Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

LJC, feel free to use Cockney rhyming slang. I love it, even if I don't always know what it means and if I do make it make to London again it might come in handy.

I'm not counting on the money. It would be great if I get it, but I'm almost ready to consider it a sunk cost. If it comes, it'll make paying for next semester a lot easier, but at this point I'm ready to move on with or without the money.

I think that H won't even consider the possibility of reconciling until we're D and don't need to have any contact with each other at all. I don't know if I'd even take him back at that point, but I won't have a chance at a relationship with anyone until we get a D.

[sweetbabyred]

AS, thanks for giving me your view on M. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding that not everyone thinks the same way I do on certain subjects.

I agree, I don't want to go back to the old marriage. I want a better one where we're able to communicate our needs. But at the same time, we are still legally married.

I guess I just need to agree to disagree on what being married means.

[tori2012]

Sweetbaby, you said, "AS, thanks for giving me your view on M. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding that not everyone thinks the same way I do on certain subjects." Agree. One of the hardest things for me was to accept that my H doesn't see things the same way I see them, and that it's not a good idea to expect him to behave as I would behave, bc we're two different people. This applies to any R, not just M.

How often do you talk to your H?

Also, don't worry about the children issue too much. Women can have babies well into their 40's, and there's always adoption. Focus on solving the current dilemma first.

[Soul.Searching]

That was one of my problems too. Just because something is special and means something to me, doesn't mean someone else has to feel the same. Actually I think karma made me realize this. Last Australia Day my H wanted to go golfing. I thought it was a family day and we should spend it together as a family.
Well tomorrow is Australia Day. H is taking my kids camping tonight for Australia Day. So this year, I won't even have my kids with me. Karma? Who knows but it made me realize.

I have a family member who not long had a baby, she is 43.
Get through this first.

[sweetbabyred]

Tori, since he's officially been with OW I rarely speak to him. I text or email about the two bills that we had and usually put a friendly "hope you're doing well" at the end.

I don't call him and he's called four times since Sept -Halloween when his mother had surgery, early December when he broke up with OW for a day, early Jan because CES reminded him of me, and a week ago Sat to "see if I was ok".

We may have texted non-financially a half dozen times in the last four months.

I'd decided over the summer to let him have more of an idea what life would be without me and, although I'd answer his calls, I wouldn't call him and would rarely text.

Why did you ask?

SS, I'm sorry to hear that you'll be without your kids on a day that's special to you. I hope you get a chance to go out and do something to take your mind off of it.

SS and Tori, I know I need to deal with my current issues before I even begin to worry about what could happen in the future. I'm getting better, but obviously still have a ways to go.

[LJC]

The above posts are interesting. When W hit me with the BD I was gutted and confused why she could just up and leave. I believed in my marriage thru thick and thin and thought we could deal with what ever life threw at us but her view on the marriage was obviously different. She threw in the towel at the first hurdle but this goes to show we thought differently on what M means.

The thing that saddens me is W likes to take the easy route and I'm sure she will go find someone else (easy) as opposed to noticing a change in me and trying to R (hard). But I guess that is human nature?

Chin up Sweetbaby, look at what you have achieved and focus your energy on future goals!

[tori2012]

Sweetbaby, I asked bc I wanted to know if there were opportunities for positive interactions.

Here is an idea. Next time you have to email him or text him for a financial reason, add a little funny or quirky comment, or an insider joke. I'm thinking that in order for him to notice any changes, etc, it would be good to have some interaction. However, the OW is in the picture, which makes the WAS not notice most changes. Tough one.

What are you doing for yourself?

[sweetbabyred]

Tori, I can try that the next time I text him. Car insurance is due in about three weeks, but I may ask him about the bonus at the beginning of Feb.

I've been trying to stick to the facts only, so that OW can't use me as an excuse to get mad, so if they argue, it can't be about anything I've done. Since I've given up any expectation that he'll come running back, I guess it can't hurt to switch things up.

At the beginning of Dec, he'd sent me an email asking for me to only send Chase quickpay requests and not to contact him for any other reason.

Then we spoke when they broke up a week later (for a day) and on Christmas when he texted I told him that I wasn't sure how/if I was supposed to contact him and that I'd follow his lead. He said he wasn't sure either, so I've been keeping contact to a minimum.

Doing for me? Last week I went skydiving and to a happy hour with friends. I also hosted two singles events and spent the one last night talking with one of the event contacts, who happened to be cute and single.

I'm sure I'll never see him again, but it was nice to talk to a guy who doesn't know my sitch. It also gives me hope that I can meet people if/when I do get a D.

Before work last night, I went to a local beauty school for a facial and pedicure. I've hardly worked this month, and my school work just isn't keeping my attention, so I'm trying to stay busy.

I also have some friends trying to set up another happy hour on Monday, so we'll see what happens.

Actually, I'm doing too much for me! I really need to be working and studying. And of course, I put a lot of it on fb, so that if H is checking, he can see that I'm not sitting at home and moping over him.

[sweetbabyred]

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've posted. I've still been reading along, but school has kept me too busy to report.

I've noticed on other threads a discussion about being unsuccessful if you end up D. I admit that my mind is entirely on school, so I've been thinking about this in terms of group projects.

When most of us found this site, we were so upset and couldn't figure out what was happening or why. Then we learned skills to help us become better people and how to communicate and be better partners.

So we've all been doing our parts to fix our faults and ensure we don't go back to our old ways. But, like with any group project, our part can be amazing and perfect, but if the other members don't pull their weight, turn in things late or incomplete, or just give up, it doesn't matter how great we've done-overall the project (M) will fail.

As we've all learned, we have no control over our spouses, but no matter how our sitch eventually ends, if we've done the absolute best we can, we have been successful.

Ok, time to get back to research.

[sweetbabyred]

So I woke up this am, at 1:42 am and had no idea why. Then I saw that I had a text from H. It just said "just wanted to let you"

I was confused, but decided to go back to sleep. About six minutes later I get three or four messages in a row, telling me that he's waiting on tax documents, one from a company he didn't remember the name of, but hasn't forgotten that I need them to file. He also mentioned that he's glad I'm doing well.

I'd thought he was going to say he was going to file, since he's getting his bonus check this month. At this point, I think I'm okay with that, because I want the opportunity to date too.

I responded this afternoon, thanking him and giving him the name of the company-it was an event he'd worked with me.

I've realized that I don't think about H nonstop anymore. Before I would text H if I had some sort of reason to. And I'd decided that since I'd be requesting car insurance money around the 10th, I'd just wait until then to remind him about taxes, etc. So it was strange that he contacted me first.

I guess I could have tried to be more conversational, but I just didn't feel like it. And I'd asked him before to contact me about this stuff during normal business or daytime hours, so I was a little annoyed to get it just after I finally went to sleep.

On a positive note, I went out to lunch with some friends yesterday and had a great time. And tonight I hosted another singles happy hour. It was a much older crowd, but I still got hit on, as usual.

If/when I am single, I'm not sure who I want to date. I don't want a much older guy, but I don't want a younger guy who might still have a MLC in his future.

No point worrying about that now, so I'll put it off til later.