Thanks guys. I have no idea what my next step is or how to keep going at this point. I suppose I should try and (finally) detach and stay clear of her for a while. GALing may be a little tough for a few days. Things were finally feeling a little better and I was really starting to feel good about myself, I'm still shocked I could even let this happen. AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
First morning in a long time I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. After a LOT of thinking last night here is what I think happened but this could all be BS too. For last couple weeks, besides kid discussions, I've really enjoyed time with W. I thought she was too but not sure if anything more than friend type to just get through this. I am scared to death of being hurt yet again. I love my kids and family but when I look back for last 10 years W and I just haven't been good. More of a business partnership. My needs haven't been met in so long (and neither have hers) and I don't know if they could be at this point. While enjoying time with W I've also been preparing myself for life w/o her. Besides the huge impact to family (which is why we likely lasted this long) the thought of a fresh start and potential to feel loved is strong.. It's so confusing because my personal ultimate happiness and what i think is best for kids may not be on same path. I want so badly to be happy in my M but not sure that's with her. Maybe last night was some sicko defense mechanism in my brain??? I really have no idea??? I am so afraid of being hurt and feeling unloved that maybe I wanted to force this path. In back of my head i started thinking I could be happy with someone else and "blame" W for breaking up family since she filed. As I sit here I really regret it. Now I may never know if W and I could have become that happy M. Only thing I can say is I was a coward for being afraid of being hurt again.
I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I'm pretty sleep deprived and mind has been going 100 mph all night. Boy did I screw this up. Going to be a long day
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Don't beat yourself up too bad, Spartan. I did the same thing last September and had the same feelings that you do know. I felt like we were doing better and I ruined everything. I also feel like you do about being in a business partnership and not having your needs met, and feeling good about a fresh start.
So 4 months after I did what I thought was a deal killer, we are still having ups and downs. Everytime we start to do better together and I feel better about where we are, something happens. More times that not it is my H who starts to feel too good about us getting closer and has to justify his behavior.
You didn't screw up. You did a little backslide.
I, too, am afraid of being hurt again and my walls keep going up and I know that is not helping anything.
Focus on trying to do things for you and your kids over the next few days and give your W some space. It is hard not to think you ruined everything, but you didn't.
Keep your chin up!
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Spartan, it is when I decided totake all the walls down and put myself out there completely, that I began to be okay with the fact that H and I may never have an R again.
The letting go and vunerability is certainly not easy, because we know the pain.
As to the backslide, it happens-move on. You can wake up every morning with that feeling but it won't changed what happened. Just continue on.
Also, it is time to explore the thought of why you think you may be done and why you are DBing now.
Was wanting W back a gut reaction, or is this "Haven't been happy" a justification for your actions and feelings right now?
