Going to spend the next couple days figuring this out. My only goal now is to get through next couple days without making anything worse and to try and forgive myself. Likely spend a lot of time with kids and I have a charity dinner on Saturday night with friends that I'll force myself to go to.
Originally Posted By: PowerOfNow
Spartan did you grow up in a dysfunctional home of any sort? I am being sincere.
It's a good question and sheds light on some of my reactions. I'm from a broken home where mom over compensated for my dad leaving. My first memory (and really only one from before 5) was my mom telling me my dad was leaving and not coming back just before I turned 4. Surprises everyone that I even remember that but for some reason I remember everything about that afternoon . I recently discussed it with my mom and she was shocked how much I remembered, said it was exactly how she remembered it with even more detail. My dad would occasionally visit the next couple years, mostly holidays, B-days, and random weekends but pretty much became non existent in our lives by the time I was 8 or 9 (and he lived less then 5 miles away until I went to college). After that any man in my life (grandpas, uncle, etc...) always seemed to die or move on shortly after getting close with them. That abandonment is what really screwed up my perspectives on trust, control, and the fear of abandonment/ rejection. This is the baggage I brought to the M and is what I've been really trying to work on by myself and with IC. I thought (and counselor had commented) that I was getting better with all these but now I'm starting to doubt myself... I'm still in a state of shock because I never thought this type of BS would come up again from me. My W is a codependent with both her parents being full blown alcoholics. She was brought up emotionless, lied to avoid confrontation, unable to communicate effectively (stonewalled), etc... This combination isn't a good base for a strong, healthy R and I don't think either of us really tried to address our issues until recently. So now with all that there are bitterness, resentment, and trust issues from years of being unhealthy stacked on top of our underlying issues.
One goal I always had was to never have my kids be from a broken home and never have them feel unloved by their dad like I did. I now have serious doubts I can accomplish my first goal and realize it's not solely in my control. Since the second one is in my control I have no doubt I'll accomplish that one and be the best father I can be for my kids. I can't let any of my issues rub off on them so now I'll work doubly hard on myself since they are obviously still tucked away deep inside.
Thanks again for all the replies and support. It's been a very hard 12 hours for me. Thought I was better then that
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. I recently discussed it with my mom and she was shocked how much I remembered, said it was exactly how she remembered it with even more detail. My dad would occasionally visit the next couple years, mostly holidays, B-days, and random weekends but pretty much became non existent in our lives by the time I was 8 or 9 (and he lived less then 5 miles away until I went to college). After that any man in my life (grandpas, uncle, etc...) always seemed to die or move on shortly after getting close with them. That abandonment is what really screwed up my perspectives on trust, control, and the fear of abandonment/ rejection. This is the baggage I brought to the M and is what I've been really trying to work on by myself and with IC. I thought (and counselor had commented) that I was getting better with all these but now I'm starting to doubt myself... I'm still in a state of shock because I never thought this type of BS would come up again from me. My W is a codependent with both her parents being full blown alcoholics. She was brought up emotionless, lied to avoid confrontation, unable to communicate effectively (stonewalled), etc... This combination isn't a good base for a strong, healthy R and I don't think either of us really tried to address our issues until recently. So now with all that there are bitterness, resentment, and trust issues from years of being unhealthy stacked on top of our underlying issues.
