Thank you for your kind words, CV. They mean a lot! No fast way out of pain, just got to keep going.
Jumping off a 3 story building believing you will live may be the second definition of insanity. We are talking about faith in a person, in an idea. If God came down and told you to jump off that building, you could do so in faith, otherwise, that's not faith.
Now, I'm not saying you don't have valid arguments here. My H is very gifted in the art of illusion. He can say an awful lot and make me believe red is blue.
But what you want are some assurances and you aren't going to get them. If you make yourself vulnerable, you could get hurt. No doubt about it. But if you don't, you aren't going to find out how sincere your H is. There are a whole bunch of spouses on here who screwed up and screwed up bad. And they are looking for another chance. Many of those corresponding WAW spouses may believe what you do... my H/W is a master of illusion and all this DB'ing they are doing is just complete BS. They aren't going to find out unless they open their hearts again. Some do, some don't.
Your H has not had the benefit of DB. And in many ways is sort of flitting about. He, again, knows something is wrong. He knows you are not happy and he wants to do something about it. And I repeat, if it were solely about sex, he could get that anywhere. Seen plenty of men do that. But it's very much about you. As I stated before, from an outsider's perspective, that's fairly clear.
So, it's decision time, my dear. You want in? Then you get in. Otherwise a part of your mind is always elsewhere. You are working on the marriage and the exit plan. And that doesn't work at all. There is no advice that will work here until that decision gets made. You will simply be spinning your wheels.
“Jumping off a 3-story roof and believing I'll be fine when gravity tends to prove otherwise would simply be foolishness”. This has nothing to do with faith, but everything to do with bad judgement. Gravity is the proof. You know the outcome based on the knowledge of gravity. You do not know the outcome of your sitch with the methods applied or to be applied yet. One can create their own negative outcome by prophesizing a negative outcome. I have faith in myself and you do too. Would you equate yourself to jumping off a building? I wouldn’t.
“FM, I agree that he's acknowledged his behavior, but I don't get the idea that he thinks it's bad.” He knows it’s bad because he has acknowledged it and tail is between his legs. Sorry for the dog metaphor again, but you know what I mean.
“His wish list indicates that he just wants me to accept it.” Your wish list will include that you won’t accept it, and nor should you. This will be worked on. He is trying because it not been kept in check for so long. With my W and I, she is very controlling and I was always too compliant with every whim. With our first MC I was taking notes as I wanted to learn. This bothered H and she did not want me take notes and refused to do anymore unless I stopped. The MC told me it was fine and I could if I wanted. In my one on one with the MC she told me it was my fault for letting W get away with controlling me for so long that she feels it is natural now and can get away with it. I was ‘conditioned’. Your H has been conditioned because he got away with it so long. This is where we all contribute to the relationship dynamics, like it or not. You can reverse it but it is not a switch. He does know it’s bad though.
“I'm missing this. How do I find that out?” As I said, it is over time as he slowly opens up. He has cracked the door open a little. Don’t yank it as it will scare him. I made that mistake. Trust me on that. You have been patient this far, you are doing well. Keep it going.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
"This bothered H"...obviusly I meant This bothered W. Nice typing Fluyd. I mean Floyd.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Hey, Soul, SS and LIS! Sorry I've been MIA. I was taking some time to focus on some personal goals. I find that when I spend a lot of time on this board, I become consumed by my M issues, and then lose my ability to detach, then lose my ability to GAL, then find myself falling into depression again, etc. I need to take a break now and then, but I miss everyone here when I do. I still like to follow other sitches, even if I don't want to talk about mine all the time.
I did throw in another attempt at my M the last two weeks. I'm not sure if I'm that gullible or if H is just that good of a salesman. I prefer to just think of it as "putting up my periscope." I believe it was Floyd that said that the lack of sex was a real barrier to progress, so I reengaged. I pretty much covered all his bases, including not opening deep discussions, not criticizing, doing his recreational things .... pretty much everything. H's love tank was full to the brim and he had no excuse for not reciprocating. But he didn't. So the playground is closed again. I'm okay with it. I tried it, it didn't work. And I'm not concerned that it was only 2 weeks, instead of something long-term. Two weeks is plenty of time to do something for your spouse. Oh, and I did ask him two specific things. He declined.
The only thing I will say was really odd is that during the two weeks, I almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Really weird. Sort of like I imagine a prostitute might experiences in order to have assembly line sex with strangers. Or maybe what an actress does playing a role. Just guessing. Anyway, there's no way it was going to go on for longer than two weeks. It was a little creepy. For me. H didn't care, or even notice; he was a happy, happy camper!
So, back to my corner!
In my personal growth area, I read about something new for me, something called over-functioning. I decided it fit me to a tee! Probably much better that codependence like I previously thought (self-diagnosed.) So I'm going to keep looking into that and work on managing it. It will help me in many aspects of my life, I believe.
The other thing I'm trying to narrow down is a negativity that comes across to some people. It's difficult to define, because I have many friends that seem to enjoy my company. And they're very much reciprocal relationships, meaning I invite them to lunch, they invite me. And some have even shared some completely unprovoked(?) compliments to me, about how they value my friendship so much. I guess I'm trying to say that circumstances indicate to me that they're authentic, mutually-enjoyable friendships.
On the other side of the coin, sometimes I just really set people off. I've done it on this site before. I'm trying to figure out what I put off, what I'm doing that comes across poorly. It's possible that it's just a matter of "you can't please all of the people all of the time," but it happens frequently enough to have me question. It does seem to happen mostly when the interactions are done in writing, so maybe that helps narrow it down. But anyway, it's just something I'm aware of and trying to identify. I don't need to be perfect and I can deal with less than everyone on the planet thinking I'm wonderful, but I'd just like to know what it is so I can make a conscious decision about it. Sometimes I might just choose to do it anyway.
Anyway, not much else happening on my end. LIS, anything new with you? Are you making progress? It's an ugly journey, I know. SS, I check your post occasionally. I'm in a position of learning from you more than being able to offer advice, sorry! But I can relate to so much of where you're at. And Soul, your sitch just breaks my heart! I wish I could give you some magic glasses that would enable you to see your H for real. I know you love him, but he just doesn't seem like he's worth the emotional energy you give him.
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out. Be warned people will come swinging that you didn't try long enough. Not me! I get it.
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out. I do understand what you are saying about the sex thing. I was never able to so much as hug my H... probably should have been my tip off there. Everyone can blame the final meltdown on me. I'm fine with it. But he laid down with another woman and I couldn't get myself past it.
Never heard of over-functioning but I'm definitely going to read up on that.
Yep, you set people off and it's not too difficult to see why. You are a very confident person. Some people read that as "cocky" rather than confident and in control of the situation. You could try again with your H for another 10 years, come back here with the same confidence you have shown regarding his issues, and someone will come along and swing a bat that you aren't paying attention to your own issues, you didn't try hard enough and you need to be more understanding of his needs. It's the packaging that seems to turn some off for whatever reason. And honestly? I wouldn't worry about it too much. Because I believe the only solution is to either not be so confident or pretend to not be so confident. You willing to do either of those things? And to what end?
Lots and lots and lots of drama in my situation which has resulted in nothing changing much other than my location. Went back to TN when a facebook pic of OW at my house showed up on my computer. I handled it well, though. I came back and told my H "I will burn this house down before OW sets one foot in this house again." LOL! Yep, COMPLETELY in control. Hahahaha
Miss you tons! But totally respect your need for a break. I took one for over a year!
Hey CV, glad to see you're still out there and making progress. I'm sorry things aren't working out, but I do see a lot of personal growth in your postings. I'm happy for you for that.
As for setting people off? That's the kind of board this is. You can't be you without *somebody* getting irked by it. That's life, right? Knowing and accepting that is growth
Happy trails!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
