Huge mistake, what do I do now ...

[notsurewhat2do]

I wish I could delete this post. Actually a day after I posted it I wished I could delete it. I was feeling so many things that I couldn't deal with them all at once. I was venting, explaining, yelling, complaining ... everything here. I've not said half of those things to H. And I never will.

I do regret saying what I did about the situation and OW. I don't like her and it's hard being the bigger person and not to resort to teenager like behavior. But I am now. My friends all admire me and tell me all the time how well I'm handling him and the situation. I don't feel like anyone pitys me or feels sorry for me for my actions. I think they do feel bad that I'm in the situation because I've stuck by my H for 21 years and he's left me for someone else.

And I do regret to the extent of what DD knows. And I've apologized to her for treating her more like an adult than a child. She is mature for her age and handles things like a champ. But I will not lie when she asks questions. She has told me several times, she lovees her dad, not what he has done, but she loves him and always will. She doesn't want to be around OW yet, but she will eventually. And yes she knows about the first time H left because she overhead us discussing it the night he left.

I still haven't apologized to H. The opportunity hasn't arose yet. But we are fine with each other. We text about things (DD, taxes, business), H makes a few jokes when texting, today we've been making a decision about DD going on a "group" date tomorrow night and H called me explaining what he was going to tell DD.

I am good now. Detaching is hard. And obiviously I'm not doing it very well. But grin and bare it I will! But I am GAL... working on getting super, high school, skinny . I'm going out with friends, handling my own car issues and doing thing around the house (decorating and such). I do things for me (like bible study and weight watchers) and I spend time with DD.

DD and I are okay. We have our own routine. Although, she's spent 3 afternoons this week with H. Today he got suckered into taking her to get her nails done. (I still say she uses him, but whatever ... that's between them).

I didn't waste 22 years on H. And actually H will even say we had a good 21 years. Did we have a best marriage ever? NO, but I thought it was solid and it was up till 3 years ago. If H is in MLC ... then it s*cks! I read an article about a skier getting a divorce and she said she was just so very unhappy that she had to get out. I think that describes H. I think he is very very unhappy with how his life is going. I NEVER threw it in his face that I made more money, ever. Actually, I kept financial problems from him to keep him feeling bad about the fact it was contributing as much (yes, probably a bad idea, but at the time it worked) I only said once to him that "he had to do something" and that was when things started coming to a head I think. But for 3 years I accepted how things were in quiet, I never voiced how I felt or overwhelmed I felt, except that once in January (last year).

I love my husband, but I can't change what has happend. I can't change the past. I can only look forward to the future. Do I want to see it without him? NO! But it's not my choice at this point. Can I be happy without him? YES! I can! I have no choice. I'm not going to live my life where my happiness is dependent on someone else, I can't. Life is too short! But boy, is the unknown scary .....