I get each time there is some sort of spat - 'instead of admitting any wrong doings, showing remorse, being honest, or owning it or apologizing, the table gets turned on me...therfor we are still apart. Because I know you are saving face and making this all on me on your side of the world....playing dumbfounded about why I'd choose to not be with you, that I have gone crazy. Now...I've said my last peace. And this will get brushed off with the rest of what I say. And if it does, the point of why I moved out this long will make sense.'
Huh?
I'm tired of placing fault. Long ago, when things started getting bad and he told me that I had created him from ignoring him for 3 years, I told him I was sorry if he felt that way but I couldn't do anything about it now, we needed to move forward. I am always the one apologizing.
So I just responded that I wasn't going to have that conversation at work or through long texts. If he wants to talk about that, we would talk face to face. But gee, just move on. Im' not going to go shout from the roof tops that sometimes I nag, etc because my family and marriage are most important to me. Pretty sure most know this. And I don't let on that I'm perfect. But the fact is still that his idea on how to work on it was to move.
Now he wants to come work on his car next week and promised to 'stay out of my way'. Fun fun.
I keep getting questioned about why I'm acting 'weird'. I know that the limited contact is more to keep my sanity, but it's also because he needs to realize that he made the decision to move out, I can't always be at his beg and call. What do I say?
He's driving me crazy this morning! You know what he wants to know? Why I went in the bathroom to get dressed. Seriously. Does it matter where I dress?! And I have time to talk to everyone else but say I'm too busy to talk with him. (if that isn't a complete reversal of how it used to go down!) I didn't say I was too busy to talk with him, just said I had been busy. What am I supposed to say - sorry, I'm too busy guarding my heart so I don't get close again too soon and you crush it?
He says he's been trying to figure all this out and then boom ...I'm a different person. Which I feel bad about because that was one of his issues, that I always change. (I see it as becoming a mom, etc but ok, whatever) But am I supposed to go on forever with him htinking it's ok to live life like this?
I tried to stay off of the rollercoaster about the clothes etc - but I can't let him accuse me of thigns that just aren't true. All of that lead to 'me seeing someone else' and he was shocked, didn't think I would do that this quick. And it all went out of control because I didn't reply for several minutes - oh, because I was WORKING!
Good thing it's Friday - I see a bottle of wine in my future.
