I am starting to wonder re the crying. It is getting less (just tearful now rather than full sobbing) and I do wonder how to react to this.
I am trying very hard not to be pursuing in anyway but I wonder if that is making me come accross as cold. Should I go to hug her when she is like this?
I would say 'yes' to that. Do it and see how she reacts, that will tell you whether to keep doing it in the future. I don't think that would be pursuit, you're just offering her some comfort.
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We had a spell where she initiated the hugs and even a kiss, followed by more upbeat txts with smiley faces and kisses but then she pulled right back these last few weeks. It is since the xmas episode when she withdrew her invitation for xmas dinner.
I am trying not get drawn into that dynamic as deep down I suppose it did build my hopes up and I need to protect myself. I hit the ground hard when she did pull back.
Here's something Accuray posted that I copied to a file on my computer and read now and then as a reminder:
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Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
