This summer my W's demeanor towards me made a noticeable shift. She became distant and really indifferent towards me. Prior to this I thought we had a pretty good relationship. No affairs, substance abuse or other seriously detrimental issues with us. Thought for the most part we communicated fairly well, although room for improvement by both of us. I don't think either of us did a good job of opening up with our feelings/emotions. Particularly me, while I look back I think I played it safe and did not want to rock the boat. I wanted to provide a life for my W and kids where they didn't have to worry about anything. Boy was I wrong. Also, we did butt heads on spending and money management - not frequently but we definitely were not synced up in that regard.
After noticeable change in demeanor it took about one month of me asking what was going on and getting a response of "everything is fine". I finally reached through to W in September when she told me she felt no connection to me but it was nothing I had done nor was there anything I could do. There were some other ILYB like statements. She indicated that she would need some independence and space from me. We agreed immediately that we both needed IC and would seek MC when she felt up to it.
Fortunately for me I have a Family Assistance program through work and was able to immediately (on a Saturday night shortly after the bomb talk) connect with a counselor by phone who gave me very good advice to back off, give space, no touching or pushing for answers. So my pleading and begging were very minimal immediately after bomb. Although I did pressurize her on 3 occasions in September and October and W told me so.
Initially W indicated her feelings had nothing to do with any of my actions (or inactions). By gently asking questions here and there the first month after bomb I was able to get answers from her by early October that she was unhappy with our communications and unhappy with our marriage - particularly intimate communications. She also indicated some of our money disagreements. She also indicated that she didn't feel spiritually connected. Shortly thereafter, we started MC and have continued since. I have since learned that she had resentments and reservations about us building up for at least 3 years. Looking back, I now recognize some of the statements she made to me that were cries for help. I pushed those cries away. W has indicated that she should have pushed these statements with me further.
I have just finished DR and plan to reread and create a list of action oriented goals. I have read 5LL . [*] DR and [*] books and the DB forums have been very informative and helpful. I think as a result of the books and my IC and reaching out for support from some close friends I have received good advice on how to behave. These have also been great outlets for trying out things to say and venting. Therefore have not been pushing for answers or reassurance since October, not looking for hugs or other touching, found patience I didn't know I had, and learned a whole bunch about myself and our relationship.
During these last few months I feel like we have made good strides in communications, unfortunately, talking about the relationship is for the most part off limits so I can't practice what I've learned. I do feel during this time that the wall around W has risen (she has become more distant but still friendly). I have not attempted to invade this space and W has indicated that she appreciates that.
In addition to DB forums I have also read ebook "Survice Your Wife's Midlife Crisis" and with this information I am more convinced by wife is going through a transition. Although I have moved past labeling my wife, what I've read in "Survive Your Wife's ..." and the DB MLC and WAW forums really ring true for me. Just not sure how to label this situation and don't really care at this point. But understanding MLC and WAW has calmed me down.
Since the BD I had been doing better and felt we were making small improvements. Then in December I noticed a change in demeanor (more distance although communicated day-to-day nicely). Also, from the "connection" side of our relationship there was really no change since the BD. We existed like friendly neighbors. Later in December I started a conversation about us to apologize for what was happening and my past communications (really, bad listening skills). Felt I needed to make a heartfelt apology and I was probably hoping for a breakthrough. During this conversation W indicated to me that she would like to start a trial separation. Strangely, I felt relief that she opened up with me about this. She had already found a place for a 3 month rental. We talked to our MC about this and I guess if there is anything good about this is my W did share this with me within about 2 weeks of coming to this conclusion. Not holding in her feelings for a longer duration as she had done prior to BD.
We are now about 10 days into our separation.
We are in agreement wiht custody of the kids, finances, duration of the separation, rules of communications and getting together. She also wants to continue counseling, one of our weekly activities, and a "date night" (her words not mine).
I have rambled on but will make a few final points:
- There doesn't seem to be any indication of an EA or PA. Just nothing suspicious to suspect that and I don't think W would do that. She once talked a friend out of an EA turning into a PA. We have talked about it since BD and I believe what she has said. I don't feel any need to snoop. - Seems like symptoms of MLC - wants freedom and independence, thinks the kids are resilient and will be fine, doing more happy hours and drinking more (was never previously much of a drinker), has told me she'd like freedoms of her college days, paying attention to appearance and buy new clothes, indicated to me that she is on a spiritual journey and needs to find herself, the history of us has been revised from her standpoint. - Fortunately, has NOT abondonded the kids - Slept separately since October - Have had very little physical contact althought about 3 weeks ago she started giving me a hug here and there. Not hugs like we once did but light, friendly hugs. - I'm no longer giving too much thought to her actions or statements to me as I had a tendency to analyze the death out of everything. I have gotten better at that and instead am focusing on me and the kids. - Believe I am doing good things to take care of myself by improving my spirituality, exercising, understanding myself and my feelings, not blaming myself, and journaling. Just haven't slept very well in last 5 months. I have always been quite active anyway - runner, hiker, skier, biker. - No sexual issues and she has confirmed this (although no sex since BD). - Miss so many little things - our many private jokes and silliness, frequent texts and phone calls, running errands together, our walks, sleeping side by side always in contact, going out to eat spur of the moment, non sexual touching, taking about future retirement plans. Everything literally stopped overnight. - Both wife and I receiving IC and MC - I was a complete waste case at working during September and October. Doing much better now but still distracted mentally. - The separation is very painful and spending some of the time without the kids is excruciating. - I think I am doing well with detaching - I sincerely believe we are right for each other and very compatible. Right now W does not think that but I believe deep inside her she knows we are right for each other. She just couldn't have been faking things for 20+ years. But how can I know what is in her head.
For the pain I'm going through I believe it is worse for W. Believe she does not have full trust for me and fears falling back to "old relationship" if we were to reconcile (only speculating here). I do love her wholeheartedly and want to be there for her, have compassion for her, and understand things from her standpoint. I am patient and willing to take the time necessary. Also, I've remained positive around her and since early days after BD have not shown myself feeling down or saddened.
Internally, I'm afraid that she might not give enough time for herself to pass through this transition in her life before doing something drastic (an affair or hitting me with divorce papers).
Since the initial relief of W telling me about S I have felt much turmoil and fear but of course not shown this to her. I do feel these feelings are not overriding as I am detaching more and more. I do support this plan but naturally not comfortable about it. It at least gets us out of the stasis we were in and have to admit it is a bit more comfortable around house now that S has begun. I plan to give her the space she has requested and ony communicate as we have agreed during the S. I also have a positive attitude and have always been a glass half-full guy.
I know I can hold it together but do have moments of tremendous pain and crying silently.
Tnanks to all for reading this long post.
Last edited by dbmod; 03/26/1302:11 AM. Reason: Reference not recommended nor allowed
