Hey LA, you have come so far in your sitch. Yours was one I followed when I first came here. I find it hard to keep up these days.
I could be wrong but it sounds like you are trying to minimize what you have done. Really does it make that much of a difference if it was two months or four? I know you feel bad for what you have done and just want to forget it. Your H needs to find some sort of closure to it, so he can get past it.
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M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
The other mindset I have to get out of is "H is the enemy." I realize now that I automatically assume (most of the time) that he's against me or doing something that he "shouldn't" be doing. Who is he talking to? Where is he going? Why is he doing that? Etc...
Not sure why I am so suspicious. Maybe this all started over the summer after our bomb when he started texting and emailing all kinds of women from his past.
One interesting thing came up in our therapy session. He told the MC I was texting with OM2 for "months." Yes, that's true, it was 2 months, technically that's "months." But when you hear something is going on for "months," you think 6,7,8,9 months. Not 2 months. Anyway, that's just an example of how H's word choices make things sound worse than they are.
Since you both have this infidelity history, have the two of you discussed being on a MUTUAL transparency plan with each other? Seems to me that would help you both with the trust issues, and the anxiety?
LA, I've been keeping up but haven't posted, sorry. I have the same problem with not understanding the meaning behind what H says, and I just posted an example on my thread. Like you, if I knew the reason, I would have been ok.
Since H has told you he is ready to work on the R, what differences have you seen? Are you breaking the old dynamics? Do you think your H can fulfill your needs?
Going to the new MC sounds like a good step. You've gotten good advice about keeping the expectations low. You sound like you are struggling with your feelings and a little bit like the WAS. Can you overcome that?
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Well, I'm struggling more than I thought I would be but at least I am starting to recognize my own patterns and think about my feelings rather than act on them. It seems like H is doing same. This is good.
Can he meet my needs? Maybe he can. We have a long hill to climb and it is going to be hard. One other thing I am noticing about myself is the amount of social stimulation that I need. I am a FB addict. I spend a lot of time here too. It's weird because I'm not all that outgoing so I have a hard time joining groups and showing up to things. I do it occasionally. But I get bored and then start looking for things to interest me. A big part of OM2 was fulfilling this need for excitement so to speak.
I have lunch with friends when I can but not being in an office every day now is hard for me. I was used to that. I guess it was part of my downfall too. I'm already pretty busy so I don't have time for more GAL but I guess I need to figure out some other way to get my social needs met. I have to figure out a way not to let boredom get the best of me...
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I could be wrong but it sounds like you are trying to minimize what you have done. Really does it make that much of a difference if it was two months or four? I know you feel bad for what you have done and just want to forget it. Your H needs to find some sort of closure to it, so he can get past it.
That is the vibe I got as well and I will warn you here, if you continue to do this, your H will not heal and you'll be out of piecing pretty quickly. What he wants is for you to understand how much you hurt him, how you made his worst fears come true, and to understand that you will never do it again.
My W has done the same thing over and over and I'm telling you, that just made me think 1) she doesn't think it's a big deal so she'll probably do it again and 2) she really doesn't care about my feelings.
I could be wrong but it sounds like you are trying to minimize what you have done. Really does it make that much of a difference if it was two months or four? I know you feel bad for what you have done and just want to forget it. Your H needs to find some sort of closure to it, so he can get past it.
That is the vibe I got as well and I will warn you here, if you continue to do this, your H will not heal and you'll be out of piecing pretty quickly. What he wants is for you to understand how much you hurt him, how you made his worst fears come true, and to understand that you will never do it again.
My W has done the same thing over and over and I'm telling you, that just made me think 1) she doesn't think it's a big deal so she'll probably do it again and 2) she really doesn't care about my feelings.
SS, Starsky and Breakdown are BANG on RLA. Seriously, this is the feeling. No matter the combined issues prior to the A's, you have to own it and deal with it so H can. The minimizing is at times more hurtful than anything. H is not trying to lay on a guilt trip. Who would want to make someone feel guilty their whole life and live with them? He needs comfort and assurance. That is different than being needy. Trust needs to be rebuilt. Believe me, my W would do the opposite of all things 4 therapists ( 2 were our MC's) plus all the literature from the best expert minds in the world on this topic and it blew up. Trust cannot be built either way. MWD spells out a clear roadmap that is the same as all the others too in DR. The Infidelity chapter is bang on of what needs to happen for you both. 2 months, 4 months...it nodes not matter if it was a day or a year. It was betrayal. Stop blaming yourself and stop blaming him and just follow the roadmap. Because trust was broken, it affects trust in all areas. For your H to even think of working it out is honestly a very brave thing to do in his shoes. A lot of strength, both of you. You both need to appreciate that, but don't expect him to feel that first. You wanted to be in this position, so take the advice and run with it. Read DR and the infidelity part. No need for pride right now...don't let that get in your way.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Ok, that's good advice, to re-read the infidelity part of DR and probably After the Affair too.
I can see how what I said could come off as minimizing. What irks me is that H takes the reality of the situation and skews it so it sounds like something that it really isn't, then plays that to his advantage so people will feel sorry for him. That is what is upsetting me. I didn't bring any of this up with him, but I suspect we have some of these discussions in our future.
So, it's not that I don't want to own what I did, I know I made the wrong choices. Gottman has some interesting things to say about the motivations for A's that made me feel somewhat better about it, but they were still the wrong choices. I just feel like he is making the situation worse by using these words, e.g, "She cheated on me twice" (not true), and "she was texting with OM2 for months" (technically true... but he also could have said 8 weeks and that would have been true too.) I am a strong believer in "framing things positively" so this disappoints me.
It has been a week now since we technically started piecing. H has not put back on his wedding ring and I have not mentioned it. I put mine back on immediately. I am a little frustrated because I see him as doing this not for me, but for the kids and to preserve his lifestyle. I guess that isn't a horrible thing, but it's clear it's not about me, just from his behavior. If there were not kids involved, we would have been over a long time ago I think.
He's locked his phone all of a sudden, he won't "re-friend" me on FB. A lot of me feels like he's going through the motions so he can say he tried. It doesn't really seem like any of this comes from the heart. These are just my thoughts; I am trying to keep my game face on for H but I think we have to explore this in MC. It's like he wants to try but also wants to hold on to the idea of getting out... for instance, he said, "I'll give it a year" and has repeated that many times.
Please let me know if my expectations are out of whack or if I am being too critical/cynical. That's where I tend to go, and negative thoughts have this way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies pretty easily.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Yes, your expectations are too high. He is scared and nervous too. Trust me, he is not looking for sympathy, he feels embarrassed by it. It is nothing a man, or likely a woman too would like to admit happening to them. Definitely re-read those books and if he would that would be good too, but don't pressure him. As the hurt spouse myself, I got a lot out of them. I do think you are being picky how he words the timing. Again, one day, one week, 8 weeks, 2 months etc...don't split hairs. It is trivial. Don't worry about the wedding ring. If your vows were like ours when you wed, the ring was given to you as a sign of his love and fidelity. You gave him his ring as a sign of your love and fidelity. This is why I took mine off for several months until she recommitted and then it went south again because of the trust piece was never dealt with. He may need privacy too and lock his phone. Don't think the worst of it as it could be that he is getting positive support from someone or group etc....kinda like this. Frame things positively as you said. Remember, he said he wanted to work on it. That is a big statement, but he is nervous to be hurt again.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
