Confused beyond belief

[Accuray]

Hi TigWinkle,

Your story bore some similarities to my sitch. I will spare you all the details, but I believe that your H was more in love with this OW than he is letting on. As a result, he's going to go through a phase of mourning that lost love, and that phase will likely be very difficult for you.

After he works through that, he may turn back to the marriage, he may turn to another OW, and he may decide to be alone. In my own experience, if you can "act as if", and appreciate if he will "act as if", then don't worry too much about his motivations. Don't worry if he is doing things "out of obligation" even though it hurts. How we feel often follows how we act, so if he starts "acting married", he may start feeling married again, although it may take a year or more to get there. In the meantime, he'll likely say mean or angry things, he'll make you feel like he doesn't care, and in general may do or say things that would make you feel unworthy. It's your choice as to whether or not you want to ride that out. You can get back to a better place, but not without a lot of pain and more time than you would think would be required.

"Detaching" is not about excluding him, or cutting him out of your life, or not doing favors for him. Detaching means that your emotions and self-worth are not driven by his reaction to you. If you are truly detached, then when he is mean to you, you feel sorry for him but it has no impact on how you feel about yourself. Detaching is about getting in touch with your inner strength and your self-worth, and using that to guide your emotions instead of a reflected sense of self based on how your spouse treats you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's going to take a long time to get back to good. What have you identified about yourself or your own behaviors that you intend to improve? What 180's are you most proud of, or do you intend to be most proud of?

Accuray