When I saw W after she got home we discussed her likely getting put onto a national website and I could tell she was excited. I reiterated how happy and proud of her I was for doing all this and I think she could tell I was genuine(180 for me from past). I haven't seen the look she gave me then in a LONG time. She even responded that I was a huge part of this and she couldn't have done any of it without me. Felt good and a 180 for her.
W also told me that she switched her L appointment to just a phone call rather than going there. Not sure why she told me this or if it means anything at all, probably nothing. That means she'll have S4 with her for call which may not be the most logical plan but not my problem.
And the twist, last night W asked me to help her with computer stuff. She was already on there but left to grab something just before I got there. She must have forgot her e-mail was open because on screen was her asking friend to 'tell her something so she doesn't think she's making a mistake going through with this' and friend's reply was she was suppressed for so long and she'll enjoy her life more when it's done. Friend has been D'd twice, doesn't have a pot to pi$$ in, and hasn't seen me or family in over 6 months so I didn't really care about her response. What surprised me was W seeming to have second thoughts, even if momentarily. I quickly got up and went to other room and started "looking for something" so she didn't think I saw it. When I got back it was closed and nothing was said. I know I shouldn't worry about what's going on in her head and it's likely a different thought already but I have to admit I thought about it a lot last night. It really shocked me. It's a whole lot different than a week ago when she basically said I was worst thing on the planet. Just shows that she really is confused and unstable.
Just updating you guys on my day. With all that I won't lie and say it means nothing, I have more hope than I did a few days ago when I felt on the verge of throwing in the towel. I know it's likely just some overflow good feelings after fun family weekend but I'll enjoy the moments as long as they last and not let my expectations get the better of me this time. Today I'm feeling normal and my attitude is in line and not all crazy like it would have been weeks ago. Not changing plan at all and will continue to work on me, have no expectations, and continue to GAL. I'm not about to jump back on the roller coaster again, the ride just isn't that much fun.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan I use to get worried sick about my W and her thoughts. I use to really hate when she would go out with friends because at the end of the day they just want to see her happy and will say whatever she wants to hear. I even hated what her counselor would say to her. I was floored by some of the things. I personally left 3 counselors because they all told me to D my wife. So I left.
Try not to snoop at all. It will crush you. As matter of fact when I first moved back that it what started our fallout again. I snooped and found stuff I didn't like.
You have the right attitude. Your W will say things because she is hurting and scared. At the end of the day you just got to keep working on yourself, enjoy your kids, and become a man only a fool would leave. If she then decides to leave, she is a fool. You left no stones unturned. You can't depend on your W or anyone else for happiness. Ever. What if W got hit by a truck tomorrow. Then what.
The roller coaster ride blows. Stay off it and keep doing what you're doing.
Your W switched to a phone call. This is good. My W did phone calls, in office visits, you name it. The idea is to make your W's decision about divorce a tough one. So keep doing the right things.
ALL my w's friends are divorced. They are all men and divorced. It use to drive me nuts. Actually still does a little. But I try to focus on the things I can control. That is me
W had a L call today and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious what was discussed. I'm happy to report I didn't ask a single question when I got home (I'm not usually good at keeping mouth shut when something is on my mind so I'm happy with myself). I was worried about it during the day because I know if I would have said anything it would have likely started a talk I didn't want to have. Just before walking in door I reminded myself to only do things that will bring W closer to me rather than push her away. I kept busy with kids and worked out and never really thought about it until W went to bed. I just now thought to myself "huh, that wasn't so hard" and figured I'd post it. The part that is really surprising to me is I don't really even care anymore, whatever they talked about was between them and nothing I can do about it so no need to worry. I was actually very upbeat with W and kids tonight.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Great job Spartan! I recall getting a L invoice addressed to my W in the mail and just handing it to her while sorting the mail one day saying "this looks to be yours" I also found a marriage certificate in her car (which is needed to initiate divorce) and ignored it. 3 voicemails from L left on our home phone and ignored it. 5 recordings on DVR about divorce and ignored it. My W even wrote a check with our joint account to the L and I ignored it. It is tough to do and believe me I wanted to snap her in 2 (ACOA issus) at the time but it is out of your control. Great job. The more you ignore her BS the better you will be off. It took me so long not to "react". This is a skillset that is valuable for DBing but also in life. My counselor once challenged me to just listen the next time I disagree with what someone is saying. Listen and do not say a thing. Even if I disagree. That is brutally hard. Great job for you!!
One thing to prepare yourself for. I got to the point where I was ignoring her BS so badly and not bringing up R talk at all that it eventually drove her to confront me or bring it up to me. Just be prepared for that. Rehearse a canned statement in your head and be prepared to walk away. I always used "Divorce is not the path I want to take for this family, you have the free will to do what you want". she will throw out lines after you say this. Like "its better then being miserable in a marriage, blah blah blah. DO NOT GET PULLED IN. Say what you want to say and STFU. Walk away. Say it calm and smooth and walk. Not saying to use what I use. But whatever it is have it memorized and be ready to walk.
Your W will continue to push your buttons. Look at them as small tests. Each test you pass brings her closer to you.
I am proud of you because I know how hard it is to ignore stuff like lawyer calls.
Wow, family was at D7 swim practice having a good old time and S4 was playing on W's phone when OM called (same guy she lied about in my initial post). I'm so pi$$ed right now. I don't know why but I thought when we said we wouldn't see others until after D she would actually honor that. I know I shouldn't say anything but boy do I want to. Will her lying ever stop??? I also want to call him to tell him to back the F off but that won't get me anywhere. I don't know what to do. So mad and hurt (again). I $uck at detaching
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan, sorry this is happening. Calm down. As you said, telling the OM off won't help. What did he do? Did he actually speak to your W? I know this is not DBing, but I would tell her, "hey, the OM called while S4 was playing with the phone," and see how she reacts. The DB way would be to ignore the call. That's your call. Whatever you do, only do it when you've calmed down.
No she didn't answer just let it go to V-mail. If she would have I may have chucked her phone into the pool . My mom called when we were driving home and i probably shouldn't have answered. My mom could tell I had an angry tone and something was wrong so I'm sure W knows I know. I was in good mood before call. Not saying anything to her, she just isn't worth my time. Putting kids to bed then watching a movie.
How am I ever supposed to trust her when she can't stop the lying? I've really tried.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Oh good, when is the next meeting of the non-detachers club?? I'm in...
Seriously Spartan, how did she lie? Aren't you just guessing? What if OM called her and she has not been calling or seeing him? You can't know this. I also know it's super hard not to react to past behaviour, but the decision to trust is just that, a decision. And if you are not at the point where you can trust, how about just saying to yourself that you cannot make anyone else's decisions, only your own.
So if W broke her word, this is not your decision and you have to know that there is nothing you can do that will make someone else act as you want.
Free will is a bit of a b*tch sometimes, but wouldn't trade it for anything..
We create many things in our minds to support what we're feeling.
I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I've never felt lower or more ashamed than I do right now. W noticed i was upset and picked fight and stupid me jumped in. I haven't leaned a dang thing. It escalated and I told her I saw phone and I was sick of the lying. She asked what I thought I saw and I said she knew exactly what I saw. She said she's sick of the accusations and this is exactly why she's getting out because i hadn't really changed and I never would. Guess what, it wasn't OM's number, it was very close but not his. It was one of her friends. I can't believe how stupid I am. I just blew months of DBing and likely lost my family and any chance with W. If I were her I wouldn't R with me. I make myself sick!!! How in the world could I be that stupid???
Please no 2x4s on this one, I honestly don't know if I can take one right now. I know what I did wrong. Just disgusted...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. My mom called when we were driving home and i probably shouldn't have answered. My mom could tell I had an angry tone and something was wrong so I'm sure W knows I know. I was in good mood before call. Not saying anything to her, she just isn't worth my time. Putting kids to bed then watching a movie.