I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

My H and I are both in our mid-30’s, been married 8 and together over 12 years that included 3 years of long distance relationship across the ocean.

Last year was tough. We started trying for a baby and found out I had issues that required a surgery. After the surgery, I rushed big time to start an inf treatment right away because of my age. I started an inf treatment using injections and my hormones must have been out of control. In the middle of the treatment in July we were arguing about something and I was accusing him of how he doesn’t emotionally support me about this recurring issue we had. He completely broke down like I’d never seen and said we are not even in a healthy relationship to be having a baby. We sat down and talked but he just looked sad and distant. I had never seen him that sad. I completely admitted to my fault (which I’d almost never done before because I’m the kind of person in this relationship I always had to be right), promised him that I’d go to IC (which I made an appt within a week and gone quite few times) etc. We made up few nights later and we had an incredible intimate night. We stopped the treatment half way through. After that, things were going smoothly… or so I thought. I thought I was doing everything right after coming to a realization (i.e. initiating sex every Friday like it’s scheduled, planning mini trips for the weekends.)

He seemed to be happier at first but I noticed the sad face from time to time and I got rejected when initiated sex few times.I knew deep in my heart he was still hurt but I chose to think everything was getting better. I thought I came to a realization why he wasn’t happy, but the truth is I didn’t. I was so focusing on making up for my past actions that every new thing I was doing seemed forced/planned. (And I'm an incredibly organized person by nature) It may have looked to his eyes I was doing all that out of guilt only. The more change & effort I was making seemed to be making him even sadder. Another biggest mistake I made during this time was that I started showing him how sad I was about not getting preg anytime soon.

Fast forwarding to late Oct, his dad decided to divorce from his 4th wife of 15 years, which we had no idea about. His news did something to my H. He dropped D on me few days after, which completely shocked me. He told me he doesn’t expect the change to come overnight but he feels like his well-being is suffered. When we sat down together again he did tell me his dad telling us the news did something to his head. I really did NOT want to hear that. So our relationship will end because your dad’s action teaches you to leave your relationship when it’s in trouble? (I didn’t say that but that’s how I felt) He also said he felt we should not have a baby that will end up just like him (His parents divorced when he was little but he still remembers being passed around in parking lots etc) – it broke my heart. The first few weeks I did everything wrong. I asked him many questions, told him my feelings and tried to light up the situation and wanted him to see the light too. He was confused, he wasn’t ready and quite frankly I think he was already given up. He told me he feels weird around me, he feels different about me. I asked if he resents me badly and he said “no” really fast. He said he’s just really sad and he thinks he’s really damaged.

Around the time he removed his ring and started sleeping in the guest room.I was desperate. I was definitely not seeing any light like I did in July. I cried like I’d never have. My family and friends were worried and some of my friends strongly suggested that I should kick him out if he really wanted BD. My family (esp my mom) however opposed against the idea the whole time. My mom wanted me to be patient little longer. I was still going to ask him to leave because it was getting just too hard. On the day I was going to ask him, I changed my mind all of a sudden and decided to not ask him to leave.

After a couple of weeks of emotional hell, I snapped out of something and really started thinking about all this and myself. I started going for a walk alone, going to Starbucks alone, going shopping alone, taking Christmas pictures for my friends, working with animal rescue group etc. While spending lots of time to myself, I was able to really understand what he really wanted to tell me and what I chose to ignore in this relationship.

For the past 2 months, I really focused on changing myself. I think twice before I judge someone or something, before I say I don’t like something etc. Doing this has really helped me become calmer person. I was an extremely negative person before BD. I would even tell my H that I like to think everything negatively so if things don’t turn out the way I want, I wouldn’t be too disappointed. I mean… who wants to be around somebody like that? Now I think about it I must have been falling into a slight depression due to the baby issue. My whole family is in my mother country and I solely counted on my H for emotional support. Poor H, it was just too much for him.

Throughout the holiday, neither one of us brought up D or S. We went to his MIL on both TG and Christmas and had a good time. We were still sleeping in separate rooms but I’d make dinner on weekdays and we’d eat together, watched tv together, talked about other things, still went to eat out on almost every Friday night but just not going out together on weekends like we used to do all the time. He goes to his buddies house and I’d go work with a rescue group, go out with friends or just stayed home doing house work. Just few days ago he finally brought it up again saying he needs to continue on doing what he needs to do to be happy. He said it’s taking a toll on him by living like this, he felt distancing himself would help reinforce with me his feelings that he knows he’s doing the best thing for him and he’ll move out pretty soon. I still feel pretty desperate but strangely I feel somewhat relieved (?) to know something is actually going to happen. He’s right. It’s taking a toll on both of us. It was killing me to know know where his feelings were. Now I know he still wants to move out.

After knowing his feelings, it has become so much easier for me to kiss/hug him good night. For some reason I wasn’t scared of touching him anymore. Before I was too afraid to even touch him because I was afraid that I’d get rejected. I’d like to keep giving him a hug and a peck until he moves out but what I want him to know is that I’m supporting his decision all the way. The last thing I want him to think is that I started being physically affectionate because I want him to change his mind about leaving.

How can I be loving and still encourage him to move out?