So, this might be my last thread. I DB'ed on and off since March of 2011, when my H's A was in full bloom (without my knowledge.)
His A ended, but he said he wasn't 100% committed to our M bc something in the back of his head drove him to seek "something different." He wanted the excitement of a new R; he didn't want comfort or stability. He wanted adventure. We saw a MC--who was terrible--and even though my H had a brief period in which he was 100% committed, he went back to being 80% committed, to not sure, to wanting to move out. He moved out in Feb 2012. When he moved out he said he was pretty certain he would eventually come back. But at the end of April he said he wanted a D. That's when I started seriously DB'ing. Joined the board in June 2012. I thought DBing was working really well (too well) but in Sept 2012 he announced he wanted a D so he could "move on." He filed.
In December of 2012 he seemed to be coming around again, which brought my hopes up, but when I asked whether we should delay the process, he said he still wanted to "move forward." That I was the perfect wife on paper and that my changes would make our M potentially good, but he still wanted a fresh start. He wanted to date casually and learn what he really wanted in a R. He said he never had the chance to do this bc he was too young when we got M.
I went on a well-deserved vacation and decided I deserved much better. I gave up. Now, we're going through the D process, which has brought back the sadness and angry feelings to my life.
I'm aware the D will be finalized (don't even see potential for a miracle here) but even though I couldn't "bust" my D, at least I grew as a person and met all on you, my friends.
Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I wish for a different ending? Yes. Do I feel that letting go is in my best interest? Yes. Do I think my H will realize his mistake and try to come back to our R? Yes. Do I think that when he tries to come back, he will have already lost me for good? Most probably, though not 100% sure, since I do love him unconditionally--even if I'm extremely angry at him and can't believe the way he's behaved. Do I need your support and advice? Yes. I really do.
What can be said to make you feel better?? Unfortunately not much, except I as a christian love you. We all know and empathize with your feelings. Take care of yourself Tori, you are beautiful in God's eyes. Keep working and growing, that is the only way forward. Anything else is just BS and they will crash and burn. Be Courageous, Be Bold and Be Authentic
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Love your new title, not so much the comment about maybe a last thread though.
You have given many of us hope, wonderful advice, and even better, been there for us when we have needed someone. You know I / we will be here for you in the best ways we can.
Do I wish things were different? Yes. Do I wish for a different ending? Yes. Do I feel that letting go is in my best interest? Yes. Do I think my H will realize his mistake and try to come back to our R? Yes. Do I think that when he tries to come back, he will have already lost me for good? Most probably, though not 100% sure, since I do love him unconditionally--even if I'm extremely angry at him and can't believe the way he's behaved. Do I need your support and advice? Yes. I really do.
Tori, I really like how you've worded that. It's pretty much how I've been feeling recently.
And you're not giving up. You're just going to live your life and let your H live his. Who knows what the future holds?
I'm sure you're going to have a great life, no matter what happens.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
^^^ you have been an absolute rock Tori. A light in the dark places. No ones story ends just because the D was busted or not. I have enjoyed your company and insight and sometimes feel as if I walk in the footsteps you've left concerning your R and the way H has been behaving. " live where you fear to live" my friend. You are a shining example n
Tori - As others have said your story doesn't end here with D. Maybe a chapter ends but a new one will start and I know the next chapters will be amazing. Your book is far from finished and I hope I can keep in touch for the happily ever after part. You are an amazing person and have been an inspiration to many.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Do I think that when he tries to come back, he will have already lost me for good? Most probably, though not 100% sure, since I do love him unconditionally-
Tori, you could very well be right about him eventually coming back, it doesn't sound like he's 100% sure of anything he'd done, more like he's flitting around trying different things on for size. I read a story not too long ago in piecing where a WAH wanted to return after 2 YEARS. The LBW had become so detached that she didn't know what to do at that point. And a friend of mine and his wife are also reconciling after 2 years of S (they never did get D). So you never know.
Courageous, bold, and authentic. You said, it Subguy. Thank you. I love you too, and I know that staying close to God is the most important key to overcome any challenge, including this one.
Andrew, thank you for the support and kind words. This might be my last thread, but I will continue checking on you guys from time to time. Plus I will post when something significant happens--e.g. my book becomes a best-seller, winning the lottery, dating Zac Effron, etc :-)
Eyesopen, you're right. Now I decide where to go. I know I don't want to waste one more second, but I also want to be patient and kind to myself, so if I feel sad for a while or not motivated, I'll let it be.
Sweetbaby, I'm not familiar with your story, so I see how you're feeling the same. It's good we're here for each other.
Ruby, thank you for your words. You've been there for me too, and I will check to see if you were able to start your own thread.
Spartan, I read your post many times. It makes me feel so good about myself. Thank you.
AS, you're right. We never know. My H is the only serious R I've ever had, so it's hard to imagine having that level of closeness and intimacy with anyone else...but we'll see. His affair and subsequent "dating" escapades kind of ruined the image I had of him and of us. So it doesn't feel that special anymore. I'm a hopeless romantic, and this definitely killed the romance. The love is still there, though.
Grace, good mental image. I'll shelve my feelings on the highest shelf.
Thank you all. Today was okay. No news from my H, so that's good. His uncle and cousins have commented on the fb pictures I posted of the CA trip. So I'm sure he's reading the comments and looking at the pictures through their pages. Wish you guys could see the pictures. They're awesome. One of my favorites is the picture of a giant crab made of sourdough bread that they made at Boudin. Very cool.
