First morning in a long time I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. After a LOT of thinking last night here is what I think happened but this could all be BS too. For last couple weeks, besides kid discussions, I've really enjoyed time with W. I thought she was too but not sure if anything more than friend type to just get through this. I am scared to death of being hurt yet again. I love my kids and family but when I look back for last 10 years W and I just haven't been good. More of a business partnership. My needs haven't been met in so long (and neither have hers) and I don't know if they could be at this point. While enjoying time with W I've also been preparing myself for life w/o her. Besides the huge impact to family (which is why we likely lasted this long) the thought of a fresh start and potential to feel loved is strong.. It's so confusing because my personal ultimate happiness and what i think is best for kids may not be on same path. I want so badly to be happy in my M but not sure that's with her. Maybe last night was some sicko defense mechanism in my brain??? I really have no idea??? I am so afraid of being hurt and feeling unloved that maybe I wanted to force this path. In back of my head i started thinking I could be happy with someone else and "blame" W for breaking up family since she filed. As I sit here I really regret it. Now I may never know if W and I could have become that happy M. Only thing I can say is I was a coward for being afraid of being hurt again.
I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I'm pretty sleep deprived and mind has been going 100 mph all night. Boy did I screw this up. Going to be a long day
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
