It sounds like you don't quite understand detachment, it's not an either/ or choice (IE, you make it sound like your choice is either a happy family or detachment). As Accuray described, it's about disassociating yourself from your H's roller coaster ride. Here's something Peanut posted some time ago that describes it so well that I find it easier to just keep reposting it rather than try and put it in my own words:
Quote:
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
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right now he says his goal is to build trust and become honest with me. I said because I don't trust him our realtionship is built on sand.
He said he's trying to BUILD trust. It takes time. Are you unwilling to work at it? Do you not think you can ever trust him again? Because if you think that, then there's not much hope for your M.
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not sure if 180s or detaching would work. I truly have a life. Went out to dinner last night with a girlfriend and H called twice in three hours to say "hi", wonder where I was when I'd be home...
Sounds to me like it IS working. The idea of GAL is you feel better about yourself, and at the same time you create some mystery in the R. "Where is she? What is she doing? Am I going to lose her? Is she not just going to sit at home waiting for me? What's going on here, I thought I controlled everything?" These are the thoughts you want bouncing around in his head. As long as he thinks you are a safe alternative in case his main plans fall through, he'll never invest in saving the M.
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not sure if I should maintain a happy household....or be absent...detached.
See above, detachment is NOT being absent and it is mutually exclusive from maintaining a happy household.
