We as LBS's just have to have faith that what we are doing (DBing, GAL, Detaching, Acting as if) is in fact all that we have control over. No matter what the end result is, if we do it right, we will leave this as better people, with better skills and understanding of relationships and emotions. Hopefully, your H will be smart enough to recognize your changes and benefit from having a wonderful wife such as yourself! If he doesn't, it's HIS loss, not yours. Focus on making yourself the best possible GTO you can be..... "Little GTO...you're really looking fine"....
True words of wisdom. Yes, thank you SP, I too needed to read your reminder.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
SP, very good advice. GTO, sometimes our S's are firm in their decision, but since you're not 100% sure, DB is a good choice.
I also don't understand the logic. Why someone would throw away years worth of good memories and break up a family for apparently no reason. However, this had probably been in our S's heads for a long time (way before they said anything about it.)
I wonder about that too (for apparently no good reason). Its all very confusing when we try to understand it sometimes. I agree the best place to be for now is DBing. it really helps clear your head and figure YOU out.
Thinking of you GTO ((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I've been trying to think of what my "new life/GALs" will/are starting to look like...
1) I like the outdoors--camping w my sons & hiking. H hates both. 2) I love biking. I spin indoors at my gym in winter. Am riding in a cancer fundraiser event this summer-goal 75 miles. 3) I used to play tennis w H alot. I'd like to start playing again this Spring (casually). 4) Am not interested in a new R (unless w H) anytime soon. 5) Make a memory book of MIL (already started). 6) Want to find a meet-up group to meet new people.
GAL is about YOU, not H!! Other than that it all sounds good
Quote:
Okay, I'm wondering if there is something I need to be doing differently. There has literally been NO change in H's direction, our interactions or any movement back in my direction.
Not necessarily. I didn't see any movement at all from W until right before Christmas. I was convinced she was 100% done because I wasn't seeing anything until then. So maybe he just needs more time.
I also don't understand the logic. Why someone would throw away years worth of good memories and break up a family for apparently no reason.
Originally Posted By: bustingout
I wonder about that too (for apparently no good reason). Its all very confusing when we try to understand it sometimes.
Sometimes people put a high value on what they don't/can't have, (the OP) and little or no value on what they already have. (the spouse)
Of course, once they move on, the OP will eventually become low value and then they'll want to move on again, maybe even back to what they then see was a really good relationship after all.
I figure for some, if they never "try their luck" (LOL, sorry BO. Sad as it is that one made me laugh) they'll never know for sure what they had all along. Seriously, my wife told me back at BD, that even if she falls flat on her face, she feels she has to give moving on to something/someone new a try, even though I'd do almost anything for her. Yes, very sad, I know.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
As far as trying to figure out the why's of it all I've stopped. It's just too confusing and depressing and I don't think I ever could. I've (finally) come to the conclusion that my W didn't just wake up one day and decide to take another path with her life and break up her family, she was missing things with me that were hurting her so badly that she felt/ feels this is her only option left. Every sitch is different but I don't think anyone ever dreams of being D'd or plans to ever have an affair or anything else to break up their M. Things were missing that led them on that path. I've played the victim role, the blame game, the anger card, felt used, etc... and even if I can temporarily justify things you know what I've realized in the end? None of it matters. In the end I wasn't the man she needed and I take responsibility for that. Some days are much harder than others but I'm now doing my very best to work on me to make me better and I hope and pray she eventually sees it. Even if she doesn't I know I'll never make the same mistakes again in a R and that is how I'm coping at the moment.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
And LittleGTO I think you're doing the right things and just need to keep DBing and working on you. I love the GALing ideas. Your H is on his own path, just remember to stay on yours and everything will work out for you in the end.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wow! All the great posts on here today. Thanks so much, Spartan, AS, busting, FY, SP & Tori!
Spartan, you are right that our S's didn't come to this place overnight. There were things missing in our M. For me the biggest things were probably emotional abandonment during my winter blues (on my part) and taking him for granted. Both of these were what opened the door for OW to take the place for the void he was feeling. Also, there were other things like my need to control decisions about the kids & not really listening to his opinions and validating them as important.
His love tank was empty. He was a father who spent a lot of time w his kids since they were little and he had few hobbies/friends to meet his needs for the other parts of who he is/was.
AS, I will continue to DB as is for now. Continue to be upbeat around H when I'm around him, but to detach. Give him WoA whenever opportunity arises. Continue putting kids first, as they need to see him as much as possible.
Tori, I'm not 100% clear about my H's decision,just 99%. I keep 1% for hope and miracles! It's hard when he doesn't share anything w me, but his actions do feel like his path is still moving away from me/toward OW.
Don't know if ADs are helping but since I starting taking them I have felt better/more in control. Probably just psychological since I've only been taking them for a week.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
GTO - just catching up on your thread since I have been traveling and haven't had a chance to read or write in a while. Sounds like you are doing all the rights things. Its just takes time, a lot of time. Have you documented any baby steps. Does he still hold a lot of anger or has that subsided. Is he still coming over for dinner each night?
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
Continue to be upbeat around H when I'm around him, but to detach. Give him WoA whenever opportunity arises. Continue putting kids first, as they need to see him as much as possible.
Perfect, great stuff!
Quote:
Don't know if ADs are helping but since I starting taking them I have felt better/more in control. Probably just psychological since I've only been taking them for a week.
I did feel better in about a week, but they didn't really hit full stride until about 3 weeks. So what you're feeling probably is the A/D's starting to kick in, but you should see even more improvement over the next couple of weeks. Glad to hear you're feeling better already
