Back to the picnic

[needgrace]

i almost feel a weight lifted by starting a new thread.

it is raining here today and i am imagining that the water is washing away the past month.

i needed to be honest with myself. i can not have contact with W while she is with OW. i can not be her "friend." we are in the midst of a D. i need to turn my back completely on the castle and get back to the blanket.

i marched off of it last month, thought i knew enough to "go rogue"

and that did not work at all.

there are some deep fears and pain bubbling up. i have been ashamed that i am experiencing them which leads me to resist and fight them and my sitch instead of accepting where i am at and sitting still.

this may be one of the most difficult phases of peeling the onion of detachment thus far. it is confusing as there are big ups and downs.. i start to feel good and positive about my life and my future and then i allow a single text or interaction from W to unravel me and get throw me back into such despair.

i want to grow, i need to grow.. and i would like your help, trusted friends. that is why i am back on the blanket.

this thread is about ME... not her.