Going to spend the next couple days figuring this out. My only goal now is to get through next couple days without making anything worse and to try and forgive myself. Likely spend a lot of time with kids and I have a charity dinner on Saturday night with friends that I'll force myself to go to.
Originally Posted By: PowerOfNow
Spartan did you grow up in a dysfunctional home of any sort? I am being sincere.
It's a good question and sheds light on some of my reactions. I'm from a broken home where mom over compensated for my dad leaving. My first memory (and really only one from before 5) was my mom telling me my dad was leaving and not coming back just before I turned 4. Surprises everyone that I even remember that but for some reason I remember everything about that afternoon . I recently discussed it with my mom and she was shocked how much I remembered, said it was exactly how she remembered it with even more detail. My dad would occasionally visit the next couple years, mostly holidays, B-days, and random weekends but pretty much became non existent in our lives by the time I was 8 or 9 (and he lived less then 5 miles away until I went to college). After that any man in my life (grandpas, uncle, etc...) always seemed to die or move on shortly after getting close with them. That abandonment is what really screwed up my perspectives on trust, control, and the fear of abandonment/ rejection. This is the baggage I brought to the M and is what I've been really trying to work on by myself and with IC. I thought (and counselor had commented) that I was getting better with all these but now I'm starting to doubt myself... I'm still in a state of shock because I never thought this type of BS would come up again from me. My W is a codependent with both her parents being full blown alcoholics. She was brought up emotionless, lied to avoid confrontation, unable to communicate effectively (stonewalled), etc... This combination isn't a good base for a strong, healthy R and I don't think either of us really tried to address our issues until recently. So now with all that there are bitterness, resentment, and trust issues from years of being unhealthy stacked on top of our underlying issues.
One goal I always had was to never have my kids be from a broken home and never have them feel unloved by their dad like I did. I now have serious doubts I can accomplish my first goal and realize it's not solely in my control. Since the second one is in my control I have no doubt I'll accomplish that one and be the best father I can be for my kids. I can't let any of my issues rub off on them so now I'll work doubly hard on myself since they are obviously still tucked away deep inside.
Thanks again for all the replies and support. It's been a very hard 12 hours for me. Thought I was better then that
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
look into adult children of alcoholics. It is not just for alcoholism in the house. it is for anyone growing up in a dsyfunctional home. It is helped me see why I am so reactive
Spartan, again I'm reminded of how similar our paths our, the history, our first reactions, protection mechanisms, etc.
The same thing has happened to me so many times, and I always think the worst....I've trained myself to do so from a very young age. How I've managed to combat this is twofold. First, I recognize that I can't control my W. She is going to do what she wants, regardless of what I want, or say, or ask. Second, I recognize negative thinking when it begins and try to turn it to positive thinking. Sometimes I simply choose to trust my W.
You know in my sitch my W is still in contact with OM, daily I am sure. The boundary I drew was no contact with him in our home, but yet OM still called our home phone last week. I chose to discuss it and be firm about the boundary (knowing full well that it would likely cause a rift between W and I, at least for a time), but there are some things to recognize here. She cannot control OM....and let's face it, my W is hot and he's not going to give up the EA easily. Also, he apologized to W and said it was an accident. Maybe it really was.
So in your case, recognize that OM may call your W all the time...whether she wants it or not. Maybe trust that your W will honor your agreement, but understand that if she doesn't, it's nothing you can control anyway.
Hang tough buddy....most of us have been working on our sitches for a long time and still occasionally backslide. It happens. Dig into the "whys" so you can understand yourself better and make changes....but don't spend too long kicking yourself for the mistake.
Oh, and lastly, if you haven't already, you might want to apologize to your W. Not to get back in her good graces, but because you are truly sorry. And afterwards, forgive yourself too.
I did apologize to her this AM before she left for work. I told her I had no excuses for what I did or how I acted and she didn't deserve any of it. I told her how sorry I was and I understood how she probably feels towards me. It was so hard to even look at her when I did it. So ashamed. She didn't say anything. I won't blame her, or be surprised, if she doesn't forgive me; it's going to be hard to forgive myself. I put the ball on the Tee for her and gave her more ammo to walk.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I would be careful about apologizing to much. Say it once and move on. Don't beat yourself up.
Keep working on yourself. Even when you think you are work more. It is hard. I struggle here myself. My wife received a txt last nigh at 1130 pm right before bed. I did not ask. She usually tells me who it is. This time she did not. I am not sure why. Did it bother me today a little. yes. I just wanted to continue to work on the positives
I just blew months of DBing and likely lost my family and any chance with W. If I were her I wouldn't R with me.
You can't go around walking on eggshells all the time, if you have to live like that around W then the M will never work out. Ask yourself this, if your M were good and healthy and this had happened, what would have been the result? Maybe a day of the silent treatment followed by hot monkey love. Or maybe you both would have laughed it off after realizing the mistake. A single event did not degrade your M to the point it's at now and a single event is not going to make or break it. Bad and stupid things are ALWAYS going to happen in a M and if we can't bounce back from them, well the M is doomed. You apologized, so it's done. Keep moving forward with your DB'ing. If that's unforgivable in your wife's eyes then she's just looking for an excuse to beat you up anyway.
I want to share with you a similar story- when I edge my yard before I mow it I pick up all the cigarette butts (would love to find the idiot that throws them in my yard and beat him senseless, but that's another story, LOL!) and stick them in my pocket. When I finish my edging I toss them in the trash. Well once I apparently forgot. My W did the laundry and pulled D15 aside and wanted to know why she found butts in her clothes. Poor D15 was scrambling, said that it must have been one of her friends. Boy did she get read the riot act by W. We were all out to dinner one night when W told me what had happened and they were trying to figure out which of D15's friends was secretly smoking. I knew right away what had happened and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even explain it to them. Literally, tears were running down my face. Pretty soon they were all laughing just because I was, they didn't even know why. I finally did settle down long enough to tell them what had happened and then we all started laughing again!
Funny because I wan't sure what to do tonight when I see W and I was going to confirm whether I should just keep my mouth shut. I thought I should just let it go because as you guys said I've already apologized so nothing else I can do. Part of me wishes we could talk about it so I could try to explain it was a momentary lapse and not how I really feel but I know it wouldn't do any good so will just read and go to bed early. Going to let myself feel bad rest of day and force myself to move forward tomorrow. First non sick day I've not worked out in a while. I won't let this feeling continue. Tomorrow is a new day.
My BF who is only friend that knows all details asked me what she said during the argument. She actually said quite a few awful things to me as well, many unprovoked subject changes. It was just an ugly night all around. One thing that bugs me in sitch is I've felt terrible and apologized and no chance she'll apologize and will use it to motivate her to continue on. Nothing I can do about it so no point dwelling on it any longer. I won't lie, I'm not looking forward to this weekend.
I know I've said it before but I'm really thankful for you guys. You helped me through a really bad night and day.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan, I'm just catching up, and sorry the fight happened, but the advice everyone gave you is good: don't beat yourself too much and stop apologizing. At some point, you might want to talk about your feelings about the OM so she can see the reason for your reaction. But wait a while, until both of you are calm. You didn't ruin everything. It's just a setback. ((((((((((((())))))))))))
Spartan that Dorito trap below your nose shut it. You've apologized, STOP and move on. How can you GAL this weekend ? Take the kids. Act as if nothing happened. Stay busy champ.
You're overthinking and if you think the words I'm sorry will ever leave a WAS mouth think again . Don't keep score , you're losing in her eyes.
No R talk , detach , go out, start a hobby, goto church , and and.
Thanks for checking in Tori. I think W knows how lying and OM make me feel, I just don't think she cares at this point. Hopefully one day we can have a real talk about it.
PON - I hope you're happy because I'm now eating Doritos . I actually have a pretty full weekend. Tonight went to S7 swim meet and she took 1st in 25 and 50 backstroke and second just missing 1st in 50 free. They moved her up in age brkt and she lost to 10 yr old. I was so proud and happy for her. It put me in such a good mood seeing her do well. Best part was she told girl that beat her "good race". Last meet she cried when she lost a race and we talked about sportsmanship. Tomorrow I'm working out early with ex Navy Seal (should be fun) and then taking kids swimming in afternoon. At night I have a charity dinner with bunch of friends. Sunday me and kids are hanging out most day while W goes to a shower.
I acted like nothing happened last night and it may have bothered W. After every fight we've had I historically mope around and this was a big one and she sees me not just fine but acting happy, joking with kids and other parents. I don't think she knew what to do. I even initiated a little small talk with her. She left me and kids and just went to bed.
I could have never done any of that without the support of all you guys. It's shocking the emotional swings I'm now capable of. I really need to work on staying more level headed.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. I recently discussed it with my mom and she was shocked how much I remembered, said it was exactly how she remembered it with even more detail. My dad would occasionally visit the next couple years, mostly holidays, B-days, and random weekends but pretty much became non existent in our lives by the time I was 8 or 9 (and he lived less then 5 miles away until I went to college). After that any man in my life (grandpas, uncle, etc...) always seemed to die or move on shortly after getting close with them. That abandonment is what really screwed up my perspectives on trust, control, and the fear of abandonment/ rejection. This is the baggage I brought to the M and is what I've been really trying to work on by myself and with IC. I thought (and counselor had commented) that I was getting better with all these but now I'm starting to doubt myself... I'm still in a state of shock because I never thought this type of BS would come up again from me. My W is a codependent with both her parents being full blown alcoholics. She was brought up emotionless, lied to avoid confrontation, unable to communicate effectively (stonewalled), etc... This combination isn't a good base for a strong, healthy R and I don't think either of us really tried to address our issues until recently. So now with all that there are bitterness, resentment, and trust issues from years of being unhealthy stacked on top of our underlying issues.
. I actually have a pretty full weekend. Tonight went to S7 swim meet and she took 1st in 25 and 50 backstroke and second just missing 1st in 50 free. They moved her up in age brkt and she lost to 10 yr old. I was so proud and happy for her. It put me in such a good mood seeing her do well. Best part was she told girl that beat her "good race". Last meet she cried when she lost a race and we talked about sportsmanship. Tomorrow I'm working out early with ex Navy Seal (should be fun) and then taking kids swimming in afternoon. At night I have a charity dinner with bunch of friends. Sunday me and kids are hanging out most day while W goes to a shower.