Also, as I've thought about things and without her taking the test, the best I can determine is that her LL is "acts of service". How do I implement this now?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
So, DBing, don't bring up R talks and don't pursue and such.....is there a way for me to open the door for an apology and to let her know she can talk to me when she is ready? What I want to do is apologize and let her discuss the stuff with her ex-H and what happened between me and her so that I DO understand...rather than her just getting angry at me and making accusations.
I think you're well past the point of apologies doing any good. Just make a mental note of it, if you ever get to the piecing stage you can bring it up then.
Originally Posted By: jzoom
Also, as I've thought about things and without her taking the test, the best I can determine is that her LL is "acts of service". How do I implement this now?
It sounds like you were already doing a lot of AoS before she left (cooking, housework, laundry, watching her kids). Right now it's more important that you detach and pull back then try to show her any LL work. Just back off. If she decides she wants to work on things then you can implement LL.
Ok, on the apology I think I get it. Right now, if I were to try and apologize and open the door to talking it's still just going to come off of as pursing/needy behavior. No matter if I truly intend to apologize and follow through she's going to see it as a hollow farce to get her to come back. By continuing to detach and pull back I stand a chance (small I know) that she'll get interested again. IF she decides to work on things with me then I can apologize and continue to show her with my actions. Am I on the right track?
AoS...well, I was doing the laundry but she still most of the cooking. Watching the kids was here and there and I think a lot of it was passive-aggressive on my part. When I say AoS I mean the really small things, those small loving acts. But once again, not really a way to do that when she's not even sleeping in the same house as me. Me bringing down the boxes of shoes was a small AoS, so I guess just being helpful at times like that is the most I can do.
I had thought about sending a response text to her not remembering what she wanted this morning of "You wanted me ;)"...
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
"had thought" past tense...thinking that it would be a cocky/funny/confident/your loss kind of thing...then thought that this isn't the time...haven't sent it and won't.
So basically, no more apologies, just let my actions speak for themself. If she wants to work on things I keep a mental note of what happened and so it's going to have to be avoid sexual touch and talk and build comfort until/if she brings any of it up.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
^^^ What MrBond said. And do it for YOU. Change your focus to you. THAT is what will get her attention. It's not a lot different than dating. Assuming you've dated several women, were you more attracted to the ones that were overly clingy or the ones that maintained detachment? Speaking for myself, I couldn't drop the clingy ones fast enough. Sometimes I just opened the car door and slowed down a little as I passed their house and told them when to jump (kidding!)
Hahahaha....actually, haven't dated much. First person I dated I married and then just a little sporadic stuff after divorce until the most recent ex-gf.
Yes, ok, makes sense. Do it without a word and it gets noticed. The essence of do something different and do a 180.
Now, maybe I'm thinking in a 360 here, but since what I want is for her and the kids to come back and make it OUR home...do I put out suff of theirs since I don't want to pack it up and give the "get out" impression? Photos of them on the wall, flowers I know she likes on the table, make the place inviting unlike I did before?
Wait wait, doing that is going to be viewed as going over the top and coming off as fake. It's going to be viewed as needy/clingy/pursing behavior. "Look what I did for you, put out all of your stuff to make you feel comfortable because I want you to come home because I'm so lonely without you."
Hmmmm, maybe I'm starting to get this idea of asking myself if what I'm about to do will take me closer to my goal or further away.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
By doing the stuff with the toys you're trying to manipulate what she thinks or won't think. And you could be way off base. AGAIN just do what YOU want to do without thinking if whether or not she's going to react favorably or infavorably towards it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Right, that's why as soon as I got that snippit of a thought I realized it was a bad idea. Focusing on her and not me, trying to manipulate which is in itself fake. So when i get those passing thoughts I'm asking myself the question, getting myself to slow down before acting or overthinking things.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
