For the past 6 months, I have been going over things that I have done to drive my wife to this point in our marriage. Of course, she does a pretty good job of pointing out my shortcomings. It doesn't take long to see a grocery list of things that I could change. I have been making changes to many of them, but I am not perfect and will backslide at times.
Some of the stuff I have been accused of:
Steamrolling my way in every major purchase decision we make. When we were looking to purchase our first home, I insisted that we have a stand alone property. My wife was looking at condos, but I was not open to that. We could not afford a single family home, so we opted for a mutil family and lived in one unit, saving money for the purchase of our present home. We are upside down in the rental because of the real estate bust. My wife is very bitter that we are invested in that property. It is a lot of work (she handles leases and I handle maintenance), and it just breaks even. She wishes she had never seen the place. The home we are in now is nice. We looked at many. She found it, but I didn't like it from photos. When I saw it in person, I liked it a lot. My memory says she was very excited about it as well, but she has told me she just wanted it so we could stop looking.
I have champaign taste. I tend to spend more than I can get away with because I insist on high quality. Improvements to our home have been very expensive. They turn out very well, but my wife doesn't want to spend that much money. I push and she gives in. I could go on, but you get the idea.
I used to call my wife multiple times through the day because I was bored and wanted to talk. She was my best friend. My job can be quite lonely because you are never in the same location for long and the people you work with are constantly changing. It's difficult to get to know others well enough to have meaningful relationships with them. My wife would complain that she didn't want to talk. I would take it personally. I might no say anything about it, but she could tell i was upset. Of course everything this would happen it would make her not want to pick up the phone.
In my interactions with our children, I was often very disconnected. Our oldest child has been a challenge. One psychologist is thinking she may have been misdiagnosed ADHD when she may really be dealing with autism. In the beginning, I wouldn't listen to my wife about how to deal with the kids. I knew the right way of doing things and it was to kill ants with sledgehammers. Lots of fights over this. I was wrong and have admitted it and apologized, but the damage was done.
I could go on with more but won't the 180's I have done lately? I have stopped pressing for my way in every purchase decision we make. I often will ask my wife what she wants and I will validate her decision and go with it. I don't make any purchases without her input. We agree before the purchase. My wife is a spendthrift, so I have begun making sure I use all the discounts I can find before I buy ANYTHING.
I have a newfound relationship with our kids. This is partly because of our marriage problems, but mostly it's because of my IC sessions and me recognizing that I have always held myself and others up to too high a standard. I have really pulled a 180 here, and I know my wife can see it. She has mentioned it to the counsellor.
When on trips, I no longer call her every day. In fact, I hardly call her at all. I have been attempting to not go totally dark, but get very dim. At first this seemed to have a positive effect. Now it just seems to give her more time away from me which she has told me she likes. I was actually told by her that when I leave for work she breathes a sigh of relief.
Another 180 is not asking her what she's been doing or what she's been up to. She has gotten VERY reactive if I say anything even remotely reflecting that I am curious about her activities or or what she has done during her day. I feel that SH thinks I am big brother. That, of course would be attributed to jealousy. Jealousy leads us into dance clubs and I will save that for another post.
You are right. I DO read into communications. I look for any sign of life that I can because either there is none, or I don't recognize it when it is there. The kisses were my "act as if". Guess I don't understand. She DID tell me I could have kissed her goodbye.
Thanks for your open and frank input. I really don't know what I am doing. I'm considering calling up one of the DB coaches, but we run such tight and transparent books (a healthy thing, I feel) that it will be immediately evident to my wife that I am talking with them. I have not given her DR and have no intentions of doing so.
