W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[AnotherStander]

I had noticed about a year ago that she began to inhale really really deeply likea huge sigh. When I noticed it I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

She said "nothing" because you asked her what is WRONG. Any answer other than "nothing" would be her verifying your belief that something is wrong with her. Instead, ask "how are you feeling?" Whatever feelings she gets into, just listen intently and validate. Don't try to fix her!




Slowly became ever day, then multilevel times a day, then every 20 mins or so. Like something is suffocating her.

She had a panic attack a month before BD and then went to see a therapist who prescribed her zoloft A/D. The symptom didn't go away for the two months following.

Then, around the time that OM came in the picture (I didn't know at the time but now I know the timeline), the sighing stopped completely. I guess does that signal happiness? I remember telling her hey your sigh is gone! She said yes the meds are finally helping.

Haven't heard the sigh since. Until yesterday....

She got back from two days with OM. I had the house clean, fixed a few things around the house, D3 was dressed nice, I had shaved...all the stuff I have been doing for 2 months since BD.

She came in and noticed the house but didn't comment of course. Then the sigh came on maybe two or three times the first hour she was back. Then stopped.

Not sure what to make of it if anything. Anyone else notice anything like this?

[/quote]

[AnotherStander]

Oh shoot, sorry about the editing error! I left a bunch of your post in my last post by accident. Wish we could edit our posts!

[DaddyLongShanks]

I had noticed about a year ago that she began to inhale really really deeply likea huge sigh. When I noticed it I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

She said "nothing" because you asked her what is WRONG. Any answer other than "nothing" would be her verifying your belief that something is wrong with her. Instead, ask "how are you feeling?" Whatever feelings she gets into, just listen intently and validate. Don't try to fix her!




Slowly became ever day, then multilevel times a day, then every 20 mins or so. Like something is suffocating her.

She had a panic attack a month before BD and then went to see a therapist who prescribed her zoloft A/D. The symptom didn't go away for the two months following.

Then, around the time that OM came in the picture (I didn't know at the time but now I know the timeline), the sighing stopped completely. I guess does that signal happiness? I remember telling her hey your sigh is gone! She said yes the meds are finally helping.

Haven't heard the sigh since. Until yesterday....

She got back from two days with OM. I had the house clean, fixed a few things around the house, D3 was dressed nice, I had shaved...all the stuff I have been doing for 2 months since BD.

She came in and noticed the house but didn't comment of course. Then the sigh came on maybe two or three times the first hour she was back. Then stopped.

Not sure what to make of it if anything. Anyone else notice anything like this?

[/quote]

Don't overanalyze and don't care what she thinks. At least while she is in a relationship with an OM. Care about what you think and enjoy your life.

[leopoldstotch]

Leo, I appreciate the advice. Yes I realize now that WAW probably will not start to re evaluate until they suffer a lose. Sandi mentioned that before, that basically at some point they have to become the LBS to yearly grasp what they are doing/done.

So we LBS have to work on ourselves to get to that point so that we can have the strength to make that move. At that point, what happens happens.

Yes Sandi did tell you that earlier but like I keep telling you and I think you are getting it...finally, it's not a tactic.

[leopoldstotch]

I have been thinking since BD about the WARNING signs my wife may have been giving off.

I had noticed about a year ago that she began to inhale really really deeply likea huge sigh. When I noticed it I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

Slowly became ever day, then multilevel times a day, then every 20 mins or so. Like something is suffocating her.

She had a panic attack a month before BD and then went to see a therapist who prescribed her zoloft A/D. The symptom didn't go away for the two months following.

Then, around the time that OM came in the picture (I didn't know at the time but now I know the timeline), the sighing stopped completely. I guess does that signal happiness? I remember telling her hey your sigh is gone! She said yes the meds are finally helping.

Haven't heard the sigh since. Until yesterday....

She got back from two days with OM. I had the house clean, fixed a few things around the house, D3 was dressed nice, I had shaved...all the stuff I have been doing for 2 months since BD.

She came in and noticed the house but didn't comment of course. Then the sigh came on maybe two or three times the first hour she was back. Then stopped.

Not sure what to make of it if anything. Anyone else notice anything like this?

Don't make anything of what she says or does it's not worth your aggravation. At some point you will think back and realize you wasted a lot of time trying to mind read her.

Now that you have been given a wake up call you can recall her signs. That is normal. I think we all get so wrapped up in the monotony of everyday life that most of us tune things out and coast on auto pilot. It isn't until we get this giant kick in the @ss that we finally wake up.

[MrBond]

Rather than constantly concentrating on what she is doing or thinking, what have you done to improve the issues she had with you? What needs is the OM fulfilling that she may have thought that you couldn't?

[SM34]

Mr bond! Yes exactly. That is exactly what I am trying to do while also GALing, and 180s. Please help me with some ideas.

When she dropped the bomb, she said she was neglected emotionally. We had issues in the bedroom that started with me being too stressed out from business declining and money being tight.

Then, as money got tighter, she stopped giving me the words of affirmation (my LL) and so I began to withdraw a little, mostly in the bedroom. I am realizing now that it may have been subconscious because the words I needed were also stopped. Doesn't really matter at this point who started what first. But we got to where we were ML once a week (she likes more, so did I a few years ago! we used to be every day people).

So now OM is providing her with non stop sex I am sure. Especially since she confided in him that this was the reason she was unhappy in our marriage. In my snooping days which are over now, I found messages from her to him where it seems she is quite freaky, completely unlike the wife I knew.

so I think she wanted to be much more freaky all along and either didn't tell me, or I didn't pick up on the hint. Snooping also shows that maybe the sex is not that great for her because the A/D have kicked in now and she cant orgasm, or at least not so easily as she used to with me. But she is still pursing OM so it is either too early for her to back out, OR more probably SHE JUST NEEDS EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

So how do I do that? How can I develop the emotional connection when I'm supposed to detach? This is what I am doing at home right now which is derived from A LOT of different people on here:

1) I maintain STRONG eye contact when she speaks to me.
2) I stop what I am doing to listen

didnt used to do either one of those much because always doing something like phone or laptop or TV.

3) Cut back on phone and laptop during the evenings (180 from always on the laptop or phone)

4) If she asks me to take care of something at home, I try to take care of it as soon as I can, or AS AGREED. My Word is gold now.

I'm also trying to figure out her love language. She always liked thoughtful gifts a lot, because she is thoughtful like that. But at the same time the last period was so much about sex and affection that she felt she was starved from, that I'm not sure if physical affection is her LL. Any sugestions how I can narrow it down to which is more important?

Assuming it is physical affection, I then have a problem because I can't be affectionate with her through touch. She does get migraines from neck tension, and in the old days I would rub her neck and she loved it. However, since DBing, they say not to touch her at all right?

If her LL is gifts, I am screwed because you can't gift someone during DBing right? Valentines is coming up and I read many other sitchs and people were recommended no gift. Perhaps dinner or something IF she is home that day (which I doubt).

I am working on the attraction factor. Always freshly shaved. I shave EVERY day now like she always wanted me to but I never did.

Always look nice, exfoliated my skin several times a week to make it nice and clear.

The other day she was with OM and I guess he was sleeping on a couch at his house. She took a pic of him, and instead of messaging it to him, she messaged it to me!!

She followed it with several "I am so sorry!! Sh%t Sh*t" messages, so I think it was an accident. But, from that pic I can definitely see now why her friends told me they can't believe she left me for him, because he is a, quote, OGRE. Fuzzy messy beard, messy fuzzy beard, really bad skin, and face only a mother could love. I know it doesn't matter because he is providing her what she needs right now but I figure it can't hurt to be better groomed than him.

MrBond, I need suggestions as to how to be with her. I try to show confidence, strength as well as listening and validating when she complains about something (not relationship stuff. She has not brought that up since two days after BD).

[AnotherStander]

I can definitely see now why her friends told me they can't believe she left me for him, because he is a, quote, OGRE. Fuzzy messy beard, messy fuzzy beard, really bad skin, and face only a mother could love.

He has one big selling point though, he's not you. It is very common for the OP to be a step down from the LBS. Why? I have no idea, maybe it's the low-hanging-fruit syndrome. But I would just warn you, don't fall into the trap of thinking "oh man, I'm so much better than him, one day she's going to wake up and realize she's missing out on ALL THIS!!!" Because that's the path that will lead you away from introspection and from doing the hard work needed to improve yourself and (hopefully) bring her back.

I need suggestions as to how to be with her. I try to show confidence, strength as well as listening and validating when she complains about something (not relationship stuff).

Good! There's just one more component, and I know you don't want to hear it.... patience. Lots and lots of it.

[MrBond]

"MrBond, I need suggestions as to how to be with her. I try to show confidence, strength as well as listening and validating when she complains about something (not relationship stuff. She has not brought that up since two days after BD)."

Be your new and improved self. DON'T get all touchy feely or go overboard on anything. LL are great, BUT they only work when your M is good. If you try applying that now she will bolt. What were the things that she found attractive about you in the first place?

[SM34]

follow up form my previous post:

OM managed to get my W into a EA over text messages simply by telling her how "gorgeous" she is. On BD I asked her what he has that I don't, and she said he tells me I am gorgeous. I said tell you that you look nice ALL the time, she said yes, but he says I am GORGEOUS!

So, COMPLIMENTS on looks were enough for her to fall for her. He is not attractive at all, she had no idea if he was going to be more ready than me to have sex whenever she needed, he lives in a one bedroom apartment, has two kids from an old relationship etc.. etc. I can go on and on the negatives. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW! THE IMPORTANT THING IS HOW DO I BE THE BEST THAT I CAN BE WHEN AROUND MY WIFE.

I am so lost with how much attention or affection etc. Is not touch? What about a neck rub? What am I doing? HELP